There’s No Pills Like Home, Part 2
HEALTH & BODY, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 19, 2010
(My phone number is one number off a nearby pharmacy. We get a lot of misdials. My father happens to actually be a pharmacist but he doesn’t work there.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello? You just say, ‘Hello’? How dare you be so rude! You should say, ‘Thank you for calling’!”

Me: “Oh, you must be looking for [Pharmacy]. You have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Liar! How would you know what store I’m looking for? You’re just trying not to get in trouble. Give me your manager.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have a manager. You’ve called a private residence. The number for the pharmacy is close to our number, so we get a lot of wrong calls.”

Caller: “This is outrageous! Give me your manager! I will not be treated this way!”

(The caller is rambling and being rude so I hang up the phone. She calls back, and my father answers it.)

Father: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is this the manager? Thank God! I want to know if [drug] can be taken with food! And you should fire that girl that answered before; she was very rude to me! I want to file a complaint!”

Father: “Ma’am, this is not the grocery store pharmacy. You just told off my 14-year-old daughter. I happen to be a pharmacist. That drug does not need to be taken with food. However, you should see a doctor about your ears, as you clearly can’t hear a word anyone says.”

Seriously Bad Hair Day
AUSTRALIA, MELBOURNE, PHARMACY, TIME, VICTORIA | RIGHT | MARCH 11, 2010
(It’s 10 pm. We are in the final motions of locking up: registers closed and lights off. I’m just locking the door.)

Customer: *runs up in a panic* “Oh, no! You are closed? It’s an emergency! I really need to buy one thing!”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed. Maybe you could come back in the morning.”

Customer: “No! I can’t wait that long-this is an emergency! Please help me!”

Me: “Okay, I suppose I can help you quickly for an emergency. Do you need antibiotics or paracetamol or something?”

Customer: “I need a packet of hair pins!”

How To Seize The Moment
HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, OHIO, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 8, 2010
(An elderly woman is having a seizure and obviously 911 has been called to the scene.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but when can I get my prescription?”

Me: “Ma’am, this woman is having a seizure and needs medical attention right away.”

Customer: “But I was here before her!”

This One’s A No-Brainer
AUSTRALIA, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHARMACY, SYDNEY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 13, 2010
Customer: “My mother is taking some medication and it is making her sick. Can you stop giving it to her?”

Me: “I’ll have to ask the pharmacist for you. What medication is it?”

Customer: “It’s a little white pill.”

Me: “You don’t know the name of it, sir? We do have many white pills in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “I think it’s for her heart… or her brain.”

Noah Already Had Two Customers On The Ark
PHARMACY, STUPID, WEATHER | RIGHT | OCTOBER 26, 2009
(Much of our area is suffering from massive flooding. A man walks into our chain pharmacy, completely drenched from the chest down.)

Me: “Wow, what happened to you?”

Customer: “I tried to go to your other location and it was closed!”

Me: “That location is flooded, sir. There’s about four feet of water surrounding it.”

Customer: “I know! I had to wade all the way up to the door before I found out it was closed! How do you think I got so wet?”

Not A Case Of If, But When…
ALCOHOL, PARTY, PHARMACY, POLICE, TEENAGERS | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2009
(While waiting in line, I overhear a conversation between a teenager and a police officer, both of whom are also waiting. The boy has red plastic cups and ping pong balls in hand.)

Officer: “Can I ask what those are for?”

Teenage Customer: “No, no questions.”

Officer: “Where’s the party?”

Teenage Customer: “No parties.”

(The kid checks out, and as he’s walking out the door yells “SODA PONG!” and flicks his wrist.)

Officer: *to me* “Yeah, I’ll get the call in a couple of hours.”

Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, PHYSICAL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 31, 2009
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Give me all the f****** medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

(He holsters the airsoft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store, out of the front door, followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35-year-old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

There’s No Pills Like Home
EDITORS' CHOICE, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | JULY 17, 2009
(A patient called in to inquire about the medication she has just picked up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Pharmacy.”

Patient: “Hi, I just picked up this medication, and I think I may have a problem.”

Me: “Is there something incorrect with how it was filled?”

Patient: “No, it’s just that the cream here says to apply locally, and I’m going out of town tonight. I was wondering if I could still use it.”

Me: “Um… yes. Yes, you can.”

Patient: “Oh, okay, good… Oh… Oh, God. I just realized… Oh, my God, just forget I asked! How stupid of me!”

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

TMI Mom Tries To Help
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JULY 6, 2009
(A forty-something year old woman comes to the counter with her purchases. Amongst them is a box of condoms, which have security stickers on them. Before I scan the item, I swipe it a few times over the scanner to deactivate it.)

Customer: “Is it not scanning?”

Me: “No, I’m just deactivating the security sticker. I don’t want you to set off the alarm on the way out. Especially over condoms!”

Customer: “Oh I’m not embarrassed! They’re not for me, they’re for my son. I can’t even get an erection!”

Script Stupidity
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | MAY 28, 2009
Customer: *holds up two bottles* “What’s the difference between these two medicines?”

Me: “The one on the left is a capsule; the one on the right is a tablet.”

Customer: “I mean, which one would be better?”

Me: “They’re exactly the same medicine, just in different forms. Most people buy whichever one is easier for them to swallow.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! How can you swallow a bottle?”

Where There’s A Pill, There’s A Way
PHARMACY | RIGHT | MAY 21, 2009
(A customer comes in with a prescription for a narcotic pain reliever. He says that he was at the hospital with his wife and the hospital stole his pills, which is why he needs to get this prescription filled, even though his last prescription was just filled a few days ago.)

Me: “OK, sir, I talked to your doctor and he says I can fill your prescription.”

Customer: “Great, can I wait? I have no pills left and I really need it.”

Me: “It’ll be about 10 minutes.”

(10 minutes later.)

Me: “OK sir, your prescription is ready.”

Customer: “Hey, are those pills the same as this?” *holds up pill*

Me: “I thought you didn’t have any pills left, sir.”

Customer: “Well…I bought this off the street, to be honest with you.”

Me: “Oh…good.”

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 23, 2009
(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “Okay, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’. Can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir… that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir… it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated
DRUGS, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 21, 2009
(A patient walks up to the pick-up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

Me: “Sir, this is the pick-up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

Customer: “I don’t know; have I?”

Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

Me: “…I’ll make a note on that.”

Bilingual Secret Shame
PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2009
Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Diaper couches.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.”

Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.”

Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves*

Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 2, 2009
Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

MacGyver Becomes a Dad
EDITORS' CHOICE, MEDICATION, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 26, 2009
(A man is picking up a prescription for his infant child.)

Customer: “How much did you say the prescription was?”

Me: “$49.99.”

Customer: “What’s the difference between this and what I can get over the counter?”

Me: “There’s no cough medicine you can give your eight-month-old, sir, other than this.”

Customer: “Well, what’s in it?”

(He picks up the prescription papers and starts rustling through them.)

Customer: “If I can buy everything that’s in it over the counter, I’ll just make it myself.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Perhaps Multiple Choice Might Be Easier
PHARMACY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 20, 2009
Customer: “I’m after some cold and flu medication.”

Me: “Sure, do you take any other medication?”

Customer: “Um… no… I don’t thi-… wait, yes, but it’s… actually no, no, I don’t.”

Me: “Okay then, and are you allergic to anything?”

Customer: “God, this is too hard!” *storms out*

Surely, One Missed Anatomy Class Can’t Hurt…
PHARMACY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 19, 2009
(A woman walks in with her daughter one afternoon.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “There’s something wrong with my daughter.”

Me: “Oh?”

Customer: “Her eyes keep closing on their own!”

Me: “…ma’am, that’s called blinking.”