Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 2, 2009
Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

There’s No Pills Like Home
EDITORS' CHOICE, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | JULY 17, 2009
(A patient called in to inquire about the medication she has just picked up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Pharmacy.”

Patient: “Hi, I just picked up this medication, and I think I may have a problem.”

Me: “Is there something incorrect with how it was filled?”

Patient: “No, it’s just that the cream here says to apply locally, and I’m going out of town tonight. I was wondering if I could still use it.”

Me: “Um… yes. Yes, you can.”

Patient: “Oh, okay, good… Oh… Oh, God. I just realized… Oh, my God, just forget I asked! How stupid of me!”

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally

TMI Mom Tries To Help
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JULY 6, 2009
(A forty-something year old woman comes to the counter with her purchases. Amongst them is a box of condoms, which have security stickers on them. Before I scan the item, I swipe it a few times over the scanner to deactivate it.)

Customer: “Is it not scanning?”

Me: “No, I’m just deactivating the security sticker. I don’t want you to set off the alarm on the way out. Especially over condoms!”

Customer: “Oh I’m not embarrassed! They’re not for me, they’re for my son. I can’t even get an erection!”

Script Stupidity
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | MAY 28, 2009
Customer: *holds up two bottles* “What’s the difference between these two medicines?”

Me: “The one on the left is a capsule; the one on the right is a tablet.”

Customer: “I mean, which one would be better?”

Me: “They’re exactly the same medicine, just in different forms. Most people buy whichever one is easier for them to swallow.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! How can you swallow a bottle?”

Where There’s A Pill, There’s A Way
PHARMACY | RIGHT | MAY 21, 2009
(A customer comes in with a prescription for a narcotic pain reliever. He says that he was at the hospital with his wife and the hospital stole his pills, which is why he needs to get this prescription filled, even though his last prescription was just filled a few days ago.)

Me: “OK, sir, I talked to your doctor and he says I can fill your prescription.”

Customer: “Great, can I wait? I have no pills left and I really need it.”

Me: “It’ll be about 10 minutes.”

(10 minutes later.)

Me: “OK sir, your prescription is ready.”

Customer: “Hey, are those pills the same as this?” *holds up pill*

Me: “I thought you didn’t have any pills left, sir.”

Customer: “Well…I bought this off the street, to be honest with you.”

Me: “Oh…good.”

How To Seize The Moment
HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, OHIO, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 8, 2010
(An elderly woman is having a seizure and obviously 911 has been called to the scene.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but when can I get my prescription?”

Me: “Ma’am, this woman is having a seizure and needs medical attention right away.”

Customer: “But I was here before her!”

This One’s A No-Brainer
AUSTRALIA, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHARMACY, SYDNEY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 13, 2010
Customer: “My mother is taking some medication and it is making her sick. Can you stop giving it to her?”

Me: “I’ll have to ask the pharmacist for you. What medication is it?”

Customer: “It’s a little white pill.”

Me: “You don’t know the name of it, sir? We do have many white pills in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “I think it’s for her heart… or her brain.”

Unfiltered Story #212851
ARIZONA, PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | OCTOBER 21, 2020
*At the retail pharmacy where I work, one of my patients hands out miniature wooden carvings mounted on lapel pins. I have a lovely red butterfly of his attached to my name tag. He’s also a bit of a joker.*

Patient: *coming up to the register as ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’ is playing overhead* Who’s the most famous reindeer of all?

Me: *hating the song after hearing it played about a billion times since the Christmas music started.* Oh, please don’t make me say it.

Patient: *brightly, as he hands me a reindeer pin* It’s Jimmy!

Me: *cracks up*

Line Up For Your Dose Of Instant Karma
INSTANT KARMA, JERK, PHARMACY, TEXAS, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 21, 2020
I work at a pharmacy. A few feet back from the pickup counter, there is a yellow line on the floor, marked with large letters instructing customers to wait behind this line until called. There are also large signs on each side of the line with the same instructions. This line exists so that customers picking up medications or receiving consultations at the counter will have some privacy from the customers waiting in line.

Often, people will ignore the yellow line and come up to the counter, and depending on what is happening at the counter, we may have to ask them to step back. I don’t like doing that, because while some customers don’t have a problem with it, some do, and you never know what will set someone off.

I am consulting a customer at the counter. Another customer approaches, stops behind the yellow line, and waits to be called. While he is waiting, a third customer barges up, passes the waiting customer, and stands right next to the customer I am consulting. I mentally brace myself and quickly try to think up the politest way I can tell the impatient customer to step back, when the waiting customer speaks up.

Waiting Customer: “Oh, that’s fine, sir. You can go ahead of me.”

The impatient customer turns around to see the waiting customer giving him both a smile and a glare at the same time.

Impatient Customer: “What? You weren’t in line. If you were in line you should have moved up!”

Waiting Customer: “You’re right, sir, what was I thinking? I’ll move up as far as I’m supposed to.”

The waiting customer very deliberately looks down at the yellow line, and then back up to the impatient customer, maintaining eye contact. He raises his foot dramatically and takes a tiny step forward so his toes are on the line. The impatient customer reads the line and the signs, blushes, and moves back behind the waiting customer.

Impatient Customer: “Oh, fine, you go first.”

Waiting Customer: “Oh, thank you, sir. That’s very kind of you.”

Being Patient Doesn’t Have To Be A Tough Pill To Swallow
AWESOME, INSPIRATIONAL, NON-DIALOGUE, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 19, 2020
Today, our prescription software is upgraded. We were promised that it would be faster, easier to use and more stable.

We get none of these things. What we get is such a slowdown, that ringing out patients and customers comes to a crawl akin to about a 3,000-year-old frozen carcass and the same stability as a radioactive isotope. It constantly freezes and errors out.

We have a family that has about 15-20 medicines between three people. There’s a good reason why we have an entire space set aside for said family, and their medical bills would be absolutely astronomical if they were on any other insurance coverage.

The father comes in. We try ringing everything up together, TWICE. Both times, our POS terminals crashed, and we have to restart the entire terminal. The father takes it on the chin and sits back down, pulling his phone back out.

Finally, after a seeming six years for a register to come back (and while in the middle of a rush, no less), we try again. After checking everyone in the family out individually, we’re FINALLY able to send him on his way.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted by how understanding and patient he was. Even after thanking him about a billion times for his patience, he still embodied the virtue of patience, despite being who would have been understandable in leaving and coming back another time, or letting his frustration get ahold of him.

He didn’t ask for anything in return, even though he was probably waiting for a good hour while our registers decided to come back online, even offering me a fist bump before departing.

Unfiltered Story #210617
CANADA, ONTARIO, PHARMACY | UNFILTERED | OCTOBER 12, 2020
(I work at a local pharmacy that for the couple years that I’ve worked there, and probably longer, has supported local woman’s health programs by donating some of the money we make selling our plastic bags. Just recently, I was at work and, taking a break from cash, decided to field a couple customer service calls.)

Me: Hello, customer service. This is (me), how can I help you?

Customer: My son was just at your store and he came home really upset!

Me: Oh, uh…

(I mentally start preparing a list of every worst case scenario.)

Customer: He got a bag while he was at your store and now he’s upset! Your bags say that his health is not as important as a woman’s! That he’s less of a man!

(It is at this point that I finally realize where this is going. We had just recently changed our plastic bags to reflect the contributions we’ve been making to our womans health program, but again, this is not something new for our store.)

Me: I’m sorry to hear that but there’s nothing I can do at store level to…

Customer: Are you saying that my son’s health isn’t worth anything?! Is that what you believe? This is sexism! I can’t believe (store name) would do something like this! How dare you support such a discriminatory practice!

Me: Mam, I’m sorry, but I can’t answer that, if…

Customer: Oh! So you think this is alright? You think my son isn’t as important as you?

Me: As I’ve said before my hands are tied. This isn’t something that’s decided at store level, there’s nothing….

Customer: You can stop selling them! All your doing is spreading sexism!

(At this point I’ve about had enough, I have the phone a good half a foot away from my ear and my coworker is already staring at me in confusion, as well as the customer they’re serving.)

Me: If you’d like to make a formal complaint, I can give you the number for head office to…

Customer: Of course I’ll be making a formal complaint! About how your store refuses to stop handing out sexist propaganda and discriminating against my son!

(I give her the main store number, as I don’t actually have the one for head office, and hang up.)

Coworker: What was that all about?

Me: Her son feels…. emasculated? By our plastic bags…?

Coworker: Our bags? Why?

Me: They advertise (program name).

Coworker: They do? I thought they just changed the colour? (Looks at bag) Hey, they do. Well, would you look at that…

Me: You just noticed? We’ve had had these for at least a month?

Coworker: Yeah, but it’s just a plastic bag.

Me: That woman calls back, I’m handing the phone to you and you can tell her that yourself.

Coworker: Bring it. Time for some battle of the sexes!

Unfiltered Story #210519
PHARMACY, UK | UNFILTERED | OCTOBER 7, 2020
I work for a company that, among other things, sets up new stores in preparation for opening day. On this occasion, I’m at a location inside a shopping centre, working on a pharmacy/health and beauty store. It’s the day before opening, so the boards over the shopfront have been removed, but one entrance is locked and the other is on manual open only, and both have bright orange barriers in front of them. A painter is doing some touchup work on the bits the boards were previously covering. There are still cages full of excess equipment and stock scattered around the floor. There’s a sign-in log just inside the front door, with several toolboxes in plain sight just past it. It’s pretty obvious that the store isn’t open yet.

Despite all of this, several prospective customers had to be directed back out of the store by the security guard. They’d wandered in through the open doors while we were removing equipment cages, or they’d prised the doors open themselves in order to come in. Every single one of them expressed amazement that the shop wasn’t yet open. More than one said that there should be a sign up.

There were, people just weren’t reading them.

A Post-Credit Apology
PHARMACY, STUPID, UK, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 7, 2020
Customer: “I can’t find my aftershave lotion anywhere! I can’t believe you wouldn’t sell any [Brand] aftershave!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure we do sell it. Let’s go and look.”

We walk over to the shelf.

Me: “Here you go. Is this the one you were after?”

Customer: “NO! I wanted aftershave lotion! This one says on it right here, ‘post-shave lotion,’ and that’s not what I want!”

Me: “Post actually means ‘after’, so…”

Customer: “Really? Oh, my God. It does, doesn’t it! I’m so sorry! Jeez, whatever they pay you here, it is not enough! Thank you!”

Unfiltered Story #210465
CANADA, PHARMACY | UNFILTERED | OCTOBER 4, 2020
I was just off work from my department store job at the time and decided I should go out and treat myself a little bit so I went to the pharmacy nearby to get sweets, still in my uniform (which is just black clothes). Let’s note that at that pharmacy chain, the customers need to grab a key from the counter to access the bathroom. A group of teens approach me.
Teen: Do you work here?
Me: No, I’m just off work from somewhere else.
Teen: Okay. Can we have the bathroom keys?
Me: I don’t work here, but they are usually on the counter.
He stares at me blankly, wanting for me to go get the keys for them.
Teen: Where are the keys.
Me: I’m not sure, I don’t work here. They usually are on a counter, probably that one over there. *points at prescription counter which is clearly visible*
Teen: Can’t you help us?
At this point I was getting fed up.
Me: Go look if the keys are there or go ask to the cashier just over there. *points at cashier who is not seeing/hearing the situation and also just waiting for costumers to come to her cash* I don’t work here and I’m off the clock. Good luck.
They finally left on the quest for the key, looking miffed. Some people just think you HAVE to serve them, because they want to. Didn’t even ask politely,

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 4
AUSTRALIA, CURRENT EVENTS, EMPLOYEES, HOBART, NON-DIALOGUE, PHARMACY, STUPID, TASMANIA | WORKING | OCTOBER 1, 2020
With the ongoing health crisis, doctors in my state are doing consultations by phone and having their receptionists fax or email the prescriptions to the patient’s preferred pharmacy.

One particular doctor’s surgery seemed to be having trouble with their fax machine. I received about ten copies of the cover page but none of the prescriptions that were meant to be faxed with it.

I called the practise and suggested they tried email, instead. Soon after, I received an email with an attached photograph of a pile of prescriptions.

Yes, instead of scanning or photographing them individually, the receptionist put the prescriptions in a nice, neat stack so that only the top one was readable.

At least they tried, I suppose? A day later we’re still trying to get those same prescriptions. Maybe tomorrow we’ll get lucky?

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 3
CURRENT EVENTS, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, RECEPTION, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2020
I have a compromised immune system, so I’ve been working from home and haven’t been going out much. My doctor has set up telehealth visits where we can video chat instead of going to the office.

A few days before my visit, I get a call from the office.

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist #1 : “Hi, this is [Receptionist #1 ] from [Doctor]’s office. Am I speaking with [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, this is her.”

Receptionist #1 : “Okay! I need to go over some basic information before your appointment. It’s just the check-in stuff we would normally do in person. Do you have about fifteen minutes for that?”

I glance at my schedule and see that I don’t have anything pressing coming up.

Me: “Sure.”

We go over my basic info — name, date of birth, weight, medications, etc. — and she verifies that I know how to log in to see the doctor. We hang up and I go back to work.

The next day, I get another call from their office. Unfortunately, I’m already in a call with a client, so I can’t answer. After I’m done, I listen to the voicemail.

Receptionist #2 : “Hi, this is [Receptionist #2 ] from [Doctor]’s office calling for [My Name]. I just need to go over some basic information with you before your appointment. Please call us back at [phone number] prior to your visit. Thank you.”

Thinking this is about something new, I call back.

Receptionist #2 : “[Doctor]’s office.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. I just received a call about some information before my visit?”

Receptionist #2 : “Okay. Let me pull up your file here… Okay, we just need to do your basic check-in before your visit. Do you have about fifteen minutes?”

Me: *Confused* “I did that yesterday. Is there something new?”

Receptionist #2 : “Hmm, I don’t see anything here. Are you sure it was with us?”

Me: “Yeah, same number, same appointment.”

Receptionist #2 : “Well, I’m not sure what happened but nothing is charted here. Can we go over it to make sure?”

Me: “I have a few minutes, yeah.”

We go through everything again, and after the receptionist assures me it’s all been documented, we hang up. The following day I get ANOTHER call from the same office. I’m still working, so I let it go to voicemail again. It’s a third receptionist, wanting to verify all of my information yet again. I call back, annoyed.

Receptionist #3 : “[Doctor]’s office.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. I received another call about my upcoming appointment.”

Receptionist #3 : “I see. Well, it looks like we’ve been trying to reach you, I see. I can go over your info now if—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I’m sure this isn’t your fault, but I’ve done this twice already. Is it not being logged or something?”

Receptionist #3 : “I don’t see anything about us talking with you. Do you know who it was?”

Me: “Well, I have [Receptionists #2 & #3 ] in voicemails but I can’t remember the first one’s name.”

Receptionist #3 : “Mmhmm, I called today. I see that [Receptionists #1 & #2 ] also reached out. Are you sure you spoke with us, not another office?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sure. How is this not being recorded? Can you ask the other receptionists?”

Receptionist #3 : “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I can go over your information with you now.”

Me: *Sigh* “Fine.”

For a third time, I went through everything. I guess it finally stuck because that was the last call before the doctor’s visit. When I asked her if other people had the same problem, she said she didn’t know anything about it. Suddenly, I miss those in-person visits.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 2
EMPLOYEES, ENGLAND, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RECEPTION, UK | WORKING | JULY 7, 2020
I’ve recently legally changed my name but haven’t quite updated it everywhere as some places require me to physically visit them, and it’s hard to keep track of everywhere.

I’m a university student home for the summer and am made a temporary patient at the local doctors. After my appointment, I notice my name is wrong and go to ask at reception about changing it. There are two receptionists.

Me: “Hey, so, uh, my name legally changed, and I’m wondering if I need to give you guys anything to update it? I have my deed poll here.”

Receptionist #1 : “Let me see. How did you change it?”

Me: “By deed poll; I have it here.” *Holds out the paper*

Receptionist #1 : *Takes the deed poll* “Is this our copy?”

Me: “No, that’s my legal copy. Do you need it?”

[Receptionist #1 ] goes to a cupboard; I assume that’s where a photocopier is or something.

Receptionist #2 : “Wait, you’re a temporary patient. right? You need to update it with your GP up in [University City], not us.”

Me: “Oh, okay, thanks.”

I don’t move as the first receptionist is still holding my deed poll.

Receptionist #1 : “You really need to update your name. Legally, you have to.”

I hold out my hand for the deed poll.

Me: “I know. I just can’t afford to go up to [City] for one day.”

Receptionist #1 : *With a sort of “gotcha” tone* “Then how are you getting back for university? You need to change it; it can cause problems if you don’t.”

Me: “I know.”

Receptionist #2 : *Cutting in* “Their parents are probably helping them move back in; they just can’t go up a random day in summer. Hon, I’ve got it all set on the system. You’re fine. Have a good day.”

[Receptionist #1 ] said nothing and handed me my deed poll.

I thanked the second receptionist and left. I know updating my name is important, but it’s also expensive enough without having to travel just to hand over a piece of paper.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist
JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RECEPTION, USA | HEALTHY | FEBRUARY 17, 2020
(I have a potential diagnosis of a rare and extremely painful neurological disorder. I have to schedule with a neurologist, who lives a four-hour drive from where I live. By this point, I’ve been in severe pain for several months, and my patience for rudeness is admittedly running a bit thin.)

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to see if I need an MRI before I come down.”

Receptionist: “The doctor will inform you if you need that at the appointment.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that, but it’s a four-hour drive to see this doctor and I have to stay overnight and I’d rather not have to do it more than once.”

Receptionist: *much more snippy than is necessary* “Well, that’s not my problem, is it?”

Me: “Pardon me, but I’ve been in fairly serious pain for a while and that’s why I’m calling your office — to make sure that the appointment to get rid of my pain runs smoothly.”

Receptionist: “There’s no reason to take that tone.”

Me: “Are you f****** kidding me?!”

Receptionist: “Young lady, if you insist on using that language with me, I will disconnect the call and inform [Doctor] of your attitude, and we’ll see if you see another neurologist in this hospital.”

(I disconnected the call, had a panic attack, and then cried with my mom for an hour. No one is making a first appointment with a specialist for happy fun times. If you don’t understand that someone is probably calling because they’re in pain or sick, maybe you shouldn’t work in healthcare

Sit Down, Take A Break
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, MICHIGAN, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 20, 2020
I’m about ten years old and have just fractured my arm in two places. The breaks are minor enough that they don’t hurt, so I am much calmer than my parents, who have brought me to the emergency room. My mother brings me in to see an ER doctor while my father parks the car. The doctor is about as calm as I am.

Doctor: “You just have two little fractures on either side of your wrist.”

Me: “Okay.”

Doctor: “And how did you break this again?”

Me: “I tripped over a tent string in the dark.”

Doctor: *To my mother* “She seems like a bookish kid.”

Mom: “Yeah. She is.”

Doctor: “I think she’ll be okay with just a splint.”

And I was. No bulky cast for me!

Shout-Out To Frazzled Nurses!
CURRENT EVENTS, FUNNY, HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NURSES, USA, UTAH | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 18, 2020
In July, both my wife and I contract the illness the health crisis is centered on, and we are taken to the local hospital. However, because I have complications, it is decided that I need to be transferred to a larger hospital with a pulmonologist available.

I am transferred by ambulance to the bigger hospital where there are staff waiting to admit me. I am on a stretcher with various medical staff around me. There is one nurse doing transfer paperwork for me.

Nurse: “So, do you prefer to be called Dave or David?”

This question has me puzzled.

Me: “My name is John!

Nurse: “Oops, I really must check the paperwork properly!”

Testing Their Patients And Their Patience
CANADA, CURRENT EVENTS, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, STUPID | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 14, 2020
I work at a medical clinic. During the health crisis, I have variations of the following story many times.

Me: “Has the patient been tested for [illness] recently?”

Patient’s Ride: “Oh, he lives at a seniors’ facility, and they get tested regularly.”

Me: *Pause* “The actual [illness] test where they get a swab?”

Patient’s Ride: “Oh, well, they get their temperatures taken regularly.”

How people at this point don’t understand the difference between being screened and tested, I will never know.

What A Load Of Crap
BLOOD DONATION, NURSES, STUPID, UK | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 10, 2020
I have been giving blood for years now without issue. Being slim, a few nurses ask me to confirm my weight because the clinic will not accept donations from anyone under fifty kg.

Nurse: “What is your weight, please?”

Me: “It’s fifty-five kg.”

Nurse: “No, it’s not. You’re underweight.”

Me: “Yes, it really is fifty-five kg; I can jump on some scales right now if you like.”

Nurse: “No, we don’t have any here. You are not fifty-five kg. When did you weigh yourself?”

Me: “This morning, because I knew I was coming here.”

Nurse: “Before breakfast and undressed?”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Nurse: “Was it before or after you went to the bathroom?”

Me: “I had already had a wee before I weighed myself.”

Nurse: “But not passed a stool? That will account for the discrepancy, then.”

Me: “Wait. What? The cut off is fifty kg; I’m five kg over that. I can’t lose that in one trip to the bathroom.”

Nurse: “Oh, you’d be surprised.”

In the end, I was allowed to donate if I promised to completely empty my bowels before the next visit — all five kg of it, apparently.

Thanks, Doctor Wazowski!
CURRENT EVENTS, DENTIST, FUNNY, MOVIES & TV, PENNSYLVANIA, PITTSBURGH, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 9, 2020
To make a long story short, due to the health crisis, I end up needing to get my six-month cleaning done at a dentist I’ve never been to before. As expected, a ton of precautions are in place: waiting outside, wearing a mask until they actually start working inside your mouth, the employees wearing extra protection, etc.

I get checked in, x-rayed, and seated in the chair just fine. Among the equipment in the room is a long metal arm with joints for maneuvering and a cone at the end. When the hygienist pulls the arm around and positions the cone a few inches away from my face; I assume it’s a light.

However, before the hygienist turns it on, she explains that it’s a “suction device” to prevent germs from escaping. Nice precaution, but as soon as she says “suction,” I can feel my eyes bug out because, knowing that’s its purpose, the shape suddenly looks VERY familiar.

Me: “What?! But… it looks exactly like the Scream Extractor from Monsters, Inc.!”

Hygienist: *Laughing* “Yeah, a lot of people have been saying that. I never saw that movie, so I didn’t get it, but I just watched it a few days ago and went, ‘Oh, my gosh, yeah. We have the Scream Machine.’”

So, I had my cleaning done with a loud vacuum running a few inches from my face, and I left very grateful that they had seen me and with a hilarious story to text to the siblings.

The Least Annoying Telemarketer Ever
AWESOME, HEALTH & BODY, INSPIRATIONAL, KIND STRANGERS, TELEMARKETING, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 8, 2020
The official description of colic — or “crybaby” as is its literal translation from Dutch — is “a baby that cries at least three hours a day, at least three days a week, for at least three weeks,” and it usually passes by the fourth month.

When I was a baby, I cried for twenty hours a day, every day, for over seven months. The doctors weren’t able to find a cause. Food intolerances were tried and ruled out, my parents were accused of malingering and observed in the hospital to make sure they weren’t exaggerating and/or inducing the crying, and my parents were advised to have me sleep in the barn or have me sleep over at the home of a deaf elderly relative.

Around the seven-month mark, a telemarketer called our exhausted family to sell some kind of overpriced private health insurance.

My father picked up the phone and interrupted the sales spiel.

Father: “My baby has been crying twenty hours a day for the past seven months. She’s obviously in pain, and the doctors can’t find the cause or solve it and are still looking. You don’t want us as your customers.”

Telemarketer: “No, I totally understand. I hope I’m not overstepping, but have you tried a chiropractor? That could be KISS syndrome.”

My parents had not tried a chiropractor.

One week later, to the chiropractor I went.

That afternoon, my older brother — who didn’t know I had had any kind of appointment that day — looked at my parents in obvious concern.

Brother: “I think there’s something wrong with the baby. They’re never this quiet.”

My parents didn’t buy from the telemarketer, and they don’t remember her name. But we are all very glad a salesperson called us that day.

Time To Put This Working Relationship Behind You
BAD BEHAVIOR, CANADA, COWORKERS, HEALTH & BODY, OFFICE, VANCOUVER | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 7, 2020
I was in a work-related accident years ago and have a recurring neck issue. During one flareup, I head to our first aid person to note the pain in case I have to leave early from work or go to the doctor.

First Aid: “Where does it hurt?”

I point at the back of my neck and she stands behind me, poking at the spot.

First Aid: “We could try a realignment.”

Me: “No. No, thank you. This is recurring and I just need it noted. I’ll see my doctor if it gets worse.”

First Aid: “But we could just—”

Me: “No. I don’t need treatment. Just please note it.”

She starts massaging the area and pulling me to her.

Me: “Look—”

She takes my head and turns it sharply, making my neck audibly snap.

Me: “What the f***?!”

I stumbled forward away from her, suddenly lightheaded. I walked away, not looking back, furious that she snapped my neck without permission. She’s not allowed behind me ever again.

You Need Thick Skin To Deal With These Thick Skulls
BIZARRE, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EMERGENCY ROOM, HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, INDONESIA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 6, 2020
I’m the attending doctor at the ER. Earlier this morning, we treated a man who crashed his bike and got a pretty nasty bruise as well as a concussion. A CT scan showed a fractured bone so he’ll need surgery. He told us he’d be using insurance, so he “wants a full record of everything you guys find.”

Later that day, a woman comes into the ER and starts banging on our table.

Woman: “EXCUSE ME! WHICH ONE OF YOU TREATED [PATIENT]?!”

Me: “Yes ma’am. I’m Doctor [My Name]. How can I he—”

Woman: “ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?!”

As you can guess, everyone in the room stops whatever they’re doing.

Me: “Pardon?”

Woman: “YES, YOU! ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?”

Me: “I don’t see how it’s— Why, yes, of course. What seems to be the matter?”

Woman: “Are you really? So why is it not stated in your uniform? Or your nametag?”

Me: “What does it have to do with [Patient], may I ask?”

Woman: “How dare you write in the report that my husband was not wearing a helmet?! I’ve just got a call from my insurance company that they’ll not pay the surgery because you wrote that he wasn’t wearing a helmet!“

Nurse: “Well, ma’am, your husband did say he wanted a full report exactly because he wants to use insurance.”

Woman: *Turns to nurse* “Well, b****, are you wearing a bra?! Now if he asks for a full report, why didn’t you also write in whether he’s wearing underwear or not? That’s not full report, is it, b****?“

Me: “Because we’re writing down things that are medically relevant. The fact he’s not wearing a helmet is, because he came in with a—”

Woman: “I don’t care! Now you’re gonna pay for his surgery because my insurance won’t pay! And it’s your fault!“

Then she stormed out of the ER, but not before yelling loudly, “THE DOCTOR IS NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!”

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 8
ASSISTED LIVING, ENGLAND, HEALTH & BODY, REVOLTING, UK, YORKSHIRE | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 5, 2020
I work in a specialist nursing home for people with severe and enduring mental health problems. A female resident with South East Asian origins enjoys cooking and offers to make traditional chai tea for staff, under supervision.

Whilst being assisted by a support worker whose English is not great, she adds more than fifty teaspoons of sugar to the pan, as well as spices and other ingredients.

Me: “This tea tastes really good!”

Those of us who don’t mind the sweetness enjoy it.

Then, the support worker tells a colleague about part of the cooking process.

Support Worker: “She just crushed the walnuts by crunching them in her mouth and then spitting them into the pan.”

She hadn’t realised that people would find this revolting!

We agreed that when she made it again, she needed to use appropriate equipment to do that task. Thankfully, the support worker saw the sense of this.

I was not too concerned about this, given how many motorway service stations I ate in during my childhood in the 1970s, where I probably ingested far worse!

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 7
COFFEE SHOP, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, UK | RIGHT | JULY 26, 2020
I work as a cafe barista on a UK campus. One morning, a customer who is infamous among the staff for being rude comes by and orders a latte. The transaction goes on normally, and she waits for her drink while I prepare it. When she collects her drink, she decides to add syrup to it.

Customer: “I want to add chai syrup to my drink.”

Me: “Sure thing, I just need to put the request through the till.”

Customer: “Okay, no problem; I can pay. How much is it?”

Me: “That will be 50p.”

Customer: “How much?”

Me: “50 pence.”

Customer: “No, I want four extra pumps of chai syrup. How much is that?”

Me: *In bewilderment* “It will cost you 50 pence.”

Customer: “No, I come here all the time! One, two, three, four! Do you understand?!”

I reply in a raised voice but trying my best not to shout.

Me: “Yeah, it’s gonna cost 50p!”

This goes on for a while. Luckily, it’s a quiet morning so there aren’t any other customers around. Finally, she takes out her card and asks one last time.

Customer: “Fine, I just want my drink! How much is it?!”

Me: *Pause* “It’s 50p.”

I add the syrup and give her the drink. By this time, my colleague has heard the commotion and arrived to hear her parting shot.

Customer: “You don’t speak English, by any chance?”

After the customer has left:

Colleague: “How did you not hit her?!”

I am not from the UK and don’t have a local accent, but English is my native language and I haven’t had a single problem communicating with anybody while in the UK. The customer is also not local, most probably from an Eastern European country based on her accent.

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 6
COFFEE SHOP, EMPLOYEES, MISSOURI, STUPID, USA | WORKING | MAY 23, 2018
(My husband and I stop at a drive-thru coffee shop for drinks. I don’t drink coffee, but I love this shop’s chai lattes, so I ask for one.)

Husband: “Can we have a medium, decaf, chai vanilla latte and a small peppermint mocha?”

Worker: “Sure! That will be [price] at the window!”

(We pull forward, pay, get our drinks, and pull off. I take my first sip and taste nothing but coffee.)

Me: “This has coffee in it.”

Husband: “What? I’m sorry. Why would they put coffee in it?”

Me: “Maybe because you said, ‘latte’? I mean, that’s what it’s called, but maybe that confused her?”

(We drive back through and pull up to the window.)

Worker: *looking confused* “Can I help you?”

Me: “There was coffee in my chai.”

Worker: “Yeah. You asked for a decaf chai. Decaf means coffee, so I thought you wanted decaf espresso in it.”

Me: “No… I hate coffee. Chai is black tea which has caffeine, so I just wanted that decaf.”

Worker: “So… that’s just regular chai.”

Me: “Yes, but without caffeine?”

Worker: *still seeming confused* “So… just a regular chai?”

Me: *giving up* “Please just give me a vanilla chai, no coffee.”

(To her credit, she did upgrade me to a large, and there was no coffee in my second order. But how do you work at a coffee shop and not know that tea has caffeine?)

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 5
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | APRIL 28, 2016
(I live in an area where tiny, locally owned coffee shacks are incredibly common. Darn near every establishment has one in their parking lot or built into their business one way or another. Unfortunately, this does not guarantee that whatever barista you’re ordering from knows what they are doing, so I’ve learned to ask what more experienced coffee buyers would consider no-brainer questions. Sometimes I’m still painfully disappointed. This particular shop is part of a flower shop that also hosts the weekly farmer’s market, and I stop in to get drinks while at the market to reduce my number of stops that afternoon.)

Me: “Okay, we’ll do a small hot chocolate, but for a kid so not so hot. A large quad mocha. And I see you have chai, is that in a latte or black?”

Barista: “Oh, no, sweetie. Chai is actually a kind of tea and doesn’t have coffee in it!”

Me: *taken aback slightly because while I’m not old, I’m definitely not young enough to be called “sweetie” by the early 20s barista* “I know it’s tea. I just want to know if you serve it in a latte or black?”

Barista: “I don’t get it. Are you wanting me to add a shot of coffee and make it a latte?”

Me: *confused, starting to catch on to where this is going* “Latte means it has milk in it…”

Barista: *suddenly extremely condescending* “No, it means COFFEE. Like a mocha latte is a coffee drink.”

Me: “Actually latte comes from same root word as lactose. It means it’s a drink with milk in it.”

Barista: “Well I don’t know how to tell you this, but latte means it’s a coffee drink. But, yes, our chai comes with milk in it, and I can add coffee if that’s what you want, but it’s 70 cents per shot…”

Me: *finally snapping after having a bad day, I turn and start toward the door while trying to remain as cold as possible* “You know what? I changed my mind about getting my coffee here. I’ll just go now.”

Barista: *sarcastically* “Wait! Don’t go! I was learning SO much from you!”

(While I heard she didn’t last long, I haven’t had the heart to go back there even for flowers after that exchange.)

When The Disability Comes From Others
OFFICE | WORKING | APRIL 29, 2016
(Our team has recently been majorly shaken up with changes. It’s also worth noting I have a number of health conditions which require me to have a desk I can sit and stand at interchangeably, I also start later in the morning (9:30) and have done for several years. I’ve been pulled into a meeting with the new manager.)

Manager: “So, I don’t see you fitting in. You’re not ‘living the team.’”

Me: “I’m sorry, what? I don’t know what you mean.”

Manager: “Well, you refuse to sit with the team.”

Me: “Yes, because I have to have a sit/stand desk. It’s an OHS requirement due to my back injury.”

Manager: “And what? That desk doesn’t exist where the team sits?”

Me: “There is one but it’s up against another desk. It’s incredibly claustrophobic to work at.”

Manager: “So, basically you refuse to sit at desks with others and insist on sitting separately.”

Me: “That’s not what I said! My desk is no more than 10m away and I regularly come over. I’m working within HR’s requirements.”

Manager: “I just don’t see you interacting. You’re not part of the team and you come in late everyday!”

Me: “You are aware I’ve had a verbal agreement with all my managers to start at 9:30 for the last four years?”

Manager: “No.”

Me: “Well, I do. My health issues are the worst in the morning so I need that extra time to get here. Are there any other reasons you think I’m not fitting in?”

Manager: “I don’t have to provide you with a list! You’re not fitting in and we need to move you to a team that can work with your limitations.”

(And that is how I realized my new boss is against people with disabilities and began looking for a new job!

Could Have Survived That Better
PHARMACY | WORKING | APRIL 30, 2016
(I work with a small mom and pop pharmacy for several years. Due to budget cuts it is necessary to layoff an employee. After discussing our options the owner decides to fire a technician who, though friendly, is relatively lazy. This is when Survivor first debuted.)

Boss: “So, [Coworker], you’ve been voted off the island.”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “…”

10 Stories About Customers Who Will Do Anything For A Discount
ROUNDUPS | RIGHT | OCTOBER 21, 2020
Dear readers,

Getting a discount is great! Times are tough and every penny counts, but when you demand a discount to the point that the customers in this roundup go to, you can’t help but feel sorry for the poor employees!

The following ten stories are about customers whose demands for discount range from entitled to moronic!



My, Aren’t We Feeling Entitled Today? – No, you don’t get a discount because you were wrong.

An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 3 – Lighter on the brains, heavy on the nuts.

Toothless Accusations – More than likely, you help pay for the dentist’s student loans.


I Think She Wants A Discount – Hits from the comments: “That is a Pokémon no one would want.”

The Lady Doth Go For Broke, Methinks – This is the worst kind of magic coupon.

Flaky To The 9th Degree – Nein, nein, NEIN!

Cute But Not Astute – It’s a well-known fact that Dakota Fanning never pays for anything.

Massive Fan But Sadly Not A Breeze – Baby, baby, baby… no.

Scamming In Plain Sight – You could have had it all.

Should Have Paid Attention In School – “Well, you should fix the Internet, then!” If that doesn’t sum up this website…

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 23, 2009
(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “Okay, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’. Can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir… that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir… it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated
DRUGS, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 21, 2009
(A patient walks up to the pick-up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

Me: “Sir, this is the pick-up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

Customer: “I don’t know; have I?”

Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

Me: “…I’ll make a note on that

Bilingual Secret Shame
PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2009
Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Diaper couches.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.”

Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.”

Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves*

Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 2, 2009
Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

How To Seize The Moment
HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, OHIO, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 8, 2010
(An elderly woman is having a seizure and obviously 911 has been called to the scene.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but when can I get my prescription?”

Me: “Ma’am, this woman is having a seizure and needs medical attention right away.”

Customer: “But I was here before her!”