If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 3
Coffee Shop | Working | February 22, 2016
(On impulse, I go to a national chain coffee place during my lunch break. It’s busy, but to my relief there’s almost no line when I get in. The customer in front of me gives a complex order, during which time I pick up one of the holiday-themed reusable cups beside me because I think they’re cute.)

Me: “A venti latte, decaf, please, and also this cup.”

Barista: *takes cup, calling out to her coworker, Barista #2 * “Can we do the chai tea latte in decaf?”

Me: “Oh, no, I asked for a venti decaf latte.”

Barista: “Okay, with soy?”

Me: “Um, no. Dairy milk, please.”

Barista: “Sorry, I keep expecting a complex order.”

Me: *smiling* “I’m a very simple person.”

Barista: “Okay, a decaf venti latte, minus the discount for the reusable cup… What’s your name?”

Me: “I’m [My Name]. Um, please make sure you charge me for the cup? I just picked it up over there.”

Barista: “Okay.”

(Which she does, and I go over to the pick up window. Getting the latte is faster than ordering it.)

Barista #2 : “Okay, vanilla latte for [My Name]!”

(I give up and end up taking the drink, as a line is forming at the register and I have to get back to work. I feel sorry for the first barista – it had obviously been a very long day for her!)



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Shout-Out To Frazzled Nurses!
Current Events, Funny, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, USA, Utah | Healthy | October 18, 2020
In July, both my wife and I contract the illness the health crisis is centered on, and we are taken to the local hospital. However, because I have complications, it is decided that I need to be transferred to a larger hospital with a pulmonologist available.

I am transferred by ambulance to the bigger hospital where there are staff waiting to admit me. I am on a stretcher with various medical staff around me. There is one nurse doing transfer paperwork for me.

Nurse: “So, do you prefer to be called Dave or David?”

This question has me puzzled.

Me: “My name is John!

Nurse: “Oops, I really must check the paperwork properly!”

Testing Their Patients And Their Patience
Canada, Current Events, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | October 14, 2020
I work at a medical clinic. During the health crisis, I have variations of the following story many times.

Me: “Has the patient been tested for [illness] recently?”

Patient’s Ride: “Oh, he lives at a seniors’ facility, and they get tested regularly.”

Me: *Pause* “The actual [illness] test where they get a swab?”

Patient’s Ride: “Oh, well, they get their temperatures taken regularly.”

How people at this point don’t understand the difference between being screened and tested, I will never know.

What A Load Of Crap
Blood Donation, Nurses, Stupid, UK | Healthy | October 10, 2020
I have been giving blood for years now without issue. Being slim, a few nurses ask me to confirm my weight because the clinic will not accept donations from anyone under fifty kg.

Nurse: “What is your weight, please?”

Me: “It’s fifty-five kg.”

Nurse: “No, it’s not. You’re underweight.”

Me: “Yes, it really is fifty-five kg; I can jump on some scales right now if you like.”

Nurse: “No, we don’t have any here. You are not fifty-five kg. When did you weigh yourself?”

Me: “This morning, because I knew I was coming here.”

Nurse: “Before breakfast and undressed?”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Nurse: “Was it before or after you went to the bathroom?”

Me: “I had already had a wee before I weighed myself.”

Nurse: “But not passed a stool? That will account for the discrepancy, then.”

Me: “Wait. What? The cut off is fifty kg; I’m five kg over that. I can’t lose that in one trip to the bathroom.”

Nurse: “Oh, you’d be surprised.”

In the end, I was allowed to donate if I promised to completely empty my bowels before the next visit — all five kg of it, apparently.

Thanks, Doctor Wazowski!
Current Events, Dentist, Funny, Movies & TV, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | October 9, 2020
To make a long story short, due to the health crisis, I end up needing to get my six-month cleaning done at a dentist I’ve never been to before. As expected, a ton of precautions are in place: waiting outside, wearing a mask until they actually start working inside your mouth, the employees wearing extra protection, etc.

I get checked in, x-rayed, and seated in the chair just fine. Among the equipment in the room is a long metal arm with joints for maneuvering and a cone at the end. When the hygienist pulls the arm around and positions the cone a few inches away from my face; I assume it’s a light.

However, before the hygienist turns it on, she explains that it’s a “suction device” to prevent germs from escaping. Nice precaution, but as soon as she says “suction,” I can feel my eyes bug out because, knowing that’s its purpose, the shape suddenly looks VERY familiar.

Me: “What?! But… it looks exactly like the Scream Extractor from Monsters, Inc.!”

Hygienist: *Laughing* “Yeah, a lot of people have been saying that. I never saw that movie, so I didn’t get it, but I just watched it a few days ago and went, ‘Oh, my gosh, yeah. We have the Scream Machine.’”

So, I had my cleaning done with a loud vacuum running a few inches from my face, and I left very grateful that they had seen me and with a hilarious story to text to the siblings.

The Least Annoying Telemarketer Ever
Awesome, Health & Body, Inspirational, Kind Strangers, Telemarketing, The Netherlands | Healthy | October 8, 2020
The official description of colic — or “crybaby” as is its literal translation from Dutch — is “a baby that cries at least three hours a day, at least three days a week, for at least three weeks,” and it usually passes by the fourth month.

When I was a baby, I cried for twenty hours a day, every day, for over seven months. The doctors weren’t able to find a cause. Food intolerances were tried and ruled out, my parents were accused of malingering and observed in the hospital to make sure they weren’t exaggerating and/or inducing the crying, and my parents were advised to have me sleep in the barn or have me sleep over at the home of a deaf elderly relative.

Around the seven-month mark, a telemarketer called our exhausted family to sell some kind of overpriced private health insurance.

My father picked up the phone and interrupted the sales spiel.

Father: “My baby has been crying twenty hours a day for the past seven months. She’s obviously in pain, and the doctors can’t find the cause or solve it and are still looking. You don’t want us as your customers.”

Telemarketer: “No, I totally understand. I hope I’m not overstepping, but have you tried a chiropractor? That could be KISS syndrome.”

My parents had not tried a chiropractor.

One week later, to the chiropractor I went.

That afternoon, my older brother — who didn’t know I had had any kind of appointment that day — looked at my parents in obvious concern.

Brother: “I think there’s something wrong with the baby. They’re never this quiet.”

My parents didn’t buy from the telemarketer, and they don’t remember her name. But we are all very glad a salesperson called us that day.

Time To Put This Working Relationship Behind You
Bad Behavior, Canada, Coworkers, Health & Body, Office, Vancouver | Healthy | October 7, 2020
I was in a work-related accident years ago and have a recurring neck issue. During one flareup, I head to our first aid person to note the pain in case I have to leave early from work or go to the doctor.

First Aid: “Where does it hurt?”

I point at the back of my neck and she stands behind me, poking at the spot.

First Aid: “We could try a realignment.”

Me: “No. No, thank you. This is recurring and I just need it noted. I’ll see my doctor if it gets worse.”

First Aid: “But we could just—”

Me: “No. I don’t need treatment. Just please note it.”

She starts massaging the area and pulling me to her.

Me: “Look—”

She takes my head and turns it sharply, making my neck audibly snap.

Me: “What the f***?!”

I stumbled forward away from her, suddenly lightheaded. I walked away, not looking back, furious that she snapped my neck without permission. She’s not allowed behind me ever again.

You Need Thick Skin To Deal With These Thick Skulls
Bizarre, Criminal & Illegal, Emergency Room, Hospital, Impossible Demands, Indonesia | Healthy | October 6, 2020
I’m the attending doctor at the ER. Earlier this morning, we treated a man who crashed his bike and got a pretty nasty bruise as well as a concussion. A CT scan showed a fractured bone so he’ll need surgery. He told us he’d be using insurance, so he “wants a full record of everything you guys find.”

Later that day, a woman comes into the ER and starts banging on our table.

Woman: “EXCUSE ME! WHICH ONE OF YOU TREATED [PATIENT]?!”

Me: “Yes ma’am. I’m Doctor [My Name]. How can I he—”

Woman: “ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?!”

As you can guess, everyone in the room stops whatever they’re doing.

Me: “Pardon?”

Woman: “YES, YOU! ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?”

Me: “I don’t see how it’s— Why, yes, of course. What seems to be the matter?”

Woman: “Are you really? So why is it not stated in your uniform? Or your nametag?”

Me: “What does it have to do with [Patient], may I ask?”

Woman: “How dare you write in the report that my husband was not wearing a helmet?! I’ve just got a call from my insurance company that they’ll not pay the surgery because you wrote that he wasn’t wearing a helmet!“

Nurse: “Well, ma’am, your husband did say he wanted a full report exactly because he wants to use insurance.”

Woman: *Turns to nurse* “Well, b****, are you wearing a bra?! Now if he asks for a full report, why didn’t you also write in whether he’s wearing underwear or not? That’s not full report, is it, b****?“

Me: “Because we’re writing down things that are medically relevant. The fact he’s not wearing a helmet is, because he came in with a—”

Woman: “I don’t care! Now you’re gonna pay for his surgery because my insurance won’t pay! And it’s your fault!“

Then she stormed out of the ER, but not before yelling loudly, “THE DOCTOR IS NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!”

This Tech Feliway From Her Studies
Drugs, Kansas, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | October 1, 2020
Feliway is a product that sends out cat pheromones. It’s used for calming them down, helping them adjust to change, or preventing urinating and defecating anywhere except the litter box.

Me: “Hi, do you sell Feliway here?”

Vet Tech: “No, I don’t believe in drugs.”

Me: “Feliway isn’t a drug; it’s cat pheromones.”

Vet Tech: “What are pheromones?”

Me: “…”

Luckily, another vet tech understood what I wanted and got it for me. I heard her trying to explain cat pheromones to the other tech, who had a blank look on her face.

This Customer Is A Pain In His Own Back(side)
Italy, Office, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | September 30, 2020
A customer in his seventies hobbles to the window. I start processing some papers and we do some small talk in the process.

Customer: “My back has been killing me for the past week. I couldn’t even walk if I wasn’t on [painkiller].”

Me: “That’s actually the same brand I use. It’s quite effective.”

Customer: “I do hope so. I took four this morning but it has done me no good so far. I might have to take more.”

Me: “That’s unfort— Wait, how many did you say you took?”

Customer: “Four, why?”

Me: “Um, sir, the recommended dose for [painkiller] is two, twice a day. Four in total. Did you just take four all in one go?!”

Customer: “Well, I assumed since I was in a lot of pain I could double the dose.”

Me: “Doubling the dose would mean seriously overdosing on paracetamol. I wouldn’t do that.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***. Yesterday, I took ten in total and it still did nothing.”

I ended up calling an ambulance on him!

Thank You, Doctor Obvious
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Pennsylvania, Stupid, USA | Healthy | September 29, 2020
I am thirty-two weeks pregnant and experiencing sharp pain at the top of my belly. My obstetrician thinks I may have gallstones so he sends me for an ultrasound. The scan comes back clear. At my next appointment, I bring up the pain again.

Doctor: “Your scan was clear so it’s not gallstones.”

Me: “Okay, well, what else could it be? It’s a pretty significant pain.”

Doctor: “Well… you’re pregnant.”

I wanted to shout, “So THAT’S what’s been going on!” but I refrained.

No Rheum For Argument
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | September 27, 2020
I’m visiting my rheumatologist to discuss changes to my medication. The last time I visited, I had a bad reaction to an injection for my autoimmune disorder and I am looking to switch. He’d also started me on another medication that didn’t seem to have any effect, so I’m wondering what the next step is.

Me: “I don’t want to use [Medication #1 ] anymore. I was in so much pain for the week after that I could barely walk. Just standing up made me nauseous.”

Doctor: “Hmm… Well, [Medication #1 ] is the safest one for pregnant women, and you never know when you might get pregnant. I wouldn’t want to take a risk with another medication.”

Me: “Um… like I said before, I’m not going to get pregnant. I need to move to a different medication.”

Doctor: “You know, a colleague of mine had a patient that said the same thing, and only two weeks later, she found out she was pregnant. It happens.”

Me: *Frustrated* “I don’t have sex with men.”

The doctor looks at me blankly for about a minute.

Doctor: “Ah. Well, we can start you on [Medication #2 ]. It’ll take at least two weeks to get your insurance to approve it, though.”

Me: “That’s fine.”

Doctor: “And how about the [Ineffective Drug]? Has anything changed?”

Me: “No, not that I can tell.”

Doctor: “Good. I just wanted to see if there were any side effects. I’ll send in a refill so we can start treating your fibromyalgia.”

Me: “Um… what? I don’t have fibromyalgia.”

Doctor: *Casually* “No, you definitely do. It’s pretty common to develop fibromyalgia along with an autoimmune disorder.”

As I’m sitting there, trying to process what he just told me, he opens the door and waves me out into the lobby.

Doctor: “Okay, let the girls in the front know that I need to see you in two weeks. Have a good day!”

I did not have a good day.

Like Getting Water From A Stone
Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Nurses, Texas, USA | Healthy | September 25, 2020
I’m getting blood drawn — I think it ends up being six vials? — and I start to feel woozy.

Me: “Umm… I’m kind of dizzy.”

Lab Tech: “Oh, do you want some water?”

I nod and immediately regret it.

Me: “Yes, please.”

She gets up and disappears into some back room, and I close my eyes, trying to get my head to stop spinning. After about ten minutes, the nausea wins and I throw up all over the floor.

Lab Tech: *Coming back in* “Are you all right?”

Me: *Weakly* “I’m so sorry. I threw up.”

Lab Tech: *Waving a hand* “Don’t worry. It happens all the time.”

I look at her expectantly but she’s empty-handed.

Lab Tech: “Oh, right. The thing is, we don’t actually have any water. Whoops!”

Someone’s Feeling A Little TOO Good
Australia, Harassment, Hospital, Patients, Sydney | Healthy | September 23, 2020
I am a student nurse who hasn’t seen much of the world. I’m working in a geriatric ward and I have been really enjoying working with these patients. Thus far, they have all been sweet, polite, and charming, and they usually have delightful things to tell me.

A group of patients has been positioned together in lounge chairs near the window. It’s a lovely sunny morning; the sun is streaming in and everyone is feeling great.

I approach one gentleman.

Me: “How are you doing there?”

Patient: “Ahhh…”

He settles himself right back in his chair.

Patient: “If I was any more comfortable, you’d be f****** me!”

We’re Sure She Remembers The Really Important Stuff
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | September 21, 2020
I have just had minor surgery and am recovering from the general anaesthetic. The nurse in the ward has been amazing; she brings me a cheese sandwich which, after a day of not eating, was very appreciated. She asks if I want a drink and I say I do. However, after ten minutes pass, she hasn’t brought one. She walks past and suddenly gasps:

Nurse: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry; I forgot your drink. I’ll go get it now.”

She leaves, and after a further wait, I realise she has probably gotten sidetracked with other patients. I remember that I actually have a drink in my bag, so I just grab that.

After a while, the nurse walks past again.

Nurse: “I can’t believe I forgot your drink again! I am so bad at this job!”

At that, she slowly turns around to face the patient she was coming here to see and quickly shouts out.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean that! I promise I’m not bad at this job!”

I cracked up. Thank you, [Nurse], for making my day much brighter.

The Perfect Place For A Coronary!
Editors' Choice, Florida, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Restaurant, USA | Healthy | September 19, 2020
A friend of mine and I are hanging out on the weekend in the next town over, and we stop to get lunch at a deli that’s just opened up that someone else I know has been raving about. The place is small, with several tables close to where you place your order, and all of said tables are full. We walk up to place our orders.

Server: “What can I get you guys today?”

Me: “Can I get a [Special] on white, with no mayo and extra onion?”

Server: “Sure thing!” *Turns to my friend* “What can I get for you, sir?”

My friend is a bit of a picky eater, so it takes him a second to respond. And he tends to like meat and cheese… a lot of meat and cheese.

Friend: *Still skimming the menu* “Yeah… Can I get [Sandwich], no veggies or condiments, with double meat, triple bacon, and quadruple cheese? And some salt.”

The server gives him a strange look and I just snicker.

Me: “He’ll have a heart attack on a bun, basically.”

The server and my friend laugh, and one of the tables behind us pipes up.

Random Person: “Just so you guys know, we’re off-duty.”

I turned around to see who was talking to us; seated directly behind my friend and me was a group of off-duty EMTs, still in uniform! My friend, the server, and I all cracked up laughing for a good minute, and so did the group of EMTs. One of the funniest stars-aligned moments I’ve had to date!

A Close Shave To Get Those Teeth Clean
Assisted Living, Awesome, Canada, Inspirational | Healthy | September 10, 2020
It’s my first day working as a care assistant in a home for adults with learning difficulties. Every resident is treated as a member of the family. A more experienced colleague is showing me around.

Colleague: “This is John. He needs a lot of personal care, but he’s a great guy. He’s quite happy and easy to take care of.”

Later, we are putting him to bed and my colleague is demonstrating to me how to clean his teeth. John won’t open his mouth for the toothbrush.

Colleague: “He really doesn’t like the taste of toothpaste. We have to be patient.”

Two minutes later, he still hasn’t opened his mouth.

Colleague: “Would you switch on John’s shaver? It’s on the shelf there.”

Me: “Huh? We haven’t finished cleaning his teeth yet.”

Colleague: “Just switch it on and watch carefully.”

Confused, I switch it on. Then, I look at John to watch the reaction. He grins and opens his mouth wide. My colleague puts the toothbrush in and cleans his teeth without issue.

Colleague: “You see, he hates getting his teeth cleaned, but he loves getting shaved. The sound of the shaver is enough to distract him. Getting shaved is his reward for letting us clean his teeth.”

I was amazed that something so simple would work! Several months later, I enjoy working with him.

It’s An Emergency! But It Can Wait.
Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 7, 2020
I have a concerning problem and decide to ask my insurance’s nurse advice hotline if I should go to the ER. This is what happens at the end of our conversation.

Nurse: “I definitely think you should call 911 and have an ambulance take you to the hospital. But before you do that, would you mind answering a few survey questions about my performance today?”

Me: *Incredulous pause* “No.”

I hung up, pretty shocked. I could not believe that she did that. An online survey later, sure. But in a situation urgent enough to call 911?

As for my medical issues, a new medication was causing serious complications. Reversing the medication, plus a few other things, solved it. I should be fine.

Attention-Seeking Isn’t Always A Bad Thing
California, Doctor/Physician, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | September 5, 2020
This happens when I am sixteen, almost seventeen. My mom is out of town on a business trip and I insist that I am fine to stay home while she is gone. I haven’t been feeling well for a few days, so I go in to see a doctor. My regular doctor isn’t in that day so they send me to see a different doctor.

The doctor comes in and starts to look over my medical history. While he’s doing so, we have the following conversation.

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”

Me: “My stomach really hurts and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for a few days. The pain keeps getting worse, and then I throw up and the pain gets better for a while, but then it gets bad again.”

Doctor: “Can you describe the pain and where it’s located?”

Me: “It’s sharp and right here.”

I point to the lower right part of my abdomen.

Doctor: “Uh-huh.” *Looks up from the computer* “Well, just get plenty of fluids and rest and you should be fine in a few days. Nothing to worry about.”

Me: “I really don’t feel good. It feels like something is wrong.”

Doctor: “Well, I can see from your medical records that you’ve been seeing a therapist for the past year and are on antidepressants. I’m putting in your file that you are having attention-seeking behavior. There is nothing wrong with you other than a stomach virus. I will follow up with your therapist.”

With that, he left the room.

I called my mom and told her that the doctor said it was just a stomach virus and that it should go away soon. My mom got home late the next day and checked on me. I still wasn’t feeling well and we made another appointment for me for the next day. I woke her up at two am because something felt wrong. The pain was gone but I couldn’t get warm. She took me to the ER; my appendix had ruptured. I ended up spending a week in the ICU with an infection and it took another month to fully recover.

Taking A Page Out Of Jean Milburn’s Book
Editors' Choice, Funny, Health & Body, Hospital, Parents/Guardians, Rude & Risque, UK | Healthy | September 4, 2020
My mother is a retired midwife. I was raised with a clear understanding of motherhood and everything it entails. As a ten-year-old boy, I would read her professional magazines. I could have an intelligent conversation about menopause or explain an epidural. Then, in my early teens, this happens.

Mum: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you? You won’t believe what happened last night. We had a model breast.”

Me: “A model— Wait, what?”

Mum: “We had some professional development training to do in breastfeeding, and they had a model breast for it.”

Me: “Er, model breast?”

Mum: “A model of a boob; it’s supposed to imitate a functioning boob. It came complete with a nipple that dispenses a liquid.”

Me: “Right… but almost all midwives are women. Aren’t there enough boobs in a maternity hospital for this to be obvious?”

Mum: “We all thought that, so we repurposed the training boob.”

Me: “I— Wait, what? A model boob was supplied to your colleagues for training and… Where is it now?”

Mum: “In the bathroom.”

Me: “Model breast in our bath… huh?”

Mum: “Since we didn’t need it, we reused it as a soap dispenser.”

Me: “I… What?”

Mum: “We obviously didn’t need it, so we might as well put it to good use. So, we glued it to the wall of the staff bathroom and added liquid soap. Press the nipple and soap comes out.”

I nearly peed myself with laughter.

Help Me Help You
Bad Behavior, California, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, USA | Healthy | September 3, 2020
I am in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. While I am there waiting for surgery, I overhear a conversation with a man being extremely loud and a nurse trying to tend to him.

Nurse: “Sir, I need to ask you to calm down so we can treat your injuries.”

Man: “No! I bet you gonna try and sew me up so you can pass it off to my insurance! I ain’t falling for that s***!”

Nurse: “Sir, I’m gonna ask you to please calm down so we can stop the bleeding and at least bandage you up!”

Man: “NO! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO STEAL MONEY FROM ME! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR S***! SEND ME ANOTHER NURSE OR SOMETHING!”

Nurse: “Listen! I don’t have to deal with your attitude, but it’s my duty as a nurse to tend to injuries. Now either you can calm down and let me at least bandage you up and give you pain relievers and send you on your way, I can have security escort you out while we clean the mess you made, or I can send you to [Nearest Hospital, in another city] if you want to be rowdy as you are. What’s it gonna be?!”

I don’t hear anything for ten minutes, or I pass out from the painkillers, but I overhear the nurse and another nurse speaking after a while.

Nurse #1 : “I can’t believe he was that stubborn over a ‘paper’ cut on his arm.”

I’m guessing that is a code term for minor cuts and whatnot.

Nurse #2 : “Paper cut? That did not look like a paper cut!”

Nurse #1 : “Trust me; when you’ve had to file paperwork as much as I have in my time, you realize the difference between a ‘stab wound’ and a nasty paper cut.”

I have been thankful ever since for how kind the nurses were while I was in the hospital, after seeing what they put up with daily.

Apparently, Not Everyone Hates Needles?
Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Non-Dialogue, USA, West Virginia | Healthy | September 1, 2020
My coworker is working registration in the emergency department. A visitor for a patient comes in, and after my coworker checks with the nurse, she tells the gentleman to have a seat in the waiting room and she will get her as soon as he can go back.

Shortly after, a nurse comes out calling the names of a few patients ready to be seen.

She is busy helping a new patient check in when she believes she sees the gentleman sneak in with the group of patients.

She is busy and doesn’t have time to stop him and she figures staff will end up sending him back out.

After a few minutes, she has everyone checked in and a patient comes out of the waiting room enquiring how long until he can go back.

Once he tells her the name, she instantly recognizes it as one the nurse had just called. She looks up the name, and sure enough, it’s showing him roomed in the ED.

She quickly calls the nurse who is about to put an IV in the visitor’s arm.

Unlike sneaking to visit a patient like my coworker expected this guy would do, instead, he followed the nurse to the room pretending to be someone else.

I don’t know how he faked his way that far since all nurses ask for name and birthday confirmation before they do anything.

Security removed him quickly after they realized what was going on.

Which Hurts Worse? The Broken Bone Or Worker’s Comp?
Billing, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, USA | Healthy | August 31, 2020
I fall down at work and badly injure my foot and ankle. I limp to the bathrooms and feel it; it’s puffing up quick. My supervisor comes over and asks what happened. I tell him; he facepalms and tells me to drive myself to the hospital and not to worry because I have worker’s compensation.

I do, but the adrenaline wears off. I can’t use my right foot because it’s too painful, so I have to use my left. Luckily, there’s no traffic because it’s very awkward and painful to drive. I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. Once I get there, I park and hop to the lobby. My supporting leg buckles and I can’t go further.

I yell for help and the receptionist gives me a wheelchair. I check in and tell her it’s worker’s compensation and she says okay. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself, and then I hear sobbing. There’s an older woman whose foot looks black and rotted. I stop feeling so sorry for myself.

After a long wait, I’m taken to get x-rays, and after a longer wait after that, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: *Very cheerily* “Well! I looked over your x-rays and you have sprained your ankle and broken your foot!”

Me: “Oh, no! I’ve never broken anything. Will I need surgery?”

Doctor: *Big grin* “No, it’s just a foot! Ha! You can just use a boot!”

Me: “Oh, but I need it.”

Doctor: “Now, let me just wrap your foot!”

She grabs my poor, already black and blue foot, roughly.

Me: “Owwwwww!”

Doctor: “Oh, I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”

Yeah, it’s broken, duh.

She wrapped it up while humming and gave me a boot and crutches. Then, I was thrown out, and later, the hospital said I needed to pay. I told them again that it was worker’s compensation and they said okay. But they kept calling and sending letters every day, saying the worker’s compensation company wouldn’t answer their calls! They kept harassing me until I finally gave in. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have, but anyone who’s been harassed every day for yea

More Like “Harmacist”
Employees, New Jersey, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | August 30, 2020
My boyfriend and I decide to have sex one night, so we grab a condom, but it breaks halfway through, and we don’t realize until we finish.

I decide to go to the pharmacy to get a morning-after pill. I don’t look particularly young. When I arrive at the pharmacy, the pharmacist comes right up to the counter.

Me: “Hi. Can I get the morning-after pill?”

Pharmacist: “Did you speak with your doctor?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Pharmacist: “You need to speak with your doctor, first, sweetheart. And I need your parents’ consent.”

Me: “Um, first of all, no, you don’t. Even if I was underage, you don’t need their consent. And I should get the pill if I ask for it right here; I shouldn’t have to speak to my doctor.”

Pharmacist: “Underage? How old are you?”

Me: “Twenty-four.”

The pharmacist looks surprised before consulting with another pharmacist. They both come over, the first pharmacist watching from behind the second pharmacist. The second pharmacist hands me the package with the pill.

Second Pharmacist: “Sorry about that. She’s never acted like that before. I’ll

That’s The Trouble With Affordable Healthcare
Emergency Room, England, Hospital, Impossible Demands, London, Nurses, Parents/Guardians, Stupid, UK | Healthy | August 28, 2020
I work in a hospital. A mother brings her daughter into the emergency room.

Nurse: “Hi there. Could you describe the nature of your medical needs?”

Mother: “My daughter stepped in dog poop and I’m afraid she might have an infection.”

Nurse: “Okay, does your daughter have any open wounds, blisters, warts, etc., near where she came into contact with the dog poop?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Did you wash her foot afterward with warm water and soap?”

Mother: “That’s disgusting! Why would I do that?”

Nurse: “To protect your daughter from infection?”

Mother: “No, I just threw it out.”

Nurse: “Wha…” *Lightbulb moment* “Was your daughter wearing shoes when she stepped in the poop?”

Mother: “Yes! Of course.”

Nurse: “So, you’re telling me that your daughter stepped into dog poop wearing shoes and socks, and she has no open wounds on her feet, and you are worried she has an infection?”

Mother: “Yes, of course, I’m worried.”

Nurse: “No offence, but this is an emergency room. It is very unlikely she got an infection, and since this is obviously a very low-priority case, you may be waiting here for up to six hours to see a doctor. I recommend you go home and make an appointment with your regular doctor in a couple of days’ time. If your daughter does take any severe turns, you can always bring her in or call an ambulance and she will be seen immediately.”

Mother: “Oh, no, you don’t! I want you to get my daughter to see a doctor as soon as you can!”

Nurse: “Very well. Please be aware that you could be waiting a very long time as we assign cases on a priority basis. Also please be aware that, whilst we make every effort to remove the risk of infection, this is a hospital and there is a chance that infected blood or bodily fluids may be present. Also be aware that, since this is a walk-in center, we do get a lot of homeless men and drug addicts coming in to get out of the rain.”

It is clear that the nurse is doing everything in her power to dissuade this mother from trying to see a doctor.

Mother: “Whatever. Those infections probably aren’t as bad as the ones you can get from dog poop.”

Nurse: “Actually, blood and bodily fluids might be contaminated with any number of infections, including HIV.”

Mother: “Oh, don’t be silly.”

The woman and her daughter moved on to the waiting room and were sat there for approximately four and a half hours. The woman was told by the doctor to do exactly what the nurse had advised and left looking overly smug.

Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”
Emergency Room, Health & Body, LGBTQ, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | August 26, 2020
I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”

Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”

On another occasion:

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”

Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”

Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”

On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”

Listen Well To This Painful Lesson!
Health & Body, Home, Missouri, Non-Dialogue, Stupid, USA | Healthy | August 25, 2020
Have you ever wondered why your doctor tells you not to shove things in your ears?

I know all of the conventional wisdom: no Q-tips, cotton balls, hairpins, etc. However, that doesn’t mean my ears don’t get occasionally itchy, and sometimes, you just have to scratch.

One night, I was lying in my bed, and I felt the irresistible urge to scratch an itch inside my ear. So, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I slid my pinkie in my ear, twisted it, and pulled it out, quick as you like.

It should be noted that I have notoriously tiny ears — ridiculously so — and that I’m used to feeling a little suction when I scratch my ear with my pinkie.

But this time was different.

This time, when my pinkie caught suction, it caught hard — so hard it created a vacuum inside my ear canal.

When my pinkie made it out of my ear, there was a loud POP and such pain that I immediately started to cry. It felt like someone had jabbed a screwdriver into my ear.

Within two hours, the pain had partially subsided, but my ear was hot and leaking clear pus. Sounds were muffled, and I couldn’t hear my own voice in my skull on that side of my head. So, I once more did what any reasonable adult would do and tried to sleep it off.

Fight the inevitable as I might, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to go to urgent care. The hearing loss had grown profound, my head was tilting to the left, and everything was muffled and uncomfortable.

The doctor looked in my ear for less than two seconds and gave me the bad news I’d been dreading, along with $500 in antibiotics. Healthcare in America is a b**** if you’re on a state-funded plan, and I was on vacation 2,000 miles outside the area my insurance would cover. Yay, America!

And that’s how I ruptured my eardrum by scratching an itch with my pinkie.

App-ly Your Brain To This Situation
Australia, Current Events, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | August 24, 2020
I’m a receptionist checking in a patient.

Me: “Okay. Have you been tested for [widespread illness] in the last two weeks?”

Patient: “I have the app.”

I patiently waited for an answer. The patient just stared at me.

Make Sure You Stretch First
Health & Body, Home, Pennsylvania, Spouses & Partners, USA | Healthy | August 23, 2020
I am old enough that I’ve gone through menopause. A few months ago, I had some bleeding, so my doctor wanted to do a biopsy. This was very uncomfortable, not because of the biopsy itself, but due to me having to be dilated. Having never had children, I’d never experienced the pain.

Today, I have a followup biopsy to make sure everything is still okay since the first one turned out okay.

I tell my husband that when I come home I’ll take one of my strong painkillers to help with the pain. The following exchange takes place.

Husband: “Why are you going to do that? They’re only taking a snip of tissue.”

Me: “It’s not the snip that hurts. It’s the dilation!”

The kicker is that he and his ex have two kids. It shouldn’t be a foreign concept to him!

But on the plus side, my mother-in-law who took me got me a pack of snack-size dark chocolate bars! That’s one of my favorite takeaways from “Harry Potter”: that chocolate makes everything better. And best of all, it’s scientifically proven.

This Patient Needs A Patience Refill
Jerk, Oregon, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | August 21, 2020
I’m at a drive-thru for my local pharmacy. There are two lanes: one for drop-off, one for pickup. I’m in the pickup lane when a lady pulls up to the drop-off lane. It’s currently Saturday afternoon.

Pharmacy Tech: “Good afternoon. Are you dropping off today?”

Lady: “Actually, I need to get a refill on a prescription. I’ve been unable to reach you guys by phone for a week and a half.”

Pharmacy Tech: “Okay, can I get your info?”

The information is passed and a minute or so passes.

Pharmacy Tech: “We do not have the prescription in stock, but we’ll have this filled for you by Monday afternoon.”

Lady: “I can’t wait that long! I need my prescription. Can you see if any other location has it?”

Pharmacy Tech: “Just a couple of minutes.”

A couple of minutes go by.

Pharmacy Tech: “The other pharmacies in this area also don’t have it; it’s not a common prescription. If you had called it in prior to now, we’d have it all ready for you.”

Lady: “This is unacceptable!”

Pharmacy Tech: “We didn’t know you needed a refill. We do have an automatic refill service.”

Lady: “I don’t like those automatic refill things.”

Pharmacy Tech: “If you needed the prescription today, you should have called it in a couple days ago, or you could have done it online.”

Lady: “I don’t have time for this. You should have my prescription ready. It’s not my fault I didn’t call for a refill.”

The lady speeds off.

An Honest Doctor Is A Good Thing
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | August 19, 2020
I develop a hernia on vacation so I go to my urologist for help.

Me: “Is this a hernia?”

He has done other surgeries for me before.

He pokes it a few times — ouch! — and agrees.

Doctor: ”Yup, that’s a hernia. Good.”

Me: ”Why is this good?”

Doctor: ”Because I get paid more to fix this.”

He retired a few years ago. I miss that guy.

Have A Heart, Use Your Brain
Estonia, Hospital, Jerk, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | August 17, 2020
This story was told by my neighbour. She is waiting at the hospital for an appointment with an orthopaedist. Her number is called, but before she can stand up and go to the correct office, another woman quickly runs in before her. Puzzled, my neighbour goes to the receptionist.

Neighbour: “Excuse me, could you please help me? I have an appointment with [Doctor], but another lady ran in when my number was called. I have been waiting for that appointment and I would hate to miss it.”

Receptionist: “What? Please, come with me.”

She marches to the doctor’s office with my neighbour following her and opens the door to the office where the doctor is just starting with the woman who stormed in.

Receptionist: “Is your name Mrs. [Neighbour]? And was your number [number #1]?”

Woman: “No, my name is [Woman]. And my number is [number #2 ].”

Receptionist: *Looking puzzled* “[Number #2 ]? Isn’t that a number used in a different building? Cardiology?”

Woman: “Look, I found a parking spot closer to here and I’m in a hurry. Do I really have to go to a different building? Couldn’t this doctor look at me now?”

Orthopaedist: “Given that my office is not equipped for diagnosing heart issues, it would be useless. Please leave.”

Doctor Obvious Is Afoot
Current Events, Doctor/Physician, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA, Vancouver, Washington | Healthy | August 14, 2020
I’ve had severe pain in both of my feet on and off for two years. I’ve been diagnosed with tendonitis, mild tendon tears, plantar fasciitis, Morton’s neuroma, and arthritis. I’ve tried everything that two doctors have suggested, plus a few things I learned about doing my own research. I’ve also had an MRI.

I’m getting pretty desperate for relief. This means that I’m willing to see a doctor despite the rapidly spreading illness going around, even though I’m at extremely high risk for it.

At my most recent appointment, the doctor proudly announced that I had metatarsalgia. This was a fancy way of saying that the bones in my feet hurt. No kidding, doc! He recommended highly cushioned shoes — which is all I’d been able to wear for two years — and that’s it.

I’ll be seeking out yet another doctor for this.

They Might Be Coming On To Something…
Arizona, Current Events, Health & Body, Hospital, Phoenix, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | August 10, 2020
A bit of backstory for anyone reading old stories years from now: there’s a global health crisis going on, and a lot of people are acting like it’s either fake or no big deal. I’m waiting for an x-ray, and I overhear some medical workers talking.

Worker #1 : “Did you hear that [disease] causes a loss of ability to orgasm?”

Worker #2 : “No! Where did you hear that?”

Worker #1 : “My girlfriend and I made it up, but if we spread that around, maybe people would actually care.”

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Someone Else
England, Friends, Gym, Health & Body, Instant Karma, Jerk, Non-Dialogue, Sports, Sports Center, UK | Healthy | August 6, 2020
This took place about eight years ago. My younger brother and I join a group of guys for a game of indoor football — soccer — at our local sports centre every weekend. Everyone else is college age, seventeen or eighteen, while I am the eldest at twenty.

Things go by smoothly. One of the guys is a friend of ours, and there is a clear mix of ability so there is little in the way of unbalanced teams. Nonetheless, one of the guys is super competitive and continually body-checks others into the walls in order to tackle them. As the eldest in the group, I have de facto responsibility to ensure everyone’s health and safety, so I gently ask him at the end of the session to tone down his tackling, since he could seriously injure or be injured in doing so. As I feared, he simply brushes it off and says everything will be fine.

Cut to a few weeks later. My brother is unable to come with so it is just me this time. Everything goes fine until a harsh tackle from me on another guy causes me to roll my ankle, causing me to fall hard on my lower back. As play stops, the idiot I mentioned has the brilliant idea of grabbing me by the arms and ankles and carrying me away from the playing area!

While they carry on their game without a care in the world, I am lying there in agony. Between the now worsened ankle injury, they also jarred my lower back by unceremoniously dumping me on the floor. My friend stops playing and comes over to see if I’m okay. I immediately order him to get a member of staff, which he does. When the on-duty first aider — also the manager — arrives, the guys laugh and tell me to “stop acting like a p****,” to which my friend replies that this is serious.

An ambulance is called and my mother arrives after my friend used my phone to call her. About six hours later, I leave the local hospital on crutches with a severe high ankle sprain and strained lower lumbar muscles, and a metric crapload of various prescription painkillers. The following morning, my ankle has swelled to twice the size and looks the colour of a ripe blackberry. I take a photo for my university as proof — I commute to the uni and will be in no shape to get there for at least a week, maybe even two — and settle in to working out how to use my crutches effectively.

Six months later, I start training again to get my fitness back, and my brother and I go back to the football group. Naturally, they laugh that I took half a year off for “diving”…

…until I wordlessly walk up to the idiot in charge and show him the photo of my blackberry-coloured, inflated ankle. I stress my warning back to him from way before, and I swear I have never seen the colour fade so fast from someone seeing consequences of their actions.

Nowadays, my ankle is fully functional, if slightly more tender, while my lower back has developed into full-on sciatica. Still enjoy football, though!

Just Call Him Hal
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, New Hires, USA | Healthy | August 2, 2020
I’m a nurse on a busy med surge floor. Shift change has just occurred. My CNA calls me to let me know one of my patients’ blood pressure readings is high. I pull up the chart, check the newest results, and realize their drug test is positive for absolutely everything drug we test for and they also have a very high alcohol score. I go into the room to access my patient and as soon as I get in, I know they are starting to go through withdrawals.

I call the doctor immediately to get a drug and alcohol withdrawal medication bundle on. I end up getting a brand-new resident. I introduce myself and explain the issue.

Me: “…and I need a stat order on the drug and alcohol withdrawal med bundle. Thanks!”

Resident: “I’m new; I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “No problem.”

I list the meds I need, the dosages, frequency, etc.

Resident: “I can’t write those orders; those are controlled medications.”

Some of them are, but most are anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea meds.

Me: “You’re a doctor; you can write controlled meds. This is a standard medication bundle for this issue.”

Resident: “I don’t think I can write those.”

Me: “Is [Doctor] there? Can you put him on speaker, please?”

He does and I repeat the request.

Doctor: *To the resident* “Start typing what the nurse tells you.”

Resident: “But I can’t write those orders; they are controlled.”

Doctor: “I’m only going to tell you this once more. Put in all the orders the nice nurse tells you right now. We have a patient who is about to go into severe drug withdrawals. She is trying to avoid the massive projectile vomiting, diarrhea, and seizures that are about to happen. Nurse [My Name], how long do you think we have?”

Me: “Thirty minutes, maybe less. They are already starting to sweat and look a bit green around the gills.”

The new resident was still arguing with the doctor that he couldn’t write those orders. The doc got fed up with him and told him that from then on he was to write every effing order I told him. I got my orders.

A few days later, the new resident was on the floor. I went up to get a med order and he started again with the “I don’t think I’m allowed to write that.” I smiled and let him know that I was nurse [My Name], and that he might remember that the doctor in charge of him told him not to argue with me about med orders. I did have to show him how to put them on, but it got done.

The other nurses asked how I managed to get orders out of him because he’d been pulling the same garbage with all of them. The doctor ended up giving him blanket orders that he was to listen to the nurses, and if he really wasn’t sure to call him or the pharmacist, but he was not allowed to utter “I don’t think I can write that” ever again.

We are wondering if he’ll last through the end of the month.

Whatever She Saw, They Had It Comin’
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | August 1, 2020
I’m usually pretty chatty with my doctors; I’ve learned that they have seen and heard much more shocking stories than mine since I live a pretty boring and standard life. Every time I get a new doctor, I’m sure to be honest and unashamed because they kind of need to know things like that.

I start rambling this point to a new doctor and point out how she’s probably dealt with more embarrassing things than someone being a virgin when asked about their sexual history.

She gives me a knowing look and then says, “I was an ER doctor in Chicago.”

Now I definitely know that there’s no scaring her!

We Need No Further Evidence Regarding Her Sanity
Bizarre, Jerk, New York, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | July 31, 2020
I work in a pharmacy and I get a call from an older customer.

Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “You gave me the wrong pills!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am; did the bag have your name on it?”

Customer: “It’s my name, but the wrong pills are in the bottle!”

Me: “It’s possible we refilled one of your other prescriptions on fi—”

Customer: “No! The wrong pills are in the bottle!”

Me: “All right, can I have the number on the bottle?”

Customer: “Oh, no, you don’t! I’m not giving that to you.”

Me: “All right, can I have your name, please?”

Customer: “No! I’m on to your tricks!”

Me: “Ma’am, I need to look up your file so I can figure out what the problem is.”

Customer: “No, you don’t! I know your sly ways. You’re just going to change my file so you can cover up your mistake!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have that ability. I’d like to help give you the proper medication. Can you please tell me your name?”

Customer: “No! You’re going to change the names of the medications on my chart to hide your screwup!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, can you come back to the store so I can verify the wrong pills were given?”

Customer: “No! I’m holding onto this bottle! It’s evidence!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t change any ‘evidence,’ since you have a printed label on the bottle. Can you tell me the name of the medication?”

Customer: “No! Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not telling you anything!”

Me: *Sigh* “Okay, ma’am, if you won’t let me see your file or the pills, and you won’t bring it back, then what would you like me to do?”

Customer: “I want you to know that you’re a horrible pharmacy. And you are a terrible person!”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m trying to help—”

Customer: “No, you are an awful person! You don’t deserve to be in business, trying to poison me with the wrong pills!”

Me: “Well, can you describe them to me? Are they white? Oval?”

Customer: “I’m not telling! You are a bad person!”

Me: “Ma’am, I would really like to help you, if you could give me some informati—”

Customer: “No, you don’t! Shame on you for trying to kill me and then hiding the evidence!”

She hung up.

A Pathological Need To Be Cautious
Australia, Current Events, Health & Body, Medical Office, New South Wales | Healthy | July 30, 2020
I finally have an in-person appointment with a psychologist after having several phone appointments during the global health crisis. The secretary calls me the day before to do what is now the usual health check.

Secretary: “Hello, [My Name], is now a good time to ask you a few questions before your appointment tomorrow with [Psychologist]?”

Me: “Yes, absolutely.”

Secretary: “Oh, great. Have you had any coughs, fevers, sore throat, or body aches and pains?”

Me: “No, to the cough, fever, and sore throat, but the body aches and pains are common with my fibromyalgia.”

Secretary: “That should be fine. Have you been overseas or in Victoria in the last fourteen days?”

Me: “No.”

Secretary: “Okay, and have you been in contact with anyone who could have [spreading illness] recently?”

Me: “I work in a pathology lab.”

Secretary: “Oh. Um… I don’t know what to say to that.”

She laughs awkwardly.

Me: “I was tested a week ago and I was clear. But I also appreciate it if you don’t want me in the building; I can have a phone appointment again.”

Secretary: “Um, do you mind if I go and ask?”

Me: “Go for it. Just call me back. This isn’t the first time I have flustered people.”

Secretary: “Thank you for being so understanding! I will call you back soon.”

Me: “All good.”

They are going to let me in.

Did… Did It Work?
Bizarre, Current Events, Doctor/Physician, Malaysia, Religion, Silly | Healthy | March 14, 2021
This is a story my colleague told me about his uncle. His uncle is rather superstitious and believes in a lot of weird things. When he tests positive for a certain rapidly spreading illness, his first reaction is to go to a bomoh — Malaysian witch-doctor — for an exorcism. For various reasons, my colleague is stuck accompanying his uncle to the bomoh.

Bomoh: “Okay, I can exorcise you. Hold still, please.”

Uncle: “Okay.”

Bomoh: “Begone, evil spirits!”

He pulls out a toy laser gun and points it at [Uncle]’s head.

Bomoh: “All-laaah!”

Typing this out does not give it justice. The way my colleague repeated it, it sounded like a mix of singsong, bombastic, and high.

He pulls the trigger and the gun lights up.

Bomoh: “Fire, fire, fire! Pew, pew, pew! Fire, fire, fire!”

My colleague’s jaw drops, [Uncle]’s jaw drops, and they sit there, stunned.

Bomoh: “Not enough? Okay. Duaaal wieeld!”

He says that last bit the same way he said, “Allah!” previously.

He pulls out another toy gun and fires it at [Uncle].

My colleague didn’t tell me what happens next, but when the exorcism is over…

Uncle: “Uh, maybe we should go to the hospital.”

Colleague: “You think?”

Once he finished his quarantine, my colleague returned to work and told me all about it.

Colleague: “Like, the man was hip. I didn’t think that bomohs were so advanced these days.”

Me: “He sounded like he was high on something.”

Colleague: “Oh, he probably was. But that was just silly, man.”