We Need Rubber Glove Balloons! STAT!
Hospital, Impossible Demands, Nurses, USA | Healthy | January 8, 2022
After graduating college, I thought I was lucky enough to get a management position with a company on the Forbes 500 list. In all honesty, I am just a glorified dispatcher handling one of the departments in one of the hospitals in the inner city of a very old, old historic city.

In most hospitals, there is something called a priority list: who goes first in any situation. Number one priority are intensive care patients, codes, STATs, and traumas. Next is operating room patients, special procedures, people going to XRAY, Cat Scan, etc. On the very bottom is equipment — things like the pumps used to give people an IV.

Our primary customer is the hospital. We live and breathe to serve the hospital.

Here is a REAL conversation I had with one of the hospital personnel. I have MANY conversations like this daily.

Nurse: “Hello, I am calling from [Unit]. We called for some equipment an hour ago.”

Me: “Yes, I am sorry for the wait, but we currently do not have anyone available to bring that equipment up. As soon as we do, I will make sure it gets to you.”

Nurse: “Well, why is no one available?”

Me: “They are handling other patients in the hospital.”

Nurse: “My equipment is more important.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but the hospital has strict priority standards that we have to stick to.”

Nurse: “Yes, but this equipment is for a patient.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that, but unfortunately, we have had several ICU patients that have had to go down to testing units. In fact, we just received a call for a STAT (very important) ICU to go down for an emergency test for complications.”

Nurse: “Well, equipment should come before anything, as it is for a patient. This is a problem; it needs to change. I want to complain!”

Me: “If I am understanding you correctly, ma’am, you would like things such as a wheelchair, a stretcher, or a pump to come before a patient that is profusely bleeding?”

Nurse: “Yes! The equipment is for the patient. It’s just as important!”

Me: *In disbelief* “Well, I would like to apologize again for the wait, but we will get the equipment up to you as soon as we are able to. Goodbye.” *Click*

Isn’t it nice to know that the next person taking care of you could be this nurse who values an inanimate object over getting you down to a testing procedure that could save your life?

Sometimes I wonder what was worse: retail or hospital customer service.

At Least They’ll Probably Wear Their Mask
Current Events, Dentist, Health & Body, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 5, 2022
It’s the middle of the health crisis, and everyone is still on edge about infection control protocols. We assure everyone that we have hospital-level infection control and take it very seriously. I’m the owner dentist, and occasionally, I listen in on calls to ensure patients are being helped. This is a call I listened to.

Office Manager: “Thank you for calling [Dental Office]. How can we help you?”

Patient: “This is [Patient]. I want to know what you guys are doing for infection control. I don’t want to get the [disease].”

Office Manager: “We have eliminated our waiting room, and you wait in your car until your appointment. We also have a strict mask policy until in the dental, as well as a hydrogen peroxide rinse before we work on you.”

Patient: “What about barriers?”

Office Manager: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “Do you have those plastic plexiglass barriers set up in between the patients?”

Office Manager: “Between each patient chair? No, we don’t—”

Patient: “What is wrong with you?! Haven’t you seen how even the grocery stores have those barriers to protect the customers? If I am getting my teeth cleaned, my mouth is completely open! You need to install plastic barriers between the chairs! What if another patient is next to me and has the [disease]? You need to have us separated!”

Office Manager: “[Patient], we have walls. Actual, real walls. All of the chairs are in separate rooms. With walls. And doors. Doors that close.”

Patient: “…”

Office Manager: “[Patient], you have been coming to us for ten years. The layout has never changed…”

Patient: “I still think you should put up the plastic barriers!” *Click*

I have no idea if the patient was just hotly embarrassed or genuinely thought we should replace our solid walls — and enclosed rooms — with plexiglass ones that are open on the tops and sides.

This Feels Super Illegal
Australia, Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Liars/Scammers, Medical Office | Healthy | December 31, 2021
This is my great aunt’s story, from before the age of computers. Her regular doctor retired and a new one took his place. On her first visit to him, he diagnosed her with an illness and referred her to a specialist that he knew. He had to hand-write the referral and left the room to do so, returning a short while later with it in a sealed envelope.

Doctor: “Give this only to [Specialist].”

[Great Aunt]’s old doctor always wrote referring letters in front of her, he never sealed the envelopes, and the letters were usually handed to the receptionist.

[Great Aunt] was suspicious, so she steamed the envelope open to read it as soon as she got home. The note basically said that she didn’t have the illness he had diagnosed and also stated why he referred her.

Note: “This old lady is loaded; milk her for all she’s worth.”

Are You Planning On Putting That Insulin In Your Ear?
Hospital, Impossible Demands, Massachusetts, Patients, USA | Healthy | December 27, 2021
I’m in the ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) department in the local hospital, waiting for an appointment with many other people. A woman’s name is called; she’s an older woman in a wheelchair, accompanied by her two daughters, who checked in just before me.

A woman with a cane follows them out of the waiting room, which seems odd because I haven’t seen her with them at all.

The nurse asks the woman with the cane if she’s with the patient whose name was called.

Woman: “No, I need insulin. Can you give me insulin?”

Nurse: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t have insulin here. You’d have to go to the ER.”

Woman: “I don’t want to; I’m here. I just need insulin.”

Nurse: “This is the ENT clinic. We don’t have insulin here. You need to go to the ER if you need insulin right now.”

Woman: “It’s too far!”

It’s in another wing of the hospital. If you use a cane, maybe it’s too far.

Woman: “I have an appointment here. I just need insulin.”

Nurse: “We really don’t have any insulin.”

Woman: “If I have to go to the ER to get it, it’ll be your fault I’m late for my appointment!”

Nurse: “Appointment?”

Woman: “Yes, I have an appointment with [Ear Doctor] in twenty minutes!”

She did end up leaving, I assume to go elsewhere for insulin. She wasn’t back by the time my name was called! I’m not sure if she thought the ear doctor is a one-stop-shop for all your medical needs?

Strange Visions Of This Working Out
Impossible Demands, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Stupid, Sweden | Healthy | December 24, 2021
I work as an optometrist. One of my coworkers snags me when I’m briefly leaving my room.

Coworker: “Hey, can you sign this prescription for me real quick?”

A signature is required in order for the prescription to be valid.

Me: “Yeah, sure thi— Wait. This says [date roughly ten years back].”

Coworker: “Wait, what?”

It’s an easy mistake if you only glance quickly before you print it. He takes back the paper, checks the date again, and heads back to the counter where a man is waiting.

Coworker: “It seems your last exam here was about ten years ago. This prescription is no longer valid. I’m sorry, but—”

Man: *Interrupting* “What do you mean? You can’t know what [the Swedish military] accepts! Just give me the prescription!”

He goes on a rant about how we can’t know, we should just sign it and let him try, etc. I smell a major nuisance, so I head over and get involved in order to spare my poor unprepared coworker.

Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s way out of date. Prescriptions are only valid for a year; there is absolutely no way they will accept this.”

Man: “Well, you don’t know that! They might accept it!”

Me: “Sorry, but no. Someone’s vision can change a lot even in just, say, two years, in terms of what correction they need and how they see with and without glasses. Ten years is way too much for me to sign—”

Man: “It hasn’t changed! You could at least let me try! You don’t know; they might accept it!”

Me: “I can guarantee they won’t. We could still book a new exam for you—”

Man: “But I just did an exam in another shop this summer. My vision hadn’t even changed!”

Okay, genius, then what in the entire world are you doing in OUR shop? Where you haven’t been for roughly ten years, mind you?

Me: “Which shop was that?”

Man: “Well, I don’t remember that! My vision hadn’t changed!”

Me: “Well, there’s no way for us to know that without a new exam. Maybe your best option is to figure out where your last exam was and ask them—”

Man: “Oh, come on. Seriously? Just give it to me! You don’t know if they accept it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is no longer legally valid. I can’t sign it. They won’t accept it.”

And this is where the man finally swore under his breath, did a full 180, and stomped out of the shop muttering about how awful we were. I just exchanged incredulous looks of get-a-load-of-this-guy with my equally confused coworkers.

Dude. I may not know the exact rules of the military, but I can guarantee you that the first thing their guidelines say about prescriptions and vision certificates is, “Must be less than a year old.” We are merely saving you from a waste of time.

Also, I am quite proud of my incredible restraint in not pointing out that the last time he did an exam with us, I, now a fully licensed optometrist, was literally still in elementary school. I wonder if that would’ve given him some perspective.

There Is Nothing Like A Nurse
Funny, Hospital, Nurses, Oklahoma, Patients, Silly, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | December 20, 2021
I’m a generally agreeable person but I can tell you that hospital visits generally put people a bit on their bad side. I’m actually amazed at the patience of the nurses and other personnel. I’m writing this during my second trip to the hospital via ER in three weeks.

The first time, I called 911 at 1:00 AM and then called my daughter to lock up my house and take care of my dog. The last thing I remember was blacking out in the ambulance. I was given Propofol, a sedative, and only remember some brief discussion and cutting off my shirt.

I woke about thirty-six hours later, a little disoriented, of course. I had pneumonia. A nurse gave some instructions. Then, a short bit later, another nurse came in to do something… nursey… and then she looked over why I’m there.

Nurse #1 : “Oh, you’re the guy!”

Me: “I’m what guy?”

Nurse #1 : “Well, I heard there was someone on this side of the ICU that ripped out of his restraints and removed his own breathing tube. Nobody’s ever done that before.”

Me: “I did?”

Nurse #1 : “Yes. Apparently, you were ranting about being kidnapped. A doctor talked you down and you passed out again.”

A few days later, I did notice bruises on my hands that had to be caused by my Hulk routine. Over the next few days, though, I found nurses coming to my room and lingering. This seemed strange to me. Then, some nurse trainee (who was probably older than eighteen but looked sixteen or seventeen) was introduced to me. The other nurse left but she stuck around. We made a little small talk, and then I paused so she had the chance to go do her duties.

Trainee: “Can I stay here?”

Me: “Well, I guess. Don’t you have things to do?”

Trainee: “No. They don’t really give me much to do. I’m bored. Can I stay and talk?”

I figured, “Why not?” We chatted a while until she realized she couldn’t stay much longer. She bounced out of the room and down the hallway with a happy goodbye and more energy than I think I could ever muster in my entire life. Next day, one of the senior nurses was in my room and clearly not leaving and talking to me about… whatever.

Me: “Is it slow today?”

Nurse #2 : “Yeah, it’s a bit slower than normal for some reason.”

Me: *After a pause* “Are you hiding?”

Nurse #2 : *Blushing slightly* “Yes.”

Hospital visit number two, my daughter took me herself through the ER. My breathing capacity was probably a sixth of normal and I was suffering. But I simply cannot let go of my sense of humor.

Nurse #3 : *Cheerfully* “How are you tonight?”

Me: “Is that the best question to ask someone in the E.R?”

Nurse #3 : “Well, since you put it that way, I guess not.”

Me: “You realize I’m teasing you? It’s a good question. But to answer it properly, I can barely breathe. Otherwise, most of the rest of me is intact.”

I got my comeuppance. The next morning, a nurse come to do something else nursey. Everyone was in masks, so I didn’t recognize her at first.

Nurse #3 : “Hi. I’d ask how you’re doing, but someone last night told me I shouldn’t do that.”

When I realized who it was I blushed and laughed. I should mention that the staff at the hospital are all remarkably friendly and wonderful.

Finally, today, I was talking with my nurse. It’s clear I only need one more night here to work with a CPAP machine.

Me: “I think I’m being released tomorrow.”

Nurse #4 : “I hope not. I hope you’re here through Monday.”

I was thinking to myself, “Does he really think I need that much treatment? Do they want more money?” So, I just asked:

Me: “Why is that?”

Nurse #4 : “You’re an easy patient.”

At that point, through the walls, we heard the terrible wailing of another patient.

Me: “Great. So to get out of here earlier, I just have to be cranky?”

They are all great people… BUT I WANNA GO HOME!

We Hope That Emergency Wasn’t TOO Urgent
Australia, Australian Capital Territory, Bizarre, Canberra, Current Events, Emergency Services, Ignoring & Inattentive | Healthy | December 16, 2021
My neighbour was sitting watching his TV late in the evening when there was a very loud banging on his front door. Wondering who would be calling at this hour, he opened the door.

Standing there was a man wearing all the anti-[health crisis] gear; mask, scrubs, and a biohazard suit.

Man: “I’m [Man] from Social Services. We got your emergency call, and more help is on the way.”

My neighbour, not knowing what this was all about, looked at him blankly.

Man: “Come on! Let me in so I can start the treatment.”

My neighbour was still looking at him blankly.

Neighbour: “What are you talking about? I haven’t made an emergency call to anyone. No one here is sick. I don’t know who you are, so I’m not letting you in.”

The man was starting to get impatient.

Man: “We got an emergency call from here, [number] at [block of units].”

Neighbour: “You have the right number but the wrong complex. That block is down the road a bit further.”

Man: *Obviously shocked* “Oh, d***. I must have misread the number.”

He grabbed his phone and started talking quickly and loudly as he dashed off.

I hope he found the right person, but you would think that people doing that sort of job would have a better idea of where their clients live.

Throwing Out Terminology
Canada, Coworkers, Hospital, Patients, Wordplay | Healthy | December 12, 2021
I am working at the entrance of a hospital. My coworkers are sitting near our cart with supplies, and since there isn’t enough room, I’m sitting at a table just across the entryway from them. A patient comes down from a unit in rough shape, walking slowly, kind of hunched over and carrying a catheter bag.

After being there for a few minutes:

Patient: “Do you guys have a [mumble] bag?”

Coworkers: “A what bag?”

Patient: “An emesis bag.”

My coworkers are silent.

Me: *Blurting out* “Like to throw up!”

They moved pretty quickly after that.

They quickly grabbed her a bag from the cart, and then she staggered outside.

People who work in my position have a variety of backgrounds and don’t have to have training in medical terminology, especially since we do not provide any kind of patient care. I do have training in terminology, and I’m thankful I remembered what it meant! I’m also surprised the patient used the correct terminology! Hopefully, the patient recovers soon!

YOU Are Causing Me Stress!
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | December 8, 2021
Me: “I have been feeling very anxious for a year or so, and now it is seriously starting to interfere with my daily life.”

Doctor #1 : “It’s probably just stress. Let’s start you on this dose of [medication] and we’ll follow up in a couple of months.”

I continued to see him for a year or so, during which he only changed my dosage once and continued to brush off my symptoms as “stress”. Even if it was stress, I knew I was reacting in a way that wasn’t normal. Finally, I had an incident that caused me to black out. I went to the doctor again.

Me: “I’m really scared now, especially that this will happen again. I’ve been looking up my symptoms. Could it be possible that I have [condition]?”

Doctor #1 : “Probably not, and even if you decide to pursue a diagnosis, it will take years and a lot of invasive tests. You may not even get a positive diagnosis because it’s that hard to test for. However, if you want, you can find a specialist.”

I never made it to a specialist. I ended up having another incident that resulted in serious injuries and I was in the hospital for weeks. The one good thing is that I had access to other doctors, and after describing my symptoms, they were able to run some tests.

Doctor #2 : “We’ve concluded that your symptoms and accidents are caused by [condition I initially suspected].”

Me: “Really? My regular doctor said it would be virtually impossible to get that diagnosis!”

Doctor #2 : “He did? You have all the major hallmarks; in fact, the primary one you complained about is particular to this condition. I can even show you on one of the imaging tests where the problem in your body is. I can’t believe your original doctor went that long without upping your dosage or trying you on a different medication!”

Fortunately, my condition is now under control after a lot of trial and error with numerous medications. Part of me still wants to go back to my original doctor and rub it in his face.

Fever, Or Fission?
Doctor/Physician, Parents/Guardians, USA | Healthy | December 2, 2021
I am a doctor, and a frantic mother has run into my waiting area.

Patient’s Mother: “My son has really high fever!”

Me: “Did you check it?”

Patient’s Mother: “No, but it must have been 200 degrees at least!”

I really wanted to say “Ma’am, that’s not your son that’s a roast chicken.” The son turned out to be fine.

Good Thing You Had Another Basket To Put Your Eggs In
Baltimore, Doctor/Physician, Lazy/Unhelpful, Maryland, Non-Dialogue, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | November 27, 2021
We keep backyard chickens. One day, we find that our hen Emma has been savagely attacked — we believe by a raccoon — as she was brooding on her nest. Emma is a big chicken; she probably got the injury because she stood her ground and fought the raccoon rather than letting it have her eggs. And since two small Silkie hens have disappeared, presumed dead, we credit Emma with saving the lives of the other two hens that are still safe.

We take our war hero to a vet that we use a lot, not because we like them, but because they are close by, open twenty-four hours, and treat birds. Emma is indignant and unhappy and obviously in a lot of pain, but she is feisty and pretty energetic for a hen with a giant piece of flesh torn out of her backside.

Immediately, I start to see red flags. They warn me that Emma might have to be put down because, if she was bitten by a raccoon, she might have rabies. Chickens get rabies so rarely, I don’t believe it’s ever happened in the US; the CDC claims chickens can’t get it. Because they don’t have saliva, they can’t transmit it if they do get it. Then, they tell me that there is nothing they can do. They can’t stitch her up. They strongly recommend that we put her down because chickens don’t survive injuries like this. They tell me she is “dumpy” — meaning withdrawn and low energy, seen in dying birds but also in ones that are just in a lot of pain — and that she cannot recover from this.

I have seen many chickens die. Emma does not strike me as a dying chicken. My husband and I agree that we cannot leave Emma with this vet. They’re quoting me $1,400 for an overnight stay, which is bad enough, but they’re recommending euthanasia so strongly that they make me sign paperwork saying that I am refusing the recommended treatment against medical advice. We both feel that if the vet there feels so strongly in favor of euthanasia, Emma will not survive the night.

There’s another vet that takes birds forty-five minutes away from my house and they’re not open twenty-four-seven. I demand my bird back. She has had no treatment aside from her wound being washed. They give me antibiotics and painkillers to give her but they have not given her anything for pain or wound treatment themselves. And by the time they finally hand her over, it’s fifty minutes until the other vet closes.

I drive like a bat out of h*** to the other vet and show up minutes before closing. They check her in and take her back immediately for wound care and painkillers. After about half an hour, the vet comes to see me. He wants to do surgery on her in the morning. He says that chickens are one of the toughest birds out there and he’s seen chickens live through worse. And the cost of surgery and an overnight stay is going to be like $350.

Emma has a long and tedious recovery, penned in our house because other chickens will attack a bloody wound. We have to give her antibiotics and painkillers by hand for twenty days, and she has to go back three times for dressing changes and once for an additional surgery, but for a sum total of around $600, I end up with a healthy if cranky chicken whose feathers have grown back so you can’t even see her wound, who is still laying eggs despite the injury to her butt, and who is once again Top Bird in the pecking order around here.

I’m never taking a bird to the first vet again if I can help it.

One Form Fits All
Funny, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2021
I just gave birth, twelve hours ago, to a perfect baby girl. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, between walking and position changes, I managed to twist my knee. I didn’t care at the time; I just wanted to hold my daughter and sleep.

When I wake up in the morning, it’s swollen and painful, so they make arrangements for an X-ray and MRI.

The technician meets me with a wheelchair in my room, where my daughter is sleeping in her bassinet next to my bed. They confirm my name and date of birth and scan my bracelet.

Technician: “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

I point at my daughter and laugh.

Me: “Absolutely NONE!”

We Suppose This Might Be Problematic
Employees, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 19, 2021
A particular medication that I’ve needed for a while comes in several forms: injections, suppositories, and oral pills. I’ve been on all three varieties over the past few years. This scene happens as my doctor has just switched me from injections to pills and I go to fill the new prescription at the pharmacy for the first time.

The pharmacist hands me a bottle of what looks like large pills, but I review the instructions on the label before I leave and notice that something seems off, so I go back up to the counter to ask the pharmacist a question.

Me: “Excuse me, but the instructions on this medication say to ‘insert vaginally,’ and I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be on the oral form of this medication right now. The bottle you gave me looks like pills, not suppositories, so I’m guessing it’s just mislabeled, but I want to double-check that I got the right thing before I leave.”

The pharmacist answers in a condescending voice.

Pharmacist: “No, this medication is always a suppository. Don’t swallow it; insert it vaginally.”

Me: “But I was just at my doctor’s office yesterday and he told me I’d be getting an oral version of the med now. Right now I’m taking a version of this medication that’s an intramuscular injection, so I know it comes in multiple forms. Also, I’ve been on the suppositories in the past and they didn’t look anything like this. But this is my first time taking the oral version, so I’m not positive what it’s supposed to look like. Are you sure these aren’t pills that I’m supposed to swallow orally?”

Pharmacist: “No, just follow the instructions on the label and call your doctor if you have any questions.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this just doesn’t make sense to me, and these really look like pills, not suppositories. Can you please just double-check the prescription before I leave?”

The pharmacist rolls his eyes and snatches the meds out of my hand. He comes back a few minutes later.

Pharmacist: “Your doctor wrote the wrong thing down, but I called and checked and you’re supposed to be on pills, not the suppositories. Here’s the correct medication for you.”

Then, he handed me back the exact same bottle of pills with a different label with instructions to “swallow by mouth”. He never apologized or acknowledged his error in any way.

I simply thanked him and left, but I’m sure glad I pay attention and aren’t afraid to advocate for myself. Even if my doctor did write the wrong instructions on some form, isn’t it supposed to be the pharmacist’s job to catch errors like that? And how could he not tell the difference between pills and suppositories? They look nothing alike!

I still see that pharmacist every time I go to that store. I just hope he hasn’t hurt anyone else by messing up their meds too badly!

Literally Life-Threatening Levels Of Stupidity
Emergency Services, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy | November 15, 2021
I work at a hospital switchboard. An emergency services dispatcher has put a caller through who is looking for a patient and insists that they are with us. We have just established that they are not at our hospital.

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s not at this hospital. You need to call back the dispatcher to find out.”

Client: “What’s their number?”

Me: “9-1—”

Client: “Wait! Wait! Let me get a pen. Okay, go.”

Me: “9-1-1.”

Client: “9… 1… 1… Okay. So, do I put my area code in front of that?”

The Anticipation Is Usually Worse Than The Shot
Health & Body, High School, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, Students, UK | Healthy | November 10, 2021
In Year Eight, all the girls in my school had to have what we called the “cancer jab”, which was administered during school hours. Logically, I knew I needed this jab to vaccinate against something and that not having it would be bad, but emotionally, I was a wreck.

I’d never had a jab without my dad present before, and on the day of the jab, I found out they weren’t using the painkiller cream I was used to. Combined with a rather severe phobia of being “stabbed” by needles — thanks, egg donor — and the rumours going around about the pain and numb arms other students were experiencing, I was not exactly looking forward to my class being called for ours.

Eventually, the time came, and we were led to a room of the school we had never been in before. There was a row of chairs and nurses, and they were calling out names in alphabetical order, which meant yet more waiting because my name was in the middle. I was trying not to watch the others get their jabs and trying to convince myself that I was not going to freak out. I had it all sorted out in my head. I was going to sit in that chair, the jab would magically just happen without me freaking out, and then I could leave.

This plan fell apart the moment I sat down. The nurse had to ask me questions rather than psychically knowing I had this phobia and wanted to just be stabbed quickly so I could leave. I answered all the questions, albeit kind of curtly, despite not seeing the point in most of them. Like, I was twelve; of course I wasn’t pregnant. Why would you even ask that? In hindsight, I know that all the nurses were kind and professional and non-judgemental the whole time, but Kid Me didn’t understand that yet.

After what felt like an eternity, the nurse asked if I was ready for the jab. Nope, I am not ever going to be ready to be stabbed, thank you very much. This question pretty much started me spiralling into a meltdown. Most of what happened next was a big fuzz of panic in my memory until my best friend came over and held my hand. Her class was called sometime after mine and she walked over after getting her own jab, so I’d been here a while.

Another nurse came over and tried to talk to me, and the first stood quietly far too close, and my friend was trying to be reassuring, and I “knew” I was being watched by all of the other students and maybe the other nurses, even though I couldn’t focus on them to check if they were actually looking. It was all far too much, but at least I could vaguely see and hear by then, even if the time between hearing words and understanding what they meant was far too long. The nurses also occasionally spoke to my friend, but I couldn’t focus on what they were saying.

I kept getting asked if I wanted the jab and I kept choking out that this was very much the opposite of what I wanted but I knew I needed to have the jab, though nowhere near as eloquently. Eventually, the other nurse told me that they could not force me to have the jab, but if I didn’t have it, then they’d have to tell my dad that I’d refused it.

I did not want them to tell my dad. I was supposed to have this vaccine, so refusing it was a bad thing to do. I didn’t want my dad to know I was being bad because that would lead to lectures and not being allowed on the game consoles. So, I managed to pull myself together enough to stop rocking while one nurse held my arm still and my friend kept her grip on my hand. And then, while my eyes were squeezed shut and looking in the opposite direction, the other nurse administered the jab.

It didn’t hurt as much as it should have. I still felt it, so I know I had the jab. But it confused me because there was supposed to be so much more pain. I knew what needles felt like; I had memories as recently as five years earlier where the entire memory consisted of pain and hurt and dread and screams. This couldn’t be over yet. I kept asking the nurses if it was really done, and they were all reassuring smiles and sent me on my way.

Someone asked my friend to escort me to room F11. There were quite a few autistic kids in our school, so we had a couple of rooms just for us, and this was one of them. My friend was allowed in with me even though she usually wasn’t, and we just sat there together until I’d calmed down and then talked until the school day ended.

Thankfully, my general phobia of needles has lessened to the point where I haven’t freaked out this bad in years, though my phobia of the specific kind of needle the egg donor used is still bad enough that I cannot physically say what kind it was.

How To Insure Your Customers Never Come Back
Arizona, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Insurance, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2021
I have a long history of female issues and being precancerous. It has led to the need for a hysterectomy. I get all scheduled for surgery, and a few weeks prior, the doctor’s office calls me and informs me that my insurance will not cover my procedure until I “try” a medication that I have never heard of OR birth control… which I am supposed to take for three months.

This instantly amuses and irritates me. I am a forty-year-old female with three biological children. The youngest is almost fifteen. When I had her, I had a tubal ligation. For those that don’t speak medical… I got fixed. Therefore, I have been unable to have children for all of fifteen years now and I definitely don’t plan on having any more.

I reluctantly agree to the birth control, only because I have taken it once upon a time. My fiancé goes to pick up my birth control and, lo and behold, he is told that insurance will not authorize payment for it.

Let me get this straight: my insurance refuses to allow me to have a surgery that is medically necessary and is documented as such by more than one doctor. The insurance is making me take this medication in order to approve my surgery. But they are refusing to cover it. Did I get that right?

My insurance has gone downhill for the last few years but this takes the cake. When we get married in December, I will be leaving my insurance for my fiancé’s. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever witnessed. I know one day I’ll look back and laugh, but right now I’m still too angry to do so.

Has Your Brain Been Deprived Of Oxygen?
Current Events, Dentist, Impossible Demands, Medical Office, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 30, 2021
Receptionist: “Thank you for calling Dr. [My Name]’s office. How can I help you?”

Patient: “Hi. I really need Dr. [My Name] to write a medical exemption for my children.”

Receptionist: “I’m not sure if we can do that for you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I demand to speak to Dr. [My Name] right now!”

The receptionist pages me and I take the call.

Me: “This is Dr. [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Patient: “They are requiring masks in public schools for my children, and it’s affecting them horribly. This is a vital time for their development! They need oxygen and they are being deprived!”

Me: “I’m sorry, Ms. [Patient]. I am not capable of writing either of your children a medical exemption for masks.”

Patient: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because I’m a dentist. There are no dental reasons why you can’t wear a mask. Perhaps this is a conversation for your pediatrician?”

Patient: *Screaming* “I tried that! They told me my children didn’t have any medical problems!” *Click*

The patient called back a week later to schedule appointments for cleanings. Both children showed up… in masks.

Caught In A Really Annoying Drug Ring
Ignoring & Inattentive, Medication, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2021
My pharmacy sends out text messages as a reminder to order refills. You can answer “YES” to have the refill placed or “NO” to opt out. I don’t like the side effects of a certain medication, so my doctor switches me to a new medication.

Text Message: “REMINDER: Your medication [first three letters] is due for a refill. Reply YES to order a refill or NO to skip.”

Me: “No.”

Text Message: “You have opted out of refilling your medication [first three letters]. If this is an error, please contact [Pharmacy] at [phone number].”

Shortly after, my phone rings with the pharmacy number.

Me: “Hello?”

Pharmacy Tech #1 : “Hi there, this is [Pharmacy Tech #1 ] at [Pharmacy]. I’m calling in regards to your prescription for [medication #1 ].”

Me: “Yeah, I just cancelled it. The doctor—”

Pharmacy Tech #1 : “Oh, you really shouldn’t. We can go ahead and schedule a refill for you over the phone.”

Me: “No, the doctor said—”

Pharmacy Tech #1 : “You need to take your medication as prescribed by your doctor.”

Me: *With a point-blank tone* “And he prescribed switching to [medication #2 ].”

Pharmacy Tech #1 : “Oh.”

I hear the mouse clicking.

Pharmacy Tech #1 : “Thank you for your time.”

Ten minutes later, I receive another text.

Text Message: “REMINDER: Your medication [first three letters] is due for a refill. Reply YES to order a refill or NO to skip.”

This is the first medication again.

Me: “NO.”

Text Message: “You have opted out of refilling your medication [first three letters]. If this is an error, please contact [Pharmacy] at [phone number].”

My phone rings again. It’s the pharmacy … again.

Me: “Hello?”

Pharmacy Tech #2 : “Hi there, this is [Pharmacy Tech #2 ] at [Pharmacy]. I’m calling in regards to your prescription for [medication #1 ].”

Me: “My doctor switched me to [medication #2 ]. I just spoke with [Pharmacy Tech #1 ] and told him all about it.”

Pharmacy Tech #2 : “Um… Our system shows you’re due for a refill.”

Me: “I know, but I’m not.”

Pharmacy Tech #2 : “I don’t… um… you’re due. We need to schedule your refill.”

Me: “What do I have to do to get out of this loop? My doctor switched my medication. I am not filling [medication #1 ].”

Pharmacy Tech #2 : “But… you’re due.”

Me: “No, thank you. Please remove this medication from my file.”

Pharmacy Tech #2 : “Okay.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ten minutes later, I received a third text for the same medication. I didn’t answer that time and they didn’t call back. When I went to pick up [medication #2 ], both technicians were there but they didn’t say anything.

In For A Penny, In For Just Enough Pounds
Doctor/Physician, France, Medical Office, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | October 24, 2021
My grandmother can be pretty stubborn sometimes, and she can get worried about a lot of things. When her daughter, my mom, was just a kid — around seven years old, I think — she was worried because my mom was “too thin” and did not eat a lot of meat.

She went to the village doctor, who checked her weight.

Doctor: “Your daughter is fine; she’s in good health.”

Grandmother: “But she’s too thin!”

Doctor: “Okay, well, there’s a specialist from [Big City far away] coming into [Big City close to their village]. You can try going to see him.”

And that’s what she did. She managed to get an appointment and went to see this specialist. I can’t remember if he was a pediatrician or a nutritionist. He did some exams and came to the same conclusion as the doctor.

Specialist: “Your daughter is fine; she’s in good health.”

Grandmother: “But she’s too thin!”

Specialist: “Why does that bother you so much? Are you planning on selling her by weight?”

With that, my grandmother finally understood that she’d gone a little bit too far and stopped going to doctors for that. She sometimes tells this story, laughing about her stubbornness and the witty response of the doctor.

That’s Just Hysterical!
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Italy | Healthy | October 21, 2021
I’m relating my medical history to a doctor I’ve never seen before. He’s wrapped up the visit and is typing the report, and he’s already had two phone calls in the meanwhile.

Doctor: *Typing* “…and when did you have the hysterectomy?”

Me: “I don’t remember which year. It could have been… 2016, 2017. I’m not sure.”

Doctor: *Still typing* “Okay, I’ll put in 2016. But it was after the pregnancy, anyway, correct?”

Me: “I’m quite sure it was after the pregnancy, doc.”

Doctor: *Pauses* “Oh.”

It’s a hard time to be a doctor.

This Doctor’s Inability To Listen Is Nauseating
Doctor/Physician, Emergency Room, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Uruguay | Healthy | October 18, 2021
After I’ve complained about stomach pain for a few days, along with vomiting and nausea, my mom takes me to the ER.

Doctor: “Have you considered you might be pregnant?”

Mom: “Excuse you?”

The doctor turns away from my mom and takes my hands, moving her chair closer.

Doctor: “I know it may be hard to admit this in front of your mom, but you have to consider the chance that you might be having a child soon.”

She keeps on talking like that, giving me recommendations and numbers to call for help with teen pregnancy. My mom and I are looking at her in horror, until my mom can’t take it anymore and leaves the room.

Me: “Lady. I am, one, a fifteen-year-old virgin, and two, asexual, with a girlfriend. No. I am not pregnant. Can you let go of my hands and actually do some sort of exam now?”

Doctor: “Sweetie, things like this can happen by accident. Maybe your boyfriend and you were not—”

Before I got the chance to correct her, my mother came back into the room with a nurse, who told the doctor the head nurse was calling her. I ended up being seen by a different doctor, who sent me to do some actual exams. After a lot of different exams and many weeks of pain, whatever I had finally passed. We never knew what it was, but it was certainly not a child!

The Tantrum That Never Came And The Husband Who Stopped It
Awesome, Current Events, Jerk, North Carolina, Patients, Pharmacy, Spouses & Partners, USA | Healthy | October 15, 2021
It was 7:30, and I’d dropped into my local pharmacy in order to grab a prescription on the way home. I went back to the pharmacy counter and saw a woman hovering around the counter, wearing a mask, so I did as I always do and stayed a safe distance back to wait. She turned to me, immediately, and I realized I was in for something interesting, as she immediately asked me if I was there for a vaccine. I simply replied that I was there to pick up a prescription, and I could tell from the way she turned from me that she was trying to find someone to complain to. Her attitude radiated impatience and a little entitlement, so I was ready for fireworks.

After a moment, a man came around the corner and started talking to the woman; it turned out that he was her husband. He had been looking for something on the shelves and couldn’t find it but was going to check again since they were still waiting; she requested he stay at the counter because he was “better at talking” than she was. He told her to just call for him when the pharmacists got to them and headed back off to go find whatever it was he needed.

She then proceeded to start making “ugh” huffing noises, like she was scoffing at the wait already, but she did it so often there was hardly a second between her scoffing noises. It was like a mini-tantrum to herself. I don’t know how long they’d waited before I arrived, but I had only been there for maybe two minutes, and I’ve been to the pharmacy enough to know their wait times at the counter didn’t tend to be long if there wasn’t a line, so there was almost no way she’d been waiting more than a few minutes before I arrived, as the counter and back half were empty except for a car or two outside.

After another second, the head pharmacist/doctor in charge approached the counter to ask what they needed, and she called for her husband in a clipped tone before starting off anyway without waiting for him to get back to her.

Woman: “We’re here for our boosters.”

Doctor: *Not unkindly* “We don’t take walk-ins after 1:00 pm, and we don’t have appointments after 7:00.”

He could tell they didn’t have an appointment without having to ask, considering the hour, and his tone was mostly confused and a little concerned, like maybe they’d managed to book an appointment anyway and he was about to have to deal with a massive system issue. He was clearly anticipating fallout, either way. The woman opened her mouth, and I could hear the complaint starting in her throat through the half-second of tone she got out.

Then, her husband cut her off, emphatically and in a volume and tone that were almost teacher-voice-like.

Husband: “No. He is telling us what he can and cannot do.”

He then turned to the pharmacist and, in a pleasant tone, asked again about walk-in times so he knew when best to come back. The pharmacist walked him through using the app to make an appointment and clarified what vaccine they needed the booster for. The husband seemed almost pointedly pleasant when he talked, like he was making a point to his wife about how you talk to people when you can’t get your way. She didn’t say anything else except to ask what vaccine they had because, apparently, another of the same pharmacy carried the other kind, and when they left, they left quietly and with no further tantrums.

Read Between The Lines
Awesome, Ignoring & Inattentive, Inspirational, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | October 10, 2021
It is against the law to prescribe medications to a pet that has not been examined by the doctor. I’m one of the more senior technicians at the clinic and have just clocked in for the swing shift when one of the doctors comes up to me and hands me a bottle of liquid medicine and a dispenser.

Doctor: “I’m so glad you’re here. In the lobby is a Mrs. [Pet Owner]. Some jerk left a cardboard box with a litter of eight puppies on her driveway last night. She can barely afford her one dog, much less eight, so she was going to take them to the shelter today, but overnight they started having diarrhea, and we all know what the local shelter does to sick puppies. So, she has called ahead and gotten prices and she decided she can afford an exam and a puppy diarrhea panel for two of the puppies. We had her just bring in one puppy so that she would still have money for treating it. [New Hire] was helping me with this one, but I don’t think she is ready to do this kind of discharge talk. Can you do it?”

Me: “Sure, what am I telling her?”

Doctor: “Let her know the puppy has [parasite], and it is incredibly unlikely that the rest of the litter doesn’t. So for his size, he’ll need 1mL of this every day for three days. We’re sending her 30mLs; the extra is for spillage. You understand exactly what I mean by ‘spillage’?”

Me: “You really have to ask?”

I go up to the lobby and put the charges in the computer and call the owner up to the counter.

Me: “Good news! It isn’t parvo. It is [parasite] and that is easy to treat. The rest of the litter likely has it as well, so we don’t need to do the tests on them. You just have to give this liquid once a day for three days.”

I demonstrate how to use the dispenser to measure the dose.

Owner: “Oh, that is great. So, how much is it?”

I tell her the price and her face falls.

Owner: “Oh, dear. That is a very expensive medication.”

Me: “Not really. You see, you only need to give him 1mL a day, and we are sending home quite a bit more than that so if you accidentally spill some you still have plenty.”

Owner: “I don’t think I could possibly spill that much. Can you send home less? I need to save up to bring the others in to get exams and medication for them.”

Me: “Well, yes, we do need to do exams on the other puppies in order to send home any medication with their names on it, but we want to make absolutely sure that, no matter what, this little guy has plenty. Just in case you drop some, or it sticks to the side of the dispenser.”

Owner: “But I won’t drop any, and I really doubt that much is going to stick to the dispenser.”

Me: “We are sending you extra so that if you accidentally grab the wrong puppy and give one of his siblings a dose instead, you will still have plenty of medication.”

Owner: “Oh, no, he has very different markings from the rest; I wouldn’t make that mistake.”

Me: “I really don’t know how else I can explain this. Um…”

Owner: “Explain what?! That you think I’m a clumsy idiot that will waste more of the medication than I actually use?!”

Another client who is waiting in the lobby comes up to the counter.

Man: “Excuse me, miss. I couldn’t help but overhear. Am I allowed to say what I think you are not allowed to say?”

Me: “Sir, as long as you aren’t threatening or being vulgar, I am not legally required to stop you from saying anything.”

Man: “Excellent!” *Turns to the puppies’ owner* “You said you have other dogs, right? They are sending you enough medicine for all of them, but legally, they can’t say that is what they are doing. So, pay for the medication, take it home, and ‘spill’ it down the other dogs’ throats. I’m assuming they are all the same size and therefore should get the same dose.” *Turns back to me* “That’s right, right?”

Me: “Nobody who works here would ever tell you to administer medication to an animal it was not prescribed to. That would be illegal. But yes, if we were to send home medication for the other puppies, they would be getting the same dose.”

Owner: “Oh, wow. Oh, gosh, thank you so much. I’m going to write a review telling everyone how awesome you are to do this for me.”

Man: “NO, YOU ARE NOT! They are bending the law pretty far for you and your dogs. You can talk about how nice they are, how caring the doctor was, and how they found a treatment plan within your budget, but you will most certainly not say anything about them sending home medication for an animal they didn’t examine.”

Owner: “Oh, right. That makes sense. Thank you all so much!” *Pays and leaves*

Me: “Thanks for helping with that.”

Man: “Not a problem. I didn’t want the poor dogs to suffer from foolish human disease.”

The puppies all recovered and we helped the owner find good homes for all of them. We still see the six that stayed in the area regularly for vaccines and checkups.

No Pain, No Gain
Dentist, France, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | October 1, 2021
I’m a dentist. Sometimes we can’t fix teeth without extractions. When that happens and there’s no other viable option, we make prosthetics for the patients — basically dentures. It’s never a perfect option, but in the vast majority of cases, the patients are happy with them after a necessary touch-up and around two weeks of wear to get accustomed to their new prosthetics. You absolutely NEED to bear the discomfort for those two weeks if you ever want to get used to them.

I have this conversation on a weekly basis.

A patient calls in two weeks after being given the dentures.

Patient: “Those dentures don’t fit me. I can’t eat/talk/do backflips with them, and they hurt.”

Me: “Pain is normal during the first few weeks; I’ll fix that for you. How long did you wear them for?”

Patient: “I could only handle three hours!”

Me: “Yeah, I might see why they don’t seem to work…”

Hospitals Are The Coolest Place To Hang Out!
Alberta, Canada, Current Events, Hospital, Impossible Demands | Healthy | September 29, 2021
I work at one of the main hospitals in the city, and I rotate between different entrances. Hospitals have been very strict with who they allow into the hospital since the health crisis, with only patients and select visitors being permitted. There are many people who try to come into the hospital despite not being a patient or knowing a patient who has been admitted, and a lot of my job involves calling the main switchboard and various units to ensure random people aren’t just wandering around and that people actually have someone they are going to visit.

One day, a visitor comes in.

Visitor: “I’m here to visit my grandmother.”

Me: “Can I have the spelling of her name, please?”

Visitor: “[Male First Name], uhh… [Last Name]?”

I call the main switchboard to see if they can locate the patient, and sure enough, they can’t find anyone under that name.

I report back to the visitor.

Visitor: “Oh, I have this friend here, [Male Name], and he’s in a wheelchair. You know him?”

This hospital has almost 1,000 beds, and I’m not exactly on a first-name basis with patients!

I asked for the spelling of their name, and… they couldn’t tell me. I informed the visitor that they needed the correct spelling of any patient’s first and last name in order to visit. The patient wandered out the door. This happens at least once a shift.

Be Proactive; Doctors Can’t Fix Dead
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, France, Grandparents, Home | Healthy | September 27, 2021
My grandmother told me this story that happened to her some years ago. She was sick for a few days. But she is the type of person that says, “It’s nothing. I’m not going to bother the doctor for so little. It will go away,” and waits until she can barely walk.

One day, she was laying in bed, trying to rest, when she realized that she should call the doctor. She called the office and got to speak to the doctor. This doctor saw my grandmother pregnant with my mother, my mother pregnant with me, and me reaching my twenties, so he knows our family pretty well.

Grandmother: “Hello, I’m Mrs. [Grandmother]. I’m not feeling really well, and…”

And at that point, she collapsed. She fell to the ground and woke up some minutes later. She was confused and did not remember calling the doctor at all, so she went back to bed.

Fifteen minutes later, she heard some loud banging on the door. She ran to the door and was really surprised to see the doctor.

Grandmother: “What are you doing here?”

Doctor: “You called me! And then you stopped talking and I heard you falling on the ground. You were not answering, so I jumped in my car!”

My grandmother was obviously really grateful, and the doctor did some checks and prescribed some medicine. I think he lectured her a little bit on her stubbornness, too.

My grandmother made a full recovery.

Have A Heart, Not A Fake Heart Attack
England, Liars/Scammers, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | September 25, 2021
We have a non-emergency centre in our city; anyone can walk up and be seen, but after a certain time, it isn’t fully staffed. Then, you have to call them first and they will confirm whether they can see you there or refer you to the nearby emergency centre at the hospital. Or, they just tell you to take it up with your general doctor.

There are no costs or waiting times, and it’s clear on the website and signs are plastered over the centre, yet people still don’t get it.

I call ahead and ask to come in. As I walk the path, a couple is having a conversation in hushed tones.

Woman: “You are not listening; they won’t see you.”

Man: “No, but when we get there, I will pretend to have chest pains. They can’t refuse to see me then!”

Woman: “Oh, good idea.”

I follow them to the door. The man immediately grabs his chest and staggers to a nearby bench, draping himself over it like a Renaissance painting. The woman presses the intercom.

Intercom: “Did you ring ahead?”

Woman: “No, but my husband is having chest pains.”

Intercom: “Is it bad? Is he having any problems breathing, confusion?”

Woman: “Well, yes, a little.”

Intercom: “Okay. I will call an ambulance. Stay there and someone will come out in a second.”

Woman: “No, no no, it’s not really that bad.”

Intercom: “No, is he having issues breathing?”

Woman: “Err, no. But his foot hurts. He dropped something on it earlier.”

Intercom: *Sighs* “If it is only his foot, he needs to call the number and they will assess him.”

Woman: “But his foot really does hurt.”

Intercom: “And if you ring the number, someone will talk it through with him.”

The woman says something quietly.

Intercom: “Call the number like everyone else has. There is a queue of people that need our help and you are stopping us from helping them.”

Woman: “He needs help! We are not leaving this spot.”

Intercom: “Call the number. They will diagnose you; it isn’t urgent so you can do that. If you refuse to move, you will be arrested.”

The woman went back to her husband, who miraculously stopped clutching his chest, and they walked off. He didn’t even have a limp.

To Be Fair, They’re Very Different Kinds Of Needles
Funny, Hypocrisy, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | September 23, 2021
In the early 2000s, while waiting for my doctor’s appointment, I witnessed this incident.

Another patient, a woman in her twenties, came out from the back exam area with a nurse. The patient was wearing a common and trendy outfit of low-rise sweatpants and a crop tank top.

The nurse handed the patient her paperwork.

Nurse: “You need to make a follow-up appointment for [number] weeks. The receptionist can help you if you want to do it now.”

As she grabbed her paperwork, the patient responded:

Patient: “Ugh! Do I have to? I hate needles.”

The patient then walked quickly out of the office. As she did so, I could see that among the small collection of tattoos she had was a trendy one on her tailbone. The nurse looked bemused but unsurprised and returned to the back. I managed to mind my manners and not laugh or giggle.

1 Thumbs
282

78


It Takes A Village… Minus That Nurse
Hawaii, Honolulu, Jerk, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 21, 2021
My husband and I had been trying for another baby for a few months when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I called the OBGYN office and booked my first appointment, expecting it to be like the first appointments for my other two children where we previously lived: a physical exam, listening to the heartbeat on an in-office Doppler machine, addressing any concerns that might be revealed in the exam, and some counseling about healthy habits during pregnancy.

However, the appointment turned out to be just confirming the pregnancy, using the exact same sort of urine test you can buy in dollar stores (which I’d done at home). I wasn’t able to get an appointment to be seen for an exam until several weeks later, too late for any early genetic testing; it’s lucky I wasn’t planning to have those, given my family and personal history.

And for extra fun, when I gave the nurse my urine sample (in a paper towel-wrapped cup), she took it, stared at my two- and four-year-old, sighed, and asked with disdain, “If this comes back positive, are you keeping it?”

The office didn’t offer abortion services. Why would I have come if I were seeking that? If they had to ask about my plans for pregnancy, why do it so bluntly, and with the impression that three is too many kids for someone to have? It set the tone for all the rest of the pregnancy visits, wherein I was treated like a nuisance and a hassle. I was very happy to move in the eighth month of pregnancy and have my third child in a more welcoming environment — one which includes a few childfree-by-choice aunts and uncles who said I could have an extra child or two in their place.

Her Attitude Is A Real Shot In The Arm
Current Events, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 19, 2021
I’m visiting my doctor for a checkup about a week after my booster shot. The nurse is taking my vitals.

Nurse: “So, how was your shot?”

Me: “A little sore when I lift my arm, but otherwise, nothing, really.”

Nurse: “Most people get knocked out for a day or two.”

Me: “Yeah, I thought I would, but I feel fine.”

Nurse: “You know, when you get sick after a vaccine, that means your body is building immunity. So, if you didn’t feel anything, you probably didn’t get anything.”

Me: “But—”

Nurse: “There are stories about people injecting with water and all kinds of stuff.”

Me: “I don’t—”

Nurse: “You should look into one of those tests to see if it worked.”

Me: “No, I—”

Nurse: “You should! If I got a shot and it didn’t do anything for me, I’d sue!” *Pauses* “Your pulse is high. Are you okay?”

Me: “You gave me my shot.”

The nurse sits in silence for a moment, embarrassed.

Nurse: “Well… not here, obviously… I mean, people here don’t… I was just… uh… The doctor will be in to see you shortly.”

She left without another word. The doctor came in and assured me that their shots are the real deal and that just because I didn’t feel anything it doesn’t mean I’m not covered.

Open Mouth, Insert Anesthetized Foot
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Hypocrisy, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | September 17, 2021
I have suffered two bad ingrown toenails, one on each big toe. The first was handled by my general practitioner with general anesthesia. I didn’t know better at the time, but this was serious overkill. I got the whole hospital gown and recovery room treatment. When my other toe needed the same treatment, I went to a podiatrist. I told him the story of my first toe.

Podiatrist: “Well, that’s a GP for you; they don’t know how to anesthetize a toe. Well, let’s get you all fixed up.”

At that point, he zaps my toe and we wait a bit. He starts to touch my toe with the scalpel.

Me: “Um, I can feel that.”

Podiatrist: “What? That should be completely numb by now.”

Wonderful. It turns out that I’m one of the very few people whose nerve for the tip of their toe grows on the opposite side of the toe. He got me properly numbed, but I still laugh at the irony of him fussing that my previous doctor couldn’t properly numb my toe.

Cast A Spell Of Screaming
Bad Behavior, Children, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, School, USA, Washington | Healthy | September 15, 2021
When my brother is in elementary school, he falls off the monkey bars and sprains his wrist pretty badly. My brother has a ridiculous pain tolerance and is screaming his head off, so there is worry that it is a break.

At the time, we only have one car, which is with my dad, who isn’t currently available. My mom calls a family friend to get my brother so they can get to the doctor and off they go. She doesn’t call my dad because she is in a rush and is planning on doing it when they get to the doctor, so my dad follows his regular routine and starts to head home. He happens to run into another family friend who knows what’s happened.

Family Friend: “Hey, have you talked to [Mom] yet?”

Dad: “Uh, I don’t think so. Why?”

Family Friend: “Oh, well, [Brother] fell and may have broken his wrist. I think she took him to [Urgent Care Office].”

Of course, my dad heads straight there and asks to be let in, but the front desk nurse won’t let him back. I’m not sure exactly why because most of the staff there know our family, so the only thing I can think of is that she is new and doesn’t know him. My mom hears the commotion and comes out and confirms he’s okay, and then they go back in to find that my brother’s wrist is not broken but sprained. The doctor splints the wrist and tells my brother to stay off the monkey bars for a few days and sends them home.

The next day, my brother comes home from school and my mom asks him about his wrist.

Brother: “It really hurts, Mom.”

He shows her his wrist and now there’s some very distinctive bruising.

Mom: “Come on. Let’s go back to the doctor.”

This time, my dad is home so they all go off to the clinic. They walk in and the nurse at the counter frowns as they come in.

Nurse: “Weren’t you just here?”

Mom: *Sigh* “Yes, but this time, it’s actually broken.”

While there isn’t any hesitation in getting things taken care of, there are other bills we are dealing with and an extra medical visit is not something we need right now.

Nurse: “Oh. Well, let me just put this in as a follow-up, okay?”

Mom: “Oh, you’re my new best friend!”

They go back and the doctor confirms that it is indeed broken this time.

Doctor: “I thought I told you to stay off the monkey bars?”

Brother: “I did! I was hanging on the single bars with my good arm and it was wet so I fell.”

Every adult in the room face-palms. I’ll give my brother one thing: he certainly is very good at not-quite malicious compliance.

Doctor: “Let’s get a cast on this, and then you need to stay away from all types of bars or hanging equipment for a while, okay?”

They splinted things and my brother got his cast. To this day, my mom thinks that the reason my brother was screaming so bad initially was that he really wanted a cast, and while he wouldn’t necessarily have gone out and purposely said, “Hey, let’s see what happens when I fall again!”, he still wanted that cast.

These Responses Aren’t Coming Out Of Left Field
Doctor/Physician, Emergency Room, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 13, 2021
In high school, I break my left arm. I’m taken to the emergency room.

Nurse #1 : “At least it’s your left arm!”

Me: *Crying* “I’m left-handed!”

Nurse #2 : “At least it’s your left!”

Me: “Left-handed…”

Doctor: “At least—”

Me: *Bawling* “I’m left-handed, God d*** it!”

School was not much better.

If You Can’t Control It, Own It
Bizarre, Funny, Health & Body, Office, UK | Healthy | September 11, 2021
I am sensitive. By this, I mean that my skin is sensitive, my digestive system is sensitive, my sense of smell is sensitive, and my eyes are sensitive. A strong smell, bright lights, a change of weather, high winds, changing temperatures, pollen — all cause a reaction of some sort. It’s like hay fever, seasonal eczema, and something else all wrapped in one and antihistamines do nada.

I’ve only been working in this office for about a month and I’ve been fairly reaction-free. Then, a change in weather plus the construction site burning something acrid results in my eyes swelling and getting weepy and my skin peeling to the point of bleeding. I’m somewhat irritable due to being so uncomfortable.

Trainer: “You don’t have to tell me — it’s entirely your own business and it clearly doesn’t interfere with your working — but I’m nosy. What do you have that causes these reactions?”

Me: “LBS.”

Trainer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Little B**** Syndrome. My body just reacts to everything that isn’t basic as f***. Doctors don’t know why, so I’ve decided that my body is just an oversensitive little b****.”

This Doctor Knows All About “Cold”
Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | September 9, 2021
I’m twenty-three and I’m working in the UK for a year. English is not my first language, but I know enough to work in an English-speaking company so it’s not too bad.

One day, while I’m at work, I start feeling bad — fever, sore throat, coughing, etc. Since I am only here for a year, I did not think about registering with a general doctor, so I was not sure where to go to get seen by a doctor. My manager told me about “walk-in centers” where you can go without appointments.

I check out of work, take a taxi, and manage to get to one of these centers. I wait for some time and then get to see a doctor.

I’m kind of shy and new situations can stress me a lot. I’ve never been to a doctor on my own at this point since my parents always had to drive me to the doctor’s office, and I had the same doctor from the time I was born.

I enter the doctor’s room. He barely looks at me and does not invite me to take a seat or anything.

Doctor: “What’s your problem?”

Me: “I feel like I have a fever and I feel pain in my throat.”

Doctor: “Okay, well, that’s a cold. What do you want me to do?”

I’m kind of shocked. In similar cases, my doctor always did the basic tests, like looking at my throat, measuring my temperature, making me breathe, etc. I try to insist.

Me: “Well, I just wanted to be sure it was just a cold.”

Doctor: “What could it be other than a cold?”

I’m thinking, “You’re the doctor; you’re the one supposed to know.” I try proposing an illness without knowing the English name — “angine” in French, which in English is called “Tonsillitis”.

Me: “Well, I really don’t know… It could be an angina? I’m sorry, I’m not sure of the English name.”

Doctor: “Nope, angina is a cardiac illness.”

Me: “Well, like I said, I’m not sure of what it’s called in English.”

He does not try to understand or do any tests. He just asks for my age and then says, in a very condescending way:

Doctor: “Well, you’re twenty-three years old and you never dealt with a cold before? Just get some paracetamol for three weeks. Goodbye.”

I went out of the center, and I almost cried out of stress and anger. I went home and called my parents, who helped me think and told me to go to a pharmacy to get a syrup for my throat. The syrup helped a lot — the weekend, too — and I recovered quickly.

I know this was a free consultation, I know doctors don’t have a lot of time allowed per patient, and I know the NHS has budget issues. But I was sick, living on my own in a foreign country, and just wanted to get something for the pain and to be reassured that it was just a cold.

Time To Block That Particular Vet
Money, Pets & Animals, South Carolina, USA, Vet | Healthy | September 7, 2021
This takes place during the beginnings of the 2020 health crisis, over a span of three months, from January to March. I have had my cat Linus since he was four months old and got him from a local rescue, meaning he was neutered when I got him. In 2020, he was five years old. I take him to his annual checkups and he has never had any issues.

One day, Linus starts acting funny. He’s making a cry I’ve never heard and looks like he’s searching for something. He keeps pawing at my clothes and a rag that I use for dusting. I watch as he squats in an attempt to pee on the rag. I quickly scoop him up and put him in his litter box. He tries to pee, but hardly anything comes out. I’m worried that he has a UTI, which in neutered males can cause a blockage and, as I found out later, they only have about seventy-two hours before they die if they are blocked.

I call my vet and explain what is happening to set up an appointment. I talk to a woman on the phone who I assume is a vet.

Vet: “If he is blocked, then there is nothing we can do except refer him to the ER where they can treat him. You should just go to the ER instead of wasting your money to come to us first and then to the ER.”

I do this, not knowing this will be the first act of many stressful moments over this three-month time period.

At the ER, they take a look at him and say that he is not blocked but simply has a UTI. They give me three or four types of medication (ranging from pill to liquid) and send me on my way. This first visit is about $200 to $300. After following the instructions carefully and fighting my bratty baby, he seems to get better. I keep an eye on his litter box, and while his urine clumps aren’t normal-sized, he seems to be peeing again.

One morning, I notice Linus is having trouble peeing again. I leave for work, but since I’m concerned, I leave early to take him to the ER again. They check him again, and again they say that he’s not blocked, just a UTI. The vet also tells me he possibly has FLUTD (Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease), which is more psychological than bacterial, where stress causes the cat to have UTI symptoms. Again, I am given the same medications, and this time I pay around $500 for this visit.

I follow the instructions for the medicine and Linus seems to get better, but then, a couple of weeks later, he is crying again either late at night. He is searching again for something soft to pee on. I take him to the ER again. They decide to hold him for a few hours for observation and testing. I’m exhausted and concerned. Unlike the previous two times, I can’t go into the ER waiting room because of the health crisis and they only do curbside. I head home until they call me to pick him up. Turns out he was a bit dehydrated and they gave him fluids. But they also say he’s not blocked. I believe I pay something like $700 for this visit.

When I get home, Linus is acting really lethargic. He’s hardly moving and looks like he’s in pain. It looks like he’s straining and making grunting noises. I call the ER and express my concerns that he is blocked. The front desk hands the phone to the vet.

ER Vet: “It sounds like he’s blocked.”

Me: “How much will it cost to unblock him?”

She tells me an amount that’s AT LEAST $2,500. I begin crying because I’m saving for a house and that would be a good chunk of my savings. When I tell her I can’t afford that, I will never forget what she says to me.

ER Vet: “Well, if you have bad credit, you can always sign up for [Medical Credit Card #1 ], or the vet specific [Medical Credit Card #2].”

I am beyond pissed.

Me: “My credit isn’t the issue. Could we try [medication]? Isn’t that supposed to relax the urethra?”

ER Vet: “Sure, we can try that, but it won’t help.”

I go back to the ER to get the medication and the vet tech there tells me to try an animal hospital (basically a local clinic) in a nearby town that does surgeries. This animal hospital happens to also be my mom’s vet. I thank the vet tech and make an appointment for the next morning at the animal hospital.

I take my cat to the animal hospital, where they tell me to wait in my car because of the health crisis. When I’m called in, they take me to the room and I explain everything, including the visits with the ER. The vet later comes in and does a physical exam.

Animal Hospital Vet: “Linus is definitely blocked. I’ll be able to unblock him today. I’ll get you a quote range on costs.”

When he leaves, I look at my poor baby and burst into tears. I feel like such a bad pet parent. I’m able to calm myself by the time the vet comes back. He gives me the quote range, which is something like $680 at the lowest, $720 at the highest. I start crying again and the vet and vet tech give me concerned looks.

Me: “The ER wanted to charge me over $2,500.”

Animal Hospital Vet: “$2,500 to unblock a cat? That’s ridiculous.”

I agreed for him to do the procedure, and they took my cat to the back. He explained that I needed to put him on special prescription diet food after the procedure. In addition, if he became blocked three times within a short time span, such as a year, then we might need to look at surgery that would basically turn him into a “female”; the surgery makes the male cat’s urethra shorter and wider like a female’s, which is why females don’t get blocked.

I thanked him and left. Linus was in the clinic for three days and was well after that. There was some concern expressed by the vet that Linus’s blood sugar was high and that he might be diabetic, but it turns out he’s not, luckily.

Linus now is doing well. I’ve had no more scares since. He’s on special prescription food and is happy and healthy.

Time To Block That Particular Vet
Money, Pets & Animals, South Carolina, USA, Vet | Healthy | September 7, 2021
This takes place during the beginnings of the 2020 health crisis, over a span of three months, from January to March. I have had my cat Linus since he was four months old and got him from a local rescue, meaning he was neutered when I got him. In 2020, he was five years old. I take him to his annual checkups and he has never had any issues.

One day, Linus starts acting funny. He’s making a cry I’ve never heard and looks like he’s searching for something. He keeps pawing at my clothes and a rag that I use for dusting. I watch as he squats in an attempt to pee on the rag. I quickly scoop him up and put him in his litter box. He tries to pee, but hardly anything comes out. I’m worried that he has a UTI, which in neutered males can cause a blockage and, as I found out later, they only have about seventy-two hours before they die if they are blocked.

I call my vet and explain what is happening to set up an appointment. I talk to a woman on the phone who I assume is a vet.

Vet: “If he is blocked, then there is nothing we can do except refer him to the ER where they can treat him. You should just go to the ER instead of wasting your money to come to us first and then to the ER.”

I do this, not knowing this will be the first act of many stressful moments over this three-month time period.

At the ER, they take a look at him and say that he is not blocked but simply has a UTI. They give me three or four types of medication (ranging from pill to liquid) and send me on my way. This first visit is about $200 to $300. After following the instructions carefully and fighting my bratty baby, he seems to get better. I keep an eye on his litter box, and while his urine clumps aren’t normal-sized, he seems to be peeing again.

One morning, I notice Linus is having trouble peeing again. I leave for work, but since I’m concerned, I leave early to take him to the ER again. They check him again, and again they say that he’s not blocked, just a UTI. The vet also tells me he possibly has FLUTD (Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease), which is more psychological than bacterial, where stress causes the cat to have UTI symptoms. Again, I am given the same medications, and this time I pay around $500 for this visit.

I follow the instructions for the medicine and Linus seems to get better, but then, a couple of weeks later, he is crying again either late at night. He is searching again for something soft to pee on. I take him to the ER again. They decide to hold him for a few hours for observation and testing. I’m exhausted and concerned. Unlike the previous two times, I can’t go into the ER waiting room because of the health crisis and they only do curbside. I head home until they call me to pick him up. Turns out he was a bit dehydrated and they gave him fluids. But they also say he’s not blocked. I believe I pay something like $700 for this visit.

When I get home, Linus is acting really lethargic. He’s hardly moving and looks like he’s in pain. It looks like he’s straining and making grunting noises. I call the ER and express my concerns that he is blocked. The front desk hands the phone to the vet.

ER Vet: “It sounds like he’s blocked.”

Me: “How much will it cost to unblock him?”

She tells me an amount that’s AT LEAST $2,500. I begin crying because I’m saving for a house and that would be a good chunk of my savings. When I tell her I can’t afford that, I will never forget what she says to me.

ER Vet: “Well, if you have bad credit, you can always sign up for [Medical Credit Card #1], or the vet specific [Medical Credit Card #2].”

I am beyond pissed.

Me: “My credit isn’t the issue. Could we try [medication]? Isn’t that supposed to relax the urethra?”

ER Vet: “Sure, we can try that, but it won’t help.”

I go back to the ER to get the medication and the vet tech there tells me to try an animal hospital (basically a local clinic) in a nearby town that does surgeries. This animal hospital happens to also be my mom’s vet. I thank the vet tech and make an appointment for the next morning at the animal hospital.

I take my cat to the animal hospital, where they tell me to wait in my car because of the health crisis. When I’m called in, they take me to the room and I explain everything, including the visits with the ER. The vet later comes in and does a physical exam.

Animal Hospital Vet: “Linus is definitely blocked. I’ll be able to unblock him today. I’ll get you a quote range on costs.”

When he leaves, I look at my poor baby and burst into tears. I feel like such a bad pet parent. I’m able to calm myself by the time the vet comes back. He gives me the quote range, which is something like $680 at the lowest, $720 at the highest. I start crying again and the vet and vet tech give me concerned looks.

Me: “The ER wanted to charge me over $2,500.”

Animal Hospital Vet: “$2,500 to unblock a cat? That’s ridiculous.”

I agreed for him to do the procedure, and they took my cat to the back. He explained that I needed to put him on special prescription diet food after the procedure. In addition, if he became blocked three times within a short time span, such as a year, then we might need to look at surgery that would basically turn him into a “female”; the surgery makes the male cat’s urethra shorter and wider like a female’s, which is why females don’t get blocked.

I thanked him and left. Linus was in the clinic for three days and was well after that. There was some concern expressed by the vet that Linus’s blood sugar was high and that he might be diabetic, but it turns out he’s not, luckily.

Linus now is doing well. I’ve had no more scares since. He’s on special prescription food and is happy and healthy.

The Only Thing Worse Than The Itching Is The Doctor
Bigotry, California, Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | September 6, 2021
Ever since her knee surgery, I haven’t seen my regular dermatologist. Instead, I see one of her two assistants. [Assistant #1 ] is ex-military, very brusk, and doesn’t like to do anything extra. [Assistant #2 ] is extremely sweet, a better doctor than my actual dermatologist, and was the first to figure out I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

I go in once a year for a mole check as skin cancer is what ultimately killed my paternal grandma. This time, I’m stuck with [Assistant #1 ]. Because of my PCOS, I’m under the care of an endocrinologist, so I get my blood tested every three months. The PCOS has contributed to weight gain over the years, so yes, I am fat.

Me: “While I’m here… my feet have been super itchy. It’s just like I have ants crawling all over them.”

The assistant doesn’t even bother to look at my feet.

Assistant #1 : “That’s because you’re diabetic.”

Me: “No, I’m not. My bloodwork shows that my blood sugars are well within normal range. I’m not even pre-diabetic.”

Assistant #1 : “If your feet are itching like that it’s because you’re diabetic and have neuropathy.”

Me: “I just saw my endocrinologist recently and I am not diabetic. All my bloodwork shows that everything is normal except for being severely anemic.”

Assistant #1 : “I’ll prescribe a steroid, but you’re diabetic and have neuropathy.”

She prescribes a topical steroid that does absolutely zilch for the itchiness. I end up finding more relief from a medicated powder from the dollar store. My blood work over the next year confirms I’m STILL not diabetic. On top of that, my feet are very ticklish, so I obviously have no neuropathy. On my next mole check a year later, I get [Assistant #2 ].

She notices the smell of medicated foot powder.

Assistant #2 : “Are you having problems with your feet?”

She begins to examine my feet.

Me: “Yes, they itch a lot. [Assistant #1 ] insisted I have diabetes and neuropathy, but she prescribed something anyway. It didn’t work.”

Assistant #2 : “You don’t have diabetes or neuropathy. You have a foot fungus.”

She prescribed a foam and a special powder. Within a week, my itchy feet stopped itching. And according to my endocrinologist, I’m STILL not diabetic.

She Could’ve At Least Asked First
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Reddit, Strangers | Healthy | CREDIT: Margali | September 5, 2021
I was leaving a doctor’s appointment and my ride arrived, so I stood up and propped myself on the outside of the seat while I was getting ready to fold my wheelchair. A woman ran up and tried to wheel it away — great brakes on my chair — and I had to struggle with her while my driver got out and came to help me.

Woman: *Whining* “But I need this chair for my mom! She’s aged! And this chair is so much nicer and cleaner than the other chairs around here!”

We had to get the guard involved. I could understand if it was a generic wheelchair in basic aluminum, but I guess she didn’t understand that the hospital didn’t have royal purple wheelchairs with cup holders, cane holders, and a chair bag.

Instagramedical Emergency
Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Germany, Health & Body, Patients, Reddit | Healthy | CREDIT: AleksFenix96 | September 3, 2021
I work as a paramedic in a small town in northern Germany, thirty kilometers away from the next big city. Sometimes we need to bring patients to the big city.

It is a hot and busy day, we roll the first six hours through the whole city, mostly taking care of small issues that just require transport. After the first real emergency, a car crash that needed transport to the mentioned bigger city, we are putting our stuff back together at the hospital.

Not even one minute after setting our status to “free for calls,” the dispatch has something for us.

Dispatch: “Woman, around twenty years old, feeling unwell, no more information.”

That means it could be anything, from toe pain to cardiac arrest.

After a ten-minute drive with “lights and music,” we arrive and ring at the door. The patient’s boyfriend comes to the door, recording video on his phone.

Patient’s Boyfriend: “Hey, guys, the ambulance came very quick. They even had sirens on!”

My partner and I exchange “What the f***?” looks.

Me: “Good day. We were called to [Patient]. Are we in the right place?”

Patient’s Boyfriend: *Still filming* “Yeah, come in, guys. That’s going to be great.”

Me: *Thinking* “What in the f*** is wrong here?”

We go in to find the young woman lying on the couch. She’s really thin — we can see some of her bones — and unresponsive. While my partner is checking her blood pressure, pulse, etc., and I am getting the monitor (EKG) ready, I ask the boyfriend what the matter is.

Patient’s Boyfriend: *Still filming us* “She was filming her sport tutorial for her Instagram followers and suddenly fainted. She is on a new diet; she just looks too fat.”

Me: “Has she eaten or drunk anything today? And could you please put the phone down?”

Patient’s Boyfriend: “Just a little bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice. No, I don’t need to put it down. These ‘blue light stories’ are epic on Instagram.”

We are interrupted by an alarm sound from the monitor. The patient’s blood pressure is worryingly low. And the rest of her vitals don’t look good, either.

Partner: “We need a doctor here.”

In Germany, we can call doctors to the scene if we need to give special medications or make invasive treatments. I call the doctor.

Me: “Mr. [Patient’s Boyfriend], stop filming. Your girlfriend is in critical condition.”

Patient’s Boyfriend: “Nah, man, this is going to be huge. She will love it to put it on her YouTube.”

Partner: *Sarcastically* “Yeah, the ‘How I Nearly Died’ vlog. Absolutely great idea.”

I prepare to put a needle in the patient’s arm. The boyfriend comes so close that he hits me and I nearly stab myself. That is the boiling point. I am now really pissed.

Me: *Calm but a bit louder and clearer* “If you don’t back off and put the phone down, I will get the police here and they will take care of it. You don’t understand, do you? Your girlfriend is lying here with bad blood pressure, oxygen, and pulse. I’m really worried that we are close to needing CPR. Even our doctor is on the way. So back off and put the phone down or the police will really take care of it.”

Patient’s Boyfriend: “Sorry, I can’t. This is my work.”

My partner and I exchange looks again.

Me: “All right, I’m calling the police.”

A few minutes after that, the doctor arrived. He was annoyed by the boyfriend, too, and told him to go away, but he still didn’t listen.

A few more minutes later, the cops came and made him delete all the footage. They stood with him outside until we went to the hospital.

We managed to get the patient to the ICU. She made it and is now in good hands. Hopefully, she dumped her boyfriend.

How Dairy Miss This?!
Doctor/Physician, Home, The Netherlands | Healthy | September 1, 2021
When I am around eight years old in the 1990s, I start to get random tummy aches. They appear out of the blue and often come with diarrhoea. My parents take me to our general physician, who can’t find anything. He sends me to a specialist, who does every test he can think of. They find nothing. Since my health seems in order — growing right, not dehydrated, etc. — the specialist tells my parents to keep a good eye on my weight, etc. “Make sure she eats healthy, like enough whole grains, fruits, veggies, and milk.”

I grow up okay and I seem to get fewer tummy aches when I eat at home. My parents deduce that it might come from fats or spices, things we don’t use that much of at home. I don’t like milk, but I love yoghurt and buttermilk, so my desserts are often those things mixed with fruits. I can drink litres of buttermilk or yoghurt in a day, so my parents are not worried about my calcium.

After my marriage, I come across a site that I wasn’t looking for that lists all my symptoms. I go to my new general physician again.

Me: “Remember all those tummy aches listed in my file? I was wondering… Could I be lactose intolerant?”

Doctor: “You know you shouldn’t read those sites online. They mention cancer every three lines.”

Me: “Yes, but the list—”

Doctor: “When do you often have tummy aches?”

Me: “When I go out for dinner.”

Doctor: “And why do you think you are lactose intolerant?”

Me: “Because I always end dinner with ice cream—”

Doctor: “That little does not—”

Me: “With whipped cream. And I love creamy sauces or creamy soups, which I often have at a restaurant, as well.”

Doctor: “Do you also get a tummy ache when you drink milk?”

Me: “No, but that’s because I don’t like milk. I drink buttermilk. And I prefer goat’s cheese, as well.”

Doctor: “Fine, let’s get you tested.”

After a while, I get a call.

Doctor: “Hey, [My Name], I never thought I would say this: the Internet was right. You are lactose intolerant. I can prescribe some pills if you want, but there are a lot of vegan alternatives nowadays. You could look into that if you want.”

So, after about thirty years, I finally found out what’s wrong with me, what specialists then couldn’t find. I have no idea why they didn’t look into that, but they no longer work in the field, anyway. I am absolutely not vegan, but I am glad there are many vegan alternatives available.