Tic-ing Along Nicely Until You Came Along
Gym, Health & Body, Illinois, Jerk, Strangers, USA | Healthy | May 22, 2018
(I have pretty mild Tourette’s syndrome, with my only real vocal tics being a wheeze, a cough, or consistent sniffling. Most people understand once it’s explained to them. I’m at the gym, working on the arc trainer, and my Tourette’s is having a bad day, so I’m making all manner of noises. Next to me are two ladies. I have my headphones on, so I’m pretty oblivious to the goings-on around me, when suddenly I’m being tapped on the arm. I take my headphones off and look over to see one of the ladies standing by the machine I’m on.)
Lady: “Excuse me, but you should be wearing a mask if you’re sick.”
Me: “Huh? I’m not sick. I feel fine, but thanks?”
Lady: “You’re coughing and wheezing and sniffling. You must have a cold or the flu. You shouldn’t even be here, but if you’re going to be, you need a mask!”
Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; I actually have Tourette’s. I’m not sick; those are just my tics.”
Lady: “If you’re sick, you should wear a mask.”
Me: “But I’m not sick. I just told you. I have Tourette’s. It’s a neurological thing. I’m not physically ill.”
Lady: “I’m a nurse! I know what Tourette’s is, and you should be wearing a mask!”
(At this point, I’m more annoyed by the fact this lady is interrupting my workout than her insistence she knows more about my health than I do.)
Me: “If you know what Tourette’s is, then you know a mask wouldn’t do any good. I am not sick. I’m sorry if the tics caused some confusion.”
Lady: “You should be wearing a mask if you’re going to be sick here! I’m going to complain to the front desk!”
Me: “But I’m not sick. And really, if you’re worried about germs, is this really the place for you to be?”
Lady: *after a moment of silence* “You should have a mask.”
(She and her friend then moved down to the end of the row of cardio machines and went back to their workout, and I went back to mine. They kept shooting me dirty looks throughout. The worst part is my Tourette’s gets worse when attention is drawn to it, as I get very self-conscious and nervous. So, thanks. Nice job breaking it, lady.)
(A customer and her husband have walked in and I go over to help them find some glasses. During our conversation, I ask the wife if they’ve seen an optometrist, as we have one on staff that accepts walk-ins.)
Customer: “Yes, we’ve already seen an optometrist. Several, actually. It took us a long time to find one that we like.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad that you found one that you liked.”
Customer: “Yes, they were all so awful. One was so bad that we had to report him to the Board of Optometrists!”
(I usually avoid getting into the politics and gossip regarding other optometrists, so I try to keep my response vague. The wife seems to be getting more agitated the more she talks about it.)
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
Customer: “Well, I heard he’s dead now, anyway, so that’s good!”
Me: “Wow… That’s actually really horrible.”
Customer: “Oh. I guess I shouldn’t say things like that, should I?”
(The customer shrugged and turned to ask her husband a question, completely unfazed. I’ve worked all kinds of retail over 15 years now, and I’ve never heard something so awful come out of someone’s mouth before. I left them alone to look and never helped the couple again.)
Carrot Top, Meet Carrot Bottom…
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Patients, Rude & Risque, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 18, 2018
(I’m a medical student. My neighbor who is a doctor tells me this story. She has a patient with something stuck.)
Neighbor: “So, you were cleaning the kitchen naked, tripped, and ended up with a carrot up your rectum?”
Patient: *red-faced* “Yes…”
Neighbor: “Honey, I’m a doctor. This is far from the weirdest case I’ve had. I also don’t have the right to comment on people and their experiments.”
Patient: “So, when will I get this out?”
Neighbor: “After the proctologist sees you.
Wasn’t Going Through Labor Enough?
Australia, Hospital, Jerk | Healthy | May 11, 2018
(I work in a busy maternity ward, and I’m constantly amazed at how many people will show up to visit someone who’s just given birth. Your ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s ex-girlfriend’s third cousin from grade school will show without batting an eyelid. The following exchange is unfortunately very common
Visitor: “Hi, I’m here to see Lisa Jones.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have anybody named Jones. Is there another name she might be using?”
(Even people who are married often book in under their maiden name, as a way of not getting too many visitors, and elderly people often assume the woman’s name is the same as her partner’s, even if they’re not married, because they can’t imagine letting the hospital know you’re having a baby out of wedlock!)
Visitor: “She must be here; she was only born this morning.”
Me: “Wait, is that the baby’s name? I need the mother’s name. She’s the patient. As the baby’s name isn’t registered yet, all babies are listed as ‘Baby of [Mother].’”
Visitor: “The father is Dick Jones.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I need the mother’s name; otherwise, I can’t help you.”
Visitor: “I think her name might be Ann.”
Me: “I honestly can’t help you if you don’t know her name.”
Visitor: “Couldn’t you just check the fathers’ and the babies’ names?”
Me: “We. Have. No. Record. Of their names. Only the mothers are admitted as patients.”
(At this point, even if there’s only one patient on the ward named Ann, and I KNOW that’s who you’re looking for, there’s no way you’re getting in to see her if YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!)
Me: “Well, could you call her? Or the father? I’m sure he can tell you what name she’s using.”
Visitor: *doubtfully* “Well, I don’t really know him.”
(So, you don’t know the mother, as you, “think her name might be Ann,” and you don’t really know the father, usually a vague acquaintance such as, your partner plays football with him, and you maybe know the mother by sight, but you think it’s appropriate to come see her in the, hospital hours after she’s given birth?!)
Iowa, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 10, 2018
(It is important to note that every state in the USA has their own laws about eyeglass prescriptions. It is most common in Iowa for optometrists to write prescriptions that only last for one year, though they could write one that would be valid for up to two years. One day, I get this phone call.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Optometrist]’s Office. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Yes, hello! I ordered a box of contacts from you guys about a month ago, for my son, and he says these ones aren’t working. He’s got blurry vision. I know the doctor changed his script a couple times and I just want to make sure the most recent one was ordered.”
Me: “Sure. I’ll pull his file and take a look. Please hold.”
(I go to have a look at the file and my heart sinks. It’s April, and this kid had his eye appointment last June. Kids tend to have a lot of changes in their vision thanks, in part, to hormones. Not only that, but he came back three times with the same complaint of his contacts not working. All of that was within thirty days of his appointment, so his script was finalized in July. And Mom waited to order… until March. I steel myself and pick up the phone.)
Me: “Thank you for holding, ma’am. It looks like the most recent prescription was what we ordered for your son. It is accurate.”
Customer: “Well, he can’t see out of them! Can you take this box back?”
Me: “Is the box unopened? We can do a refund for the box if it is, but we can’t take back an opened box for hygiene reasons.”
Customer: “Of course it’s opened! He’s been wearing them! But they are wrong now.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The order was placed correctly. We put the same strength that your son told us worked, and so there’s nothing we can do. At this point, he’s almost due for another eye exam, as it is.”
Customer: “So, you’re saying I’m just out, what, $75?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but yes. He saw the doctor last July, and it’s been almost a year. It’s possible his eyes have changed.”
Customer: “That’s just ridiculous! This is the worst service I’ve ever gotten. I’m never bringing him back to your office!”
(And she hung up on me. I’m sorry, but who waits eight months to order contacts and THEN complains? Next time, don’t wait so long!)
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