Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated
DRUGS, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 21, 2009
(A patient walks up to the pick-up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

Me: “Sir, this is the pick-up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

Customer: “I don’t know; have I?”

Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

Me: “…I’ll make a note on that.”

Not A Case Of If, But When…
ALCOHOL, PARTY, PHARMACY, POLICE, TEENAGERS | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2009
(While waiting in line, I overhear a conversation between a teenager and a police officer, both of whom are also waiting. The boy has red plastic cups and ping pong balls in hand.)

Officer: “Can I ask what those are for?”

Teenage Customer: “No, no questions.”

Officer: “Where’s the party?”

Teenage Customer: “No parties.”

(The kid checks out, and as he’s walking out the door yells “SODA PONG!” and flicks his wrist.)

Officer: *to me* “Yeah, I’ll get the call in a couple of hours.”

Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, PHYSICAL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 31, 2009
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Give me all the f****** medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

(He holsters the airsoft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store, out of the front door, followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35-year-old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

There’s No Pills Like Home
EDITORS' CHOICE, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | JULY 17, 2009
(A patient called in to inquire about the medication she has just picked up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Pharmacy.”

Patient: “Hi, I just picked up this medication, and I think I may have a problem.”

Me: “Is there something incorrect with how it was filled?”

Patient: “No, it’s just that the cream here says to apply locally, and I’m going out of town tonight. I was wondering if I could still use it.”

Me: “Um… yes. Yes, you can.”

Patient: “Oh, okay, good… Oh… Oh, God. I just realized… Oh, my God, just forget I asked! How stupid of me!”

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

TMI Mom Tries To Help
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JULY 6, 2009
(A forty-something year old woman comes to the counter with her purchases. Amongst them is a box of condoms, which have security stickers on them. Before I scan the item, I swipe it a few times over the scanner to deactivate it.)

Customer: “Is it not scanning?”

Me: “No, I’m just deactivating the security sticker. I don’t want you to set off the alarm on the way out. Especially over condoms!”

Customer: “Oh I’m not embarrassed! They’re not for me, they’re for my son. I can’t even get an erection!”

There’s No Pills Like Home, Part 2
HEALTH & BODY, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 19, 2010
(My phone number is one number off a nearby pharmacy. We get a lot of misdials. My father happens to actually be a pharmacist but he doesn’t work there.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello? You just say, ‘Hello’? How dare you be so rude! You should say, ‘Thank you for calling’!”

Me: “Oh, you must be looking for [Pharmacy]. You have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Liar! How would you know what store I’m looking for? You’re just trying not to get in trouble. Give me your manager.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have a manager. You’ve called a private residence. The number for the pharmacy is close to our number, so we get a lot of wrong calls.”

Caller: “This is outrageous! Give me your manager! I will not be treated this way!”

(The caller is rambling and being rude so I hang up the phone. She calls back, and my father answers it.)

Father: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is this the manager? Thank God! I want to know if [drug] can be taken with food! And you should fire that girl that answered before; she was very rude to me! I want to file a complaint!”

Father: “Ma’am, this is not the grocery store pharmacy. You just told off my 14-year-old daughter. I happen to be a pharmacist. That drug does not need to be taken with food. However, you should see a doctor about your ears, as you clearly can’t hear a word anyone says.”

Seriously Bad Hair Day
AUSTRALIA, MELBOURNE, PHARMACY, TIME, VICTORIA | RIGHT | MARCH 11, 2010
(It’s 10 pm. We are in the final motions of locking up: registers closed and lights off. I’m just locking the door.)

Customer: *runs up in a panic* “Oh, no! You are closed? It’s an emergency! I really need to buy one thing!”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed. Maybe you could come back in the morning.”

Customer: “No! I can’t wait that long-this is an emergency! Please help me!”

Me: “Okay, I suppose I can help you quickly for an emergency. Do you need antibiotics or paracetamol or something?”

Customer: “I need a packet of hair pins!”

How To Seize The Moment
HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, OHIO, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 8, 2010
(An elderly woman is having a seizure and obviously 911 has been called to the scene.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but when can I get my prescription?”

Me: “Ma’am, this woman is having a seizure and needs medical attention right away.”

Customer: “But I was here before her!”

This One’s A No-Brainer
AUSTRALIA, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHARMACY, SYDNEY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 13, 2010
Customer: “My mother is taking some medication and it is making her sick. Can you stop giving it to her?”

Me: “I’ll have to ask the pharmacist for you. What medication is it?”

Customer: “It’s a little white pill.”

Me: “You don’t know the name of it, sir? We do have many white pills in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “I think it’s for her heart… or her brain.”

Noah Already Had Two Customers On The Ark
PHARMACY, STUPID, WEATHER | RIGHT | OCTOBER 26, 2009
(Much of our area is suffering from massive flooding. A man walks into our chain pharmacy, completely drenched from the chest down.)

Me: “Wow, what happened to you?”

Customer: “I tried to go to your other location and it was closed!”

Me: “That location is flooded, sir. There’s about four feet of water surrounding it.”

Customer: “I know! I had to wade all the way up to the door before I found out it was closed! How do you think I got so wet?”

Hollywood, M.D.
BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | JULY 1, 2010
(A customer comes to the counter with a bleeding hand.)

Customer: “Have you got a first aid kit back there? I caught my hand and it’s bleeding.”

Me: “Of course. I’ll go get it.”

(I come back with the kit and take out some antibiotic ointment and some bandages.)

Customer: “Oh, I shouldn’t need the bandages.”

Me: “Are you sure? It’s bleeding quite a lot.”

Customer: “Well, that ointment will just fix it, won’t it?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “That stuff you’ve got in your hand; that’ll just heal it up, right?”

Me: “This helps it heal faster and prevents it from getting infected, but it doesn’t heal it immediately.”

Customer: “Don’t you have the stuff that just fixes it right away?”

Me: “I don’t believe they have anything that does that, ma’am.”

Customer: “They do, I saw it before!”

Me: “Where did you see it?”

Customer: “I saw it on some movie. I don’t want that stuff there. I want the stuff I saw in the movie. Just get that stuff and fix this already, will you?”

Medication Frustration
BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | JUNE 28, 2010
Customer: “I’m picking up a prescription for [Name].”

Me: “Okay. Just a second.”

(I check the drawer for the prescription and can’t find it.)

Me: “When did you order it?”

Customer: “Well, I saw the doctor on Monday.”

Me: “So you came in on Monday?”

Customer: “No, I went to the doctor’s on Monday.”

Me: “Okay, so when did you drop your prescription off?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I went to the doctor.”

Me: “And did he give you a piece of paper that said what drugs you needed?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s a prescription. You need to bring it here so that we know what you need.”

Customer: “But I saw the doctor on Monday! Why didn’t he do it?”

Me: “That’s not his job. That’s what pharmacists are for.”

Customer: “So, what, he’s a doctor but he’s not a pharmacist? Look, I saw him on Monday so he probably just did it then. You’re just not looking hard enough. Look for the things done on Monday!”

The Truth Is A Bitter Pill To Swallow
BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | JUNE 25, 2010
Customer: “Why isn’t my prescription ready yet?”

Me: “We’re trying to get in contact with your doctor because of a problem with the prescription. Your profile says you’re allergic to penicillin. Is that correct?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, that stuff is really bad for me!”

Me: “The medication your doctor prescribed has penicillin in it, so we’re trying to get a hold of him to find out what he wants you to take.”

Customer: “Oh, well, he wants me to take the penicillin. That’s what he wrote down, right?”

Me: “Yes, but you said you were allergic to it.”

Customer: “But he’s a doctor, so he knows what’s best. If that’s what he wrote, then just give me that.”

Me: “Well, we’ll check with him first to make sure that it’s safe for you.”

Customer: “Of course it’s safe for me or the doctor wouldn’t have prescribed it! He probably just cured my allergies. Check my old prescriptions; I bet he prescribed me something to cure my allergy!

High School Dropouts Work On The Pharm
BAD BEHAVIOR, BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 12, 2010
(I work as a pharmacy tech at a chain pharmacy. I am also currently in pharmacy school and will be a pharmacist one day.)

Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “No! I refuse to be helped by a high school dropout! You should be ashamed of yourself for working where children can see you! You are going to make them think that it is okay to not have an education!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am not a high school dropout. I have a high school diploma and I am currently in pharmacy school working towards a Doctor of Pharmacy. I am going to be a pharmacist one day.”

Customer: “Stop lying! I have never heard of a pharmacist before. You are a high school dropout!”

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! Your employee is lying to me! She says she is going to be a pharmacist! That job doesn’t exist!”

(The manager looks at our pharmacist who is near tears from laughing so hard.)

Manager: “Ma’am, see the man over there? He’s the one who filled your prescription. He is a pharmacist.”

Customer: “No, he isn’t! He just counts pills! You don’t need school for that!”

Health Care(less)
HEALTH & BODY, MONEY, PHARMACY, SOUTH CAROLINA, USA | RIGHT | MAY 19, 2010
Me: “That will be $43.78, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, no, it won’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you have insurance? You weren’t in the system. Do you have your card on you?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have insurance. Obama said health care is free.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s how it works, ma’am.”

Will Power On Aisle 2
CANADA, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 28, 2010
Teenage Girl: “Do you guys sell that contraceptive ‘abstinence’?”

Me: “Abstinence?”

Teenage Girl: “Yeah! Abstinence! I read that it’s the only 100% way to not get pregnant!”

Me: “That’s right. But, abstinence is to not have sex, like, abstain from.”

Teenage Girl: “Well, that just sucks!”

Misunderstood “Total Coverage”
INSURANCE, MICHIGAN, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 17, 2010
Me: “Our records show you’ve never had a prescription filled here before, so I’ll need an ID and your insurance.”

Customer: “Here’s my ID. I don’t have my insurance on me, but it’s through [Car Insurance Company].”

Me: “Sir, I think that’s your car insurance. Do you have health insurance?”

Customer: “You mean there’s more than one kind?”

Feeling Pooped
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, REVOLTING, SPOUSES & PARTNERS, USA, WISCONSIN | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 12, 2010
(A couple approaches the counter.)

Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “Yes, can you give me advice about his stool?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give medical advice. Perhaps you’d like to speak to our pharmacist, or consult your doctor?”

Customer: “No, I’m sure they’re very busy. I just want someone to tell me if it’s normal.”

Me: “The law says I can’t give advice. Let me get the pharmacist.”

Customer: “No, really, I have some here.” *whips out a clear bag of poo on the counter* “See, it’s all gritty. That’s not normal, is it? Do you have pills for that?”

Me: “Ma’am, you might want to take that to your doctor. We can’t accept biological waste.”

Customer: *to her husband* “See, Joe, I told you it was wrong. That’s why I save them.”

Rectify The Situation
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, UK, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | AUGUST 12, 2010
Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. Do you sell them?”

Me: “Why do you need it?”

Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”

Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”

(I called the pharmacist in who explained to the man exactly what a rectum is. He left, red-faced.)

What’s Your Poison
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 15, 2011
(I’m a pharmacist in a rural area. A shop assistant calls me out from the dispensary to talk to a customer, who is a slightly intoxicated middle aged woman.)

Customer: “This medicine made my partner sick! Violently sick!”

Me: “Let me see. Has he had any alcohol?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you sure? Not even a little?”

Customer: “He doesn’t drink. Maybe only a little, but he wasn’t drunk.”

Me: “It clearly says on the label that you must not drink any alcohol while being treated with this medicine.”

Customer: “But he didn’t drink much at all. A beer shouldn’t matter, should it?”

Me: “It contains enough alcohol to–”

Customer: “But, like, you can even drive if you only drink a beer!”

Me: “That has nothing to do with–”

Customer: “I think he’d better not take this medicine. It made him violently sick!”

Me: “I think he should–”

Customer: “Thanks, I’ll tell him what you said. This medicine is a poison!” *turns around and walks out*

Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide, Part 3
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2011
(I am standing in line at the pharmacy counter and a man rudely cuts in front of me, stating that he has been waiting in line, just in another part of the store. He assures me he’ll be quick, but I don’t buy his excuse. The following exchange occurs between him and the pharmacist.)

Customer: “I need to speak to a pharmacist immediately.”

Pharmacist: “Do you have a question about your medication?”

Customer: “Yes, it says on the bottle to take with water. I don’t drink water. Water makes you fat.”

Pharmacist: “Um, water is essential for your body, especially with those pills.”

Customer: “What about water retention? Will I just pee it out, then?”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, your body will eventually eliminate it. You should drink water, though. Your body needs plenty of water to work well, and you really don’t want to be dehydrated while on this drug.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it. Oh, and one more question. What about alcohol? Can I still have my alcohol?”

Take Two Werewolves And Call Me In The Morning
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 8, 2011
(I have just given a customer his prescription and am explaining to him the directions.)

Me: “So, just take two of these with water at night.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks. Wait, I work at night…should I take these in the day time?”

Me: “Yes, just take them before bed.”

Customer: “Okay, so they aren’t activated by the moon or anything?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *slight disbelief* “Hmm, okay…” *turns around and leaves*

I’ll Take An Album Cover For 7000
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 4, 2011
(I work in the OTC section of a well-known pharmacy chain. I’m stocking the shelves in an aisle when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I’ve looked all over here. Where are your hemorrhoid wipes?”

Me: “Oh, those are actually down on Aisle 20.”

Customer: “Really? Why are they over there and not in this aisle with the rest of the anal care?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Anal care!” *points at the aisle’s sign*

(The sign she was pointing at? “Analgesics”.)

Like There’s No Tomorrow
PHARMACY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 24, 2011
(A customer has called to ask if we carry an over the counter soap in our store.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am? I just checked and we do carry [brand] soap. However, we are all out of stock right now, but we could order some for you and it would come in tomorrow.”

Customer: “You don’t carry [brand]?”

Me: “We do carry it. We just don’t have it in right now.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “Because other customers have purchased it. But we can order some for tomorrow.”

Customer: “Well, how long will that take?”

Me: “It’ll come in tomorrow.”

Customer: “So, how many days will that be?”

The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JANUARY 2, 2012
Customer: “Do you have any fecal heart monitors?”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Customer: “You know, to hear the baby while it’s still in the womb?”

Me: “That would be a fetal heart monitor. Right this way…”

Photo-synthesise A Cure
PHARMACY | RELATED | DECEMBER 17, 2011
(A mother has her sick three-year-old with her. She needs help finding medicine.)

Me: “What symptoms are you trying to treat?”

Mother: “Well, her nose…and, um, her eyes, uh… Hang on.”

(The customer digs in her purse and pulls out a photo.)

Mother: “Here’s a picture of what my daughter normally looks like, and look at her now. She’s really sick. What do you recommend?”

A Real Pain In The Rear
PHARMACY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 14, 2011
(An elderly gentleman approaches me at the counter.)

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “My butt hurts! I need medicine!”

Me: “All right, do you have a prescription? Or, can you tell me what exactly is wrong so that I can recommend you something that doesn’t need one?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong. But my butt hurts!”

Me: “Please go see a doctor then, sir. Without knowing what causes your pain, there’s little I can do.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to wait at the doctor’s together with all the sick people! I’ll catch a disease or something!”

Me: “That’s understandable. Maybe you could go early in the morning when fewer people are there?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to! I want you to tell me what’s wrong! Look at my butt!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t do that–”

(The man doesn’t listen. In front of me and three other customers, he drops his pants and underwear, turns around and sticks out his butt in my direction.)

Me: “Sir, please pull up your pants again! I can’t tell what’s wrong and you will have to leave if you don’t stop that!”

Customer: “Nonsense! If you can’t tell what’s wrong from over there, come closer and get a better look!”

(My boss then comes to look at what’s going on and ends up kicking the guy out.)

Customer: *on the way out the door* “Why will no one look at my butt?!”

A Warm And Full(filling) Night In
PHARMACY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 9, 2011
(A man in his mid-30’s approaches the register. I notice that he looks a little grumpy about something.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Hi.”

(It is at this point that I notice that he only has two items to ring up: a 20oz bottle of soda and an enema.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “I’m holding an enema, what do you think?!”

Me: *speechless*

(I ring him up silently. Poor guy, I hope he feels better!)

D Is For Definitely Shiny
HOLIDAYS, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, RETAIL, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 16, 2011
(A customer walks to my register with a Halloween decoration in tow. It’s a cheap cardboard statue of a cartoon-looking black cat covered in a shiny plastic material.)

Customer: “So, why is this 3D?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

(I peer at the tag. It says “3D Cat.”)

Me: “Oh, that’s because it’s 3D.”

Customer: “No, I mean why is it ‘D’? Is it because it’s shiny?”

(A multitude of thoughts are racing through my head at this point. I debate the prospect of explaining to her what 3D actually means. In the end, I decide it’s easier to just agree with her.)

Me: “Exactly! It’s really sparkly and that’s why it’s called a 3D cat. Would you like to purchase it?”

Customer: “Oh, definitely!”

Perhaps There’s Insufficient Blood To Your Brain
PHARMACY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 24, 2012
(We have a free self-use blood pressure machine in our pharmacy.)

Customer: “When are you going to fix your blood pressure machine?”

Pharmacist: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Your blood pressure machine is broken. Every time I come in here, it doesn’t work! You should really take care of it. Lots of old people need to check their blood pressure, you know!”

Me: “Are you sure? I just filled the paper roll the other day. It was working fine.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I’ve been trying to use it for days. It’s not working. You should really take care of it!”

(I take a look at the machine and try to troubleshoot the problem. I sit in the seat, roll up my sleeve, put it in the cuff, and push the big green “Start” button. The cuff inflates normally.)

Customer: “You mean you’re suppose to push that button?!”

Weekend Roundup: Don’t Mess With Employees
FAST FOOD, GUN STORE, PHARMACY, TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 19, 2012
Introducing Weekend Roundups: each week, we’ll be featuring some of our favorite stories from the Not Always Right archives.

Don’t Mess With Employees! This week, we feature five stories that teach misbehaving customers the consequences of messing with employees.

In Real Hot Sauce Now:
A young teenage employee decides her dignity is worth more than £3.71 and dealing with a cowardly manager.
A Good Ol’ Fashioned A** Whoopin’:
A customer tries to rough up an employee, but ends up getting roughed up by the manager instead.
Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists:
Teenage robber, meet Doug. Doug is our new pharmacy tech. Doug is also built like a fridge.
Who’s Got The Power Now:
Tech support is happy to support your technology. Supporting your potty mouth, not so much.
Your Prank Got Spanked:
A prank caller picks the wrong, well-armed store to call.

A Dose By Any Other Name
PHARMACY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 3, 2012
Customer: “Hey, I want some Tylenol.”

Me: “For children or for adults?”

Customer: “For adults.”

Me: “At the moment, we only have the generic kind available. You know, paracetamol, also known as acetaminophen?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want any acetaminophen! Give me the other one!”

Me: “Ma’am, they are the same thing, just different names for the same ingredient.”

Customer: “Well, I just want the first one you named. Just don’t give me the other one.”

Harvested From The Great Nyquil Tree
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JANUARY 25, 2012
Patient: “Hi, my 6-month-old grandson has some congestion in his nose and a fever. I gave him some NyQuil yesterday and that seemed to help. Is there anything you would recommend?”

Me: “For the congestion, you can use these saline drops, they’re–”

Patient: “No! I don’t wanna use that medicated stuff.”

Me: “All right. Well, for the fever you can try this Tylenol. Do you know the wei–”

Patient: “No! I don’t want to use that! It has acetaminophen in it! That’s not safe for babies.”

Me: “Actually, acetaminophen is quite safe for infants.”

Patient: “You’re a pharmacist. You would say that!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is the Advil.”

Patient: “That has acetaminophen too!”

Me: “No, that has ibuprofen. Which is also saf–”

Patient: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Are you aware that NyQuil has acetaminophen in it?”

Patient: “You lie! NyQuil has NyQuil in it! Isn’t there anything more natural I can give?!”

Me: “No.”

Patient: “You’re useless!” *storms off*

It’s The Small Victories
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JANUARY 21, 2012
(I’ve been working for a quite a while, so my voice is scratchy. Near the end of my shift, an old man comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Hm. You’re losing your voice there, eh?”

Me: “Haha. A little bit, I suppose.”

Customer: “Well, that’s the end of the world for a woman.”

Me: “Ha ha…” *confused as to where he’s going with this*

Customer: “HAHAHA, YOU CAN’T YELL AT ME!” *does a victory dance*

A Game Of Kat And Birdie
PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 5, 2012
(I work at a pharmacy and we are very busy, causing a few customers having to wait. The last woman in line finally steps up.)

Me: “I apologize for your wait. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Does your name tag say your name is Kat?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Did you have some crazy new age parents or something? Why would they name you after an animal? That’s just dumb! You should have a good sturdy name, like mine!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I need a refill.”

Me: “Of course. Can I get your date of birth?”

Customer: *gives me her date of birth* “And the prescription is under Birdie.”

Me: “Okay, it’s put in and will be ready in 15 minutes.”

Customer: “Thank you. I’m sorry you have such a foolish name.”

Pharmacist: “Did that woman just tell you your name was foolish and complain about people with “animal” names?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Pharmacist: “But her name was Birdie…”

Less Is More, More Or Less, Part 3
DRUG STORE, PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 30, 2012
(Our store regularly runs a promotion on the various vitamin brands for ‘BOGO’, buy 1, get 1 free. A customer comes up to the register with a bottle of a brand on the BOGO promotion. I am also an avid couponer and I regularly take in coupons for items we carry that I won’t use so that I can give them to customers.)

Me: “Sir, I see you’re buying a [brand] item. This week we currently have this whole line at Buy One, Get One Free. If you do get another one, I also have a coupon I can give you which is good for $2 off two items. So instead of getting one for $9.99 you can get 2 for eight bucks and change.”

Customer: *quite angrily* “What the h*** is wrong with you people? I just want my vitamins. Why are you always trying to push me to buy extra stuff and give you more money!?”

Me: “I’m…sir, I apologize. I probably wasn’t clear you’ll get twice as many vitamins and spend two dollars less—”

Customer: “Oh f*** this. You’re all scam artists!” *storms off without paying*

Me: *stares in disbelief*

Next Customer:“So…can I use that coupon?”

No Pain, No Vain
PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 29, 2012
(A customer comes in to return a home leg waxing kit.)

Me: “Can I ask why you are unsatisfied with this product?”

Customer: “It hurts!”

Me: “Yes, because waxing involves ripping the hair out by the roots.”

Customer: “Well, it shouldn’t hurt!”

You Better Belize It
PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 19, 2012
(I live in Belize. A lot of tourists think they can get away with anything in my country. One day, a foreigner walks into the store.)

Customer: “Can I get some Diazepam?”

Me: “Do you have a prescription?”

Customer: *tries to look bewildered* “Do I need one?”

Me: “Yes, especially since it’s a controlled substance.”

Customer: “It is?” *scoffs* “Well I didn’t know that. Some Xanax, then.”

Me: “That is a controlled substance too. Valium, Xanax, alprazolam, lorazepam, diazepam…they’re all controlled.”

Customer: “Well, then!” *hurriedly walks out of the store*

Why You Always Bring Your Own Dinnerware
PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 3, 2012
(An elderly lady approaches the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need some dish bags.”

(Unaware of what dish bags are, I assume she means dish rags.)

Me: “I’m not sure what that is and if we carry it. I would look in the cleaning section.”

Customer: “Well, my doctor said I could get it here.”

Me: “Okay, well I would check that aisle.”

(The customer leaves and returns after a couple minutes.)

Customer: “I didn’t find them!”

Me: “Can you tell me again what it is you need?”

Customer: “Dish bags.”

Me: “And you say your doctor told you to get them here?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of dish bags and I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that here.”

Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! What am I going to do?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, would you like me to ask our pharmacist about them?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I go get the pharmacist to assist me.)

Pharmacist: “So, what is a dish bag used for?”

Customer: “Jeeze! You clean your lady parts with it!”