Idiot Number One
Medical Office, Tennessee, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017
(I’m a nurse and am bringing a patient back to do blood pressure, temperature, and a urine check before they see the doctor.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, this is going to be your room, but do you feel as if you could pee in a cup for me real quick?”

Patient: “No, not right now.”

Me: “That all right! I’ll be right back with my blood pressure cuff to check your blood pressure, okay? We can get you some water to drink after that.”

Patient: “Okay, but I really need to pee, and do you need me to save any of it to check for infection?”

Inject A Little Compassion
Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017
(My 12-year-old friend has many physical health problems, so she has to be at the hospital a lot. She has had many surgeries and medical procedures, and therefore has built up a bit of pain tolerance as well as being able to go for longer periods of time without food. My friend and her mom get onto the elevator. My friend has eaten nothing for over a day; she is very tired, and we all had a long day at school with lots of work and homework. Before the operation, she has to take a medication. She has a fear of needles, so she always takes medication via pill when she can. This takes longer, as the pill needs longer to work, but they are scheduled accordingly.)

Doctor: “Let me get the shot.”

Friend’s Mom: “Actually, she request—”

Doctor: “Ugh, she doesn’t need to do that. She’s not a little kid!”

Nurse #1 : “Actually, they requested the pill, because [Friend] has anxiety and we don’t want her to have a panic attack before surgery.”

Doctor: “She needs to stop being a special snowflake and grow up!”

Friend: “I was diagnosed by Dr. [Name] seven years ago. Do you think I want panic attacks?”

Doctor: “Fine.”

(The doctor goes to get the medication. My friend’s mom and the nurse leave the room. Suddenly the doctor rushes out and sticks her with the needle.)

Friend: *is taken by surprise and tenses up, making the shot hurt more, and starts to have a panic attack*

Friend’s Mom & Nurses: “What’s going on?!”

([Nurses #1 and #2 ] rush to help [Friend].)

Friend’s Mom: “What the f*** are you doing?!”

Doctor: “She’s just a stupid kid! You don’t know anything about medicine anyway!”

Friend’s Mom: “I’m a nurse! I WORK here!”

(They did the surgery, and it turned out the pain medication didn’t work too well because the doctor injected it wrong.)

Juiced Up On Idiocy
Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017
(I’m a nurse working on a medical-surgical floor. One night, I am assigned to a certain patient who is known to be extremely difficult, and honestly, a bit of an idiot. He is very uncooperative, and won’t even let us put an IV in him. He has a mess of medical problems, particularly uncontrolled diabetes. We check all diabetics’ blood sugar levels throughout the day in order to control their levels with insulin shots.)

Me: “Good morning. I have to check your blood sugar.”

Patient: “Whatever.”

(I check the level and it’s shockingly low. A normal blood sugar level is 60 – 120. His is 40.)

Me: “Sir, your sugar is very low. Let me get you some juice to boost it up.”

Patient: “I can’t drink juice. I’m diabetic.”

Me: “Yes, but in this case, juice will help boost your sugar quickly. We don’t want it to drop any lower. Lemme get you orange juice, okay?”

Patient: “Fine.”

Me: *comes back later with a cup of OJ* “Here.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you that you need to take some juice for your sugar.”

Patient: “I don’t like OJ.”

Me: *a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me so in the first place* “All right. What will you take?”

Patient: *after a few minutes thinking* “I want apple juice.”

Me: “Fine.” *leaves and comes back with apple juice* “Here. Drink this.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: *at this point, I’m in complete disbelief* “Sir, you just told me you would drink if I got you apple juice instead of OJ!”

Patient: “I’m diabetic. I can’t drink juice.”

Me: “But your sugar is low and we really need to boost it up. It’s dangerous to have low blood sugar.”

Patient: *getting angry* “You can’t force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Don’t try to trick me into taking that juice! I don’t even like apple juice!”

(At this point, I’m about ready to throw the juice in his face. I leave the room just as the doctor passes by with some surgical students, asking what’s up. I explain the situation to the doctor.)

Doctor: “Let us talk to him.” *takes the juice from me and walks in with the students*

(I leave to take care of another patient. Five minutes later, I return to see the students coming out of the room one by one, all of them shaking their heads and chuckling. Finally the doctor comes out and I ask him if he took the juice.)

Doctor: *shakes his head* “That man is an absolute idiot. Just make sure he gets breakfast. If he passes out, let us know.”

A Cereal Snacker
Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017
(I’m a hospital nurse. In my experience, some patients tend to see the hospital as some sort of medical hotel, where they’re allowed to ask for whatever they like whenever they like just because they’re sick.)

Patient: *at two in the morning, at the other end of the unit* “HEY! HEY! SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT!”

Me: *coming in, resisting the urge to smack him for waking up the d*** unit instead of just using his call bell* “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

Patient: “I want cereal.”

Me: *utter disbelief* “Sir, it’s two in the morning. We don’t have any cereal.”

Patient: “Then go to the kitchen and get me some cereal.”

Me: “The kitchen is closed and won’t open until morning. You’ll have to wait until breakfast.”

Patient: “But I’m hungry now!”

(Keep in mind that this patient has a history of uncontrolled diabetes and has even lost a foot. He usually keeps a stash of food in his room against our advice, and his blood sugar is always extremely high due to snacking and refusing medications. We always try to limit his snacks to better control his sugar.)

Me: “Sir, you already had your dinner and your snack for tonight. You need to wait until morning. We don’t have any more snacks for you.”

Patient: “This is the worst hospital ever. First you try to poison me with your whacked drugs and then you wanna starve me all night long? Why can’t you give me any cereal?”

Me: *already past my limit and trying to keep an even tone* “Because this is a hospital, not a hotel. I’m not your maid; I’m your nurse. I’m not here to enable your bad habits and give you whatever you want just because you want it. I’m here to help you maintain your health. But you’ve been uncooperative, rude, and downright disrespectful. You don’t like how things are here? You have the right to refuse. And you have the right to leave. But you can guarantee that you will be back. And you keep heading down this path, you can also bet that you’re gonna have more problems, too.”

Patient: “…”

Me: “…”

Patient: “…I’ll go to sleep and wait for breakfast, then.”

Pink Eye To Your Red Face
British Columbia, Canada, College & University, Medical Office | Healthy | November 6, 2017
(I’m in my second year of university, working part time and in full courses for science with labs. I don’t exactly have free time at convenient hours, so I decide to go to the doctor on campus to confirm my suspicion. They ask me to fill out a form covering the basics, including pregnancy, STDs, allergies, and a list of symptoms. I make it quite clear what my issue is.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name]. How are you feeling?”

Me: “Not bad.”

Doctor: “Do you need a pregnancy test?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Doctor: “Well, we can screen for STDs. It will take about a week to get results back.”

Me: “That’s… that’s not what I came in for.”

Doctor: “Oh.” *looks at chart* “Why are you here, then?”

Me: *points to my swollen closed eye and slightly swollen face* “I think I have pink eye?”

(I don’t really know how he missed it, but he wrote me the prescription for antibiotics and I went on my way.)

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The Situation Is Agonizingly Fluid
Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | November 5, 2017
I had some issues with ovarian cysts when I was in high school, so I had to go in for a pelvic ultrasound. In the instructions we received prior the appointment I was told I needed to drink 32 oz of water before coming in so that my bladder would be full, which helps them to get better images. Now, I was 15 and very skinny. I had just gone through a growth spurt and at 5’5″ I weighed in around 100 pounds. I drank the water and immediately had to pee; I looked down, my pelvic area was bulging already. This was 10 minutes after I drank the water, right as we were leaving, and it was a 30 minute drive to the office.

Needless to say, that drive, through a bumpy, uneven construction site, was miserable. I was in such physical pain by the time we got to the doctor that I was in tears sitting in the waiting room. When I finally got called back to the ultrasound room and I lay down on the table, the ultrasound tech gave my visibly full bladder, by this point halfway to a pregnant belly, a bit of a side eye, but continued with her explanation of the procedure. I heard none of this, as all of my energy and focus were tied up in not urinating all over that table.

She begins the ultrasound, poking at the watery skin ball that is my pelvis, until after a few moments she stops. She can’t see anything. There’s too much liquid.

I ask her what to do and she tells me that I need to go to the bathroom (which was luckily adjacent to the exam room) and “pee a little, then stop” so that there would be a good amount of liquid for her. By this point, I have been in intense physical pain because of this full bladder for roughly an hour, so these instructions felt more than a little impossible. But, being a determined kid, I went in there and against all odds, I did it. So the rest of the ultrasound goes off without a hitch, and afterward I am finally able to fully relax my bladder for the first time that day.

As I was getting ready to leave, the technician asked me how much water I had been instructed to drink, and was appalled when I told her 32 oz. She went off about how they should’ve looked at my chart to see my height and weight because they would’ve been able to tell just from that that the amount should’ve been lower, and it was lucky that I was able to control my bladder so well; otherwise, the whole appointment would’ve been a waste.

A few days later my mom gets a call from the doctor’s office and guess what? Turns out the whole appointment was, in fact, a waste, since the notes were wrong in my file and the ultrasound tech performed an abdominal ultrasound instead of a pelvic one. I was less than pleased.

At least I knew not to drink so much water for the next one.

A Significant Shift In Moods
Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 4, 2017
(I work night shift in a hospital lab. On night shift, there are three working at a time with my same job title, which is the highest level of certification in the department, other than our medical director. In all, there are six night shifters with that certification for the entire fairly large specialty hospital, and if we can’t work, we figure it out with one of the three who are off. One night, due to family emergencies, sickness, and a coworker who “wasn’t in the mood to come to work today” (they were fired weeks later), I and one other end up working a night shift. I am filling in unexpectedly, and have just gotten off a flight that morning and haven’t slept in thirty hours by the time morning comes. The other coworker has a fever of 103; we make the executive decision that I’ll do anything requiring patient contact and if his fever goes above 104, we’ll call the ER downstairs. It also turns out to be what we call a “must be a full moon” night. By morning, we’re both almost crying from sheer exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and misery. Come morning, there is an employee appreciation breakfast.)

Day Shifter: “How was the night?”

Me: “I haven’t slept in thirty hours, [Coworker] has a fever of 103, four analyzers broke, the ICU is literally out of beds, they’re tripling up patients into the double rooms in MedSurg, and the ER is using the hallway as overflow for the waiting room.”

Day Shifter: “Well, we were wondering if you two could stay maybe an hour late so all the day shift could go to the breakfast?”

(We told them no way. They weren’t happy. At that point, we didn’t care.)

NovoPAIN!
Arkansas, Dentist, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017
(I am having a filling in my tooth replaced with a new material.)

Me: “So, doctor, I’ve had problems in the past with Novocain not really working with the standard dose. I may need a slightly larger dose to fully numb the area up.”

Dentist: “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

(I do worry, but I decide maybe he’s using something a little stronger than I’ve been given before. He begins to drill out the current filling and I jump, because I can clearly feel the vibrations, when I know I shouldn’t.)

Me: “No, stop! It’s not numbed!”

Dentist: “No, that’s normal. Don’t worry.”

(He continues to drill, and I can FEEL IT. I squirm and yell and try to smack his arm with my free hand, but he just tells me to be still. He continues on, and for a brief moment, the pain is so intense, everything looks silver. So, I do the only thing I know that will stop him at this point. I bite him, which tears his latex glove.)

Dentist: “What was that for?!”

Me: “PAIN IS F****** SILVER!”

(In the end, I got my larger dose of Novocain to fully numb the area, and a note in my file that I need at least a dose and a half.)

A Needling Suspicion You Did That Wrong
Blood Donation, New Hampshire, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017
(I am donating blood at a traveling clinic that has come to my college. I have a rather intense needle phobia and like to use donating blood as a way to get over this fear just as much as an opportunity to help others. However, when the needle is in me I become visibly tense and my breathing quickens. Sometimes the nurses worry that I am going to pass out or go into shock, so I always warn them about my fear, assure them that I will NOT pass out, that I’m just anxious, and ask them to count to three before they stick me, which reduces my anxiety. They are usually very understanding of this request.)

Nurse: “Okay, we’re all set now. You’re just going to feel a pinch and a sting.”

Me: “Can you please count before you do it?”

Nurse: *legitimately confused about this request* “Count? Why?”

Me: “I have a bit of a needle phobia. I’m not going to pass out; I just don’t want to be surprised by the needle.”

Nurse: *still with a confused expression* “Okay…”

(She then proceeds to count to three as fast as she can… WHILE she is already sticking me with the needle. Lo and behold, I panic, push myself several inches up in the chair, and feel tears begin to stream from my eyes involuntarily.)

Nurse: “Oh! Well, I didn’t know you were gonna jump up in your chair like that!”

(She leaves to tend to other donors. I begin to calm down, but tears are still streaming down my face as a result of the unpleasant surprise.)

Nurse: *coming back to check on me, notices my face* “Is… is something sad going on in your life right now?”

Me: “Nothing other than the nightmares I’m gonna have tonight…”

A Basin To Stick Your Face In
Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017
(My nurse has just finished filling a basin so that I can take a sponge bath. I sit up to use it, and immediately throw up in the basin. First words out of her mouth:)

Nurse: “I’m so glad that basin was there.”

(If I wasn’t busy with sudden nausea I’d have laughed myself sick!)

Maybe Dying Doesn’t Seem So Bad
Clinic, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2017
(I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. There is a small hospital, as well as a holistic health clinic. The answering machine for the holistic health clinic says:)

Clinic: “You have reached [Clinic]. We are open from [time] to [time]. If it’s an emergency, go to the hospital in [City a little over an hour away]. If you cannot make it to that hospital, go to the hospital in [Smaller City around 40 minutes away]. ONLY IF YOU WILL NOT LIVE to get to that hospital should you go to the local hospital. In that case, good luck… Please leave a message after the beep.”

(The unfortunate thing is they are quite right. While the staff seem nice enough, they have so little practice that they really aren’t any good. I got a small gash in my knee once, and needed stitches. Somehow the remaining scar is now double the size of the original gash. Since then I’ve always made a point to go to a different hospital if I need medical care.)

A Meat Coochie Would Have Just Been Too Much
Hospital, USA, Washington, Wordplay | Healthy | November 2, 2017
(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

A Surgeon Seriously Lacking In Wisdom
Connecticut, Dentist, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2017
(I was born with what is called lateral incisors anodontia, which means I am missing lateral incisors, the teeth in my upper jaw on either side of my front teeth. It’s all over my dental records and quite clear from X-rays or just looking inside my mouth that thing’s aren’t quite normal.)

Oral Surgeon: *looking at an X-ray* “The lower wisdom teeth are impacted, so they definitely have to come out. I see the uppers have come through, but we should take those out as well.”

Me: “Are you sure the uppers need to come out? I was born without lateral incisors, so the wisdom teeth came in fine are far enough forward to meet the lower molars.”

Oral Surgeon: *looks in my mouth for a few seconds* “Yes, they still need to come out.”

Me: “Okay, fine. How much will this cost?”

Oral Surgeon: “Extracting the impacted teeth is covered by your insurance, but it will cost $300 to extract the other two.”

(My family and I are royally ticked off about the out of pocket cost, but don’t see any way to avoid it. We decide to pay for the extraction up front and return in a week for the surgery. I choose not to get put under so I am (thankfully) awake and aware when, after the oral surgeon injects Novocaine into the root of an upper wisdom tooth and starts to grip it with a tool, this happens.)

Oral Surgeon: “What the h***? What the f*** is going on here?”

Nurse: “What is it?”

Oral Surgeon: “Are there missing teeth?”

Nurse: “Let me count.”

Me: *through the tools and the drugs* “Yes.” *I reach up and tap where my lateral incisors would be* “These.”

(The nurse and oral surgeon walk a way for a moment to talk. When they come back:)

Oral Surgeon: “It looks like you are missing your lateral incisors. Your wisdom teeth are far enough forward that they meet your lower molars. There is clear wear on them so you’re obviously using them when you chew. Since they are being used, would you prefer to keep them in?”

Me: “Yes! I told you all this during the consultation.”

(On the plus side I got to keep two wisdom teeth. On the down side, we still had to deal with this office for over a month, since they were very reluctant to give back the money we paid for extractions that never happened despite telling us immediately after surgery that everything would be refunded in full!)

Your Plan Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On
Florida, Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017
(My aunt is pregnant with my cousin after years of miscarriages and a stillbirth. She’s at one of her ultrasounds when the doctor notices something weird.)

Doctor: “I think your baby is malformed.”

Aunt: “What are you talking about?”

Doctor: “I mean she isn’t developing properly. She might be born disfigured.”

Aunt: “How bad are we talking? She’s not going to die, is she?”

Doctor: “I can’t tell for certain, but it looks like she’s missing a leg.”

Aunt: “What?! What do you mean my baby is missing a leg?!”

Doctor: “I mean unless it’s hidden somewhere, it’s gone.”

(Over the next few weeks the doctor subtly implied over and over again that she should terminate the pregnancy due to the malformation. She ended up switching doctors when he got fed up and straight up told her to terminate because apparently allowing a child to exist with a deformity was akin to abuse. When she gave birth, my cousin indeed only had one leg. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic at a very young age and is now 23, athletic, and happy, and you wouldn’t know she only had one leg if she didn’t show you her prosthetic. We’re all still horrified that the doctor thought terminating her in the name of “protecting” her was the only course of action, especially after my aunt and uncle had suffered so many previous losses.)

When Collecting Becomes A Disease
Canada, Hospital, Ontario | Healthy | November 1, 2017
(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)

Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”

Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”

Hard To Swallow That He Doesn’t Realize
Medical Office, New York, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017
(I am getting X-rays done because I’m going to have a procedure done soon. Beforehand they make you drink this thick gooey liquid that supposedly makes it easier to take the X-rays. Before the doctor comes in, the nurse is asking me some preliminary questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(Being as immature as I am, I have to try really hard to contain my laughter in order to answer no. Then the doctor comes in:)

Doctor: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(I try really hard not to laugh and say no.)

Doctor: “Are you sure? I’m gonna give you this thick liquid to swallow; it’s gonna feel a little slimy as it goes down your throat.”

(I can’t help it and crack up.)

Doctor: “Oooookay, I guess I’m going to have to describe this a different way. You’re the fifth person today that laughs when I explain this process, and that’s not even including the new nurse in training.”

The Workforce Is Strong With This One
Drug Store, Pharmacy | Healthy | October 31, 2017
(We have a giant inflatable ghost on display for Halloween. It doesn’t quite sit right and tends to lean to the side, so we frequently adjust it.)

Coworker: “[My name]! The ghost is falling again.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We spend about five minutes fiddling with it, until we get it to sit up right.)

Coworker: “Oh, no. His ascot got flipped backwards.”

(We proceed to grab boxes and stick-like things, trying to flip the ascot back around to no avail.)

Me: “OH! I’ve got it!”

(I run away with no explanation and return with a toy extendable lightsaber. I make the “vwing” noise and I flick it and extend the lightsaber. I succeed in straightening the ghost’s tie on the first attempt.)

Coworker: “…You just fixed the ascot of an inflatable ghost with a lightsaber.”

Me: “I love this job.”

The Trouble With Trekkies
Clinic | Healthy | October 31, 2017
(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

How To Expline This To You
Australia, Hospital, Wordplay | Healthy | October 30, 2017
(Making bookings for patients is very easy. All I need is name, phone, modality, body part, and doctor name. I’ve been on the phone for a few minutes, the patient telling me a rather detailed explanation why she needs a scan of her back, yet not telling me anything I need to know. I’m polite, don’t interrupt, but I am spending too much time on this call and my coworker needs help with patients lined up.)

Me: “Okay. That doesn’t sound good. Did your doctor want an x-ray, ultrasound, or CT?”

Patient: “Scan of my back. My back.”

Me: “On your form your doctor gave you, did they write X.R., C.T. or U.S. anywhere?”

anguMe: “The paper the doctor gave you. Can you read it to me?”

Patient: “I have a paper. It says nothing.”

Me: *still very polite* “It doesn’t have your name on it? Not the doctor’s name and signature?”

Patient: “Yes. My name is [Patient].”

Me: *I can’t take it down until I know what they need and what room to start in, so I make a mental note for later* “Okay. Now the paper has nothing on it?” *I know it’s repetitive, but I have to confirm for what I have to say next if it’s true*

Patient: “Nothing. There’s nothing!”

Me: “Okay. So that means it’s invalid. You’d need to go to the doctors and get him to write you a referral.”

Patient: “It’s here!” *she’s now livid* ‘No! No. No. It says here!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “It says X.R. spline—” *yes, s.p.l.i.n.e.* “—Lubosac; my back!”

(I gathered it was an x-ray lumbosacral spine, but don’t you just love how information materialises?)

Radiating Pure Incompetence
Chats & DMs, Health & Body, Office, UK | Healthy | October 30, 2017
(I work for the safety department overseeing several sites that my company is working on. I mainly focus on radiation exposure. We receive daily reports of exposure for all men working in radioactive areas with personal dosimeters that record in real time. Each site has one person who collates the information before passing it on. One site has recently had to employ a new person. He has sent the information through and I notice a problem. I reply to his email.)

Me: “[Person], is this information correct?”

Person: “Yes. It is correct.”

Me: “Okay. I thought I would check as many of your workers have far exceeded the legal limit in just one day. Has there been an incident?”

Person: “No. No incident. The information is correct. I have checked with dosimetry on site, and they confirm.”

(I don’t believe him, so I email the safety manager on site just to double check, but he doesn’t respond. I decide to pry further.)

Me: “[Person], can I assume that the workers have been sent home with pay? I will need to report this.”

Person: “No. They’re still working. I won’t be able to reach them until they finish.”

Me: “Well, you’re going to have to. They have far exceeded the legal limit for a year’s worth of exposure. As per policy, this will have to be reported and they will need to be monitored. Can you please check with [Safety Manager]?”

Person: “It’s just one Sievert! And no, [Safety Manager] is in a meeting.”

Me: “[Person], a Sievert is a large dose. We work in micro and millisieverts. Are you absolutely certain this information is correct?”

Person: “The information IS correct. That is the end of it!”

(I was even less convinced and spoke to my manager. He contacted the site manager and it was decided that the workers be sent home and everyone pulled off until the matter was resolved. It turned out no one there thought it necessary to train the new person, despite him having no experience with ionising radiation. The workers were only exposed to a few microseiverts and they were allowed to return to work. This incident reflected so badly on us it risked our contract with the site, and the manager, safety manager, and the new person were relocated. I got landed with the new person, and he’s made it his life goal to make my life miserable, as payment for his and his managers’ mistake.)

A Disheartening Way To Treat The Issue
Australia, Car, Health & Body, New South Wales, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | October 30, 2017
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I have a day off so I wasn’t planning on doing much other than sleeping in. At about 9:30 am I get a call from my dad.)

Dad: “Hey, sweetie, are you doing anything at the moment?”

Me: *lying in bed* “No, not anything important. What’s up?”

Dad: “The coolant hose has come loose on the car again. Could I get you to come pick me up to get some more coolant?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, no problem.”

(I go and get him, chatting about inconsequential things, asking about each others’ weekends. We get the coolant and we are heading back to his car. This happens about half an hour after I pick him up.)

Dad: “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great this morning… About an hour ago I started getting chest pain and was thinking I should go to the hospital, but I’m feeling okay now so maybe I should just go home.”

Me: *being skeptical in my head* “Nah, if you were worried, Dad, I’d go up there. I will go with you if you’d like. I’ll stay with you. It can get kinda boring up there by yourself.”

Dad: “Oh, well, only if you’re not doing anything. It might be a good idea.”

Me: “Sure thing; it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

Dad: “Only if you’re sure you’re not doing anything

Me: “I’m sure; I will meet you up there.”

(I follow him up only to find a parking space at the bottom of the hill, so we walk up to the top and get admitted into ED. Long story short, Dad had had a minor heart attack, three in fact, the last one as we were walking up the hill, and he just wanted to go home. I spent five hours with him, him asking me not to tell any family members because he didn’t want to stress them out. Mum nearly had a heart attack herself when she found out, mainly because he waited five hours to tell her! Please, please, people — get it checked out sooner rather than later!)

Drugs Make You Quackers
Chicago, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 29, 2017
(My mom is a nurse practitioner at a health clinic primarily for homeless people. Naturally she has some interesting exchanges with her patients. Her favorite one to tell is about a patient who had come in for the first time, and she was asking all the preliminary questions.)

Mom: “Do you have any allergies?”

Patient: “I’m allergic to penicillin.”

Mom: “What sort of reaction do you have when you take it?”

Patient: “It makes me talk like Donald Duck.”

(After trying to hold in laughter, my mom had to explain to him that while his “reaction” was more of a mild mutation, it was not considered a harmful allergy. It’s her favorite story to tell next to the woman who referred to the lice on her head as “movable dandruff.”)

BerEFT Of Paying
Australia, Hospital, Reception | Healthy | October 28, 2017
(At the end of a visit patients return to the front desk to settle accounts. Our EFT Machine likes to be difficult sometimes so I do as much as I can on it so the patient doesn’t get confused.)

Me: “Okay, was that cheque, savings, or credit?”

Patient: “Credit.”

(I select credit and put the EFT Machine in front of them.)

Me: “Pin, please.”

(I look away. After hearing only four beeps, each button pressed beeps — four for the pin and one for enter — I go ahead and visually see only three buttons of the pin were entered. I press the yellow button once to erase it.)

Me: “Pin again, please. The buttons tend to stick.”

(Again I hear only four beeps and visually check. I repeat pressing the yellow button once.)

Me: “Once more, please. Really press down.”

(I hear four beeps again, but before I can press the yellow button the patient notices and presses it three times quickly. The machine makes an error beep and a big cross comes on the screen that cancels the payment.)

Me: “Okay. We only need to press that once. Let’s start again.”

(Little things like this that tend to be unnecessary mistakes and use more time than it should. Another example:)

Me: “Was that cheque, savings, or credit?”

(I notice on the screen it says debit, but debit and credit can be selected as the same thing. Debit cards are used in place of credit cards when ordering online and such. The patient looks at me wide-eyed.)

Patient: “I don’t have credit!”

(They panic faster than I can explain. It was a slip of the tongue, habitual, and not really a fuss.)

Patient: “Don’t put it on credit! It’s not credit!”

(I internally sighed.)

Their Lack Of Professionalism Is An Eye-Sore
Insurance, Medical Office, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2017
(My eye insurance changes when I got a new job, so I need to find a new doctor for my contacts exam. I choose one in the same building as my previous job at a pharmacy, as I’ve met [Doctor], who is a really nice guy, and call to make an appointment.)

Me: “Hi, before I make an appointment, I want to confirm that you take my insurance?”

Receptionist: “Oh, the plan offered by the local hospital? Of course we do.”

(I’m scheduled for the next open appointment, three months away. Fast forward to the day of the appointment. She copies my insurance cards, and I wait for my exam.)

Nurse: “[My Name]. Good afternoon, the doctor will be in to see you shortly.”

(In walks a short, bald, bearded man, not the tall, thin, bespectacled fellow I knew from the pharmacy, but I figure perhaps [Doctor] has expanded his practice or has a fill-in today. He proceeds to do my exam and tells me my script will be up front, no niceties, no introduction.)

Me: “Thank you! And I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.” *primarily so I know not to schedule an appointment with him again*

Doctor: “[Doctor], of course!”

Me: “Oh, I apologize. I mistook the taller gentleman with glasses for you.”

Doctor: “He’s just the optician.”

(Cue the end of the awkwardness, and I go up front to pay my copay and get my script.)

Receptionist: “That will be [amount nearly $300].”

Me: “What? Shouldn’t it be $50 with my insurance and deductible?”

Receptionist: “Oh, we only take your insurance for eye emergencies.”

Me: *pays with mouth agape*

(She knew they only took my insurance for emergencies and scheduled me for an obviously non-emergent appointment. Then she copied my cards, again not pointing out that it wouldn’t cover my visit. And the doctor was an unfriendly, cold fellow to boot. Needless to say I never went back, even though my insurance has now changed to something they universally accept.)

A Labor-Intensive Work Environment
Colorado, Fast Food, Health & Body, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2017
(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant. A pregnant woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “Hi, I’m in labor right now. Can I get a big glass of ice water?”

Me: *not sure I heard her correctly* “I… what?”

Woman: “Yeah, I just had a big contraction. Can I get some water?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, totally. Of course.”

(I grab her a cup and begin filling it with ice and water.)

Me: *jokingly* “So you’re not going to have the kid here, are you? I don’t know how to do that.”

Woman: *smirking* “No, I’m not going to have it here. Though you would not believe how backed up the highway is.”

(I give her the water and she rushes out. Her voice was strained throughout the conversation which makes total sense. I later told a coworker what I’d just gone through.)

Coworker: “Yeah, it happens. I had a woman in labor go through the drive-thru once.” *confused* “So you’ve been working food service for ten years and you’ve never had that happen once?”

Me: “Uh… no!”

A Few Needling Problems
Dentist, UK | Healthy | October 27, 2017
(I have an appointment with the dentist.)

Dentist: “Okay, please sit down and we will get to it!”

(I sit down and she looks in my mouth. I see a syringe just out of my view.)

Me: “What’s the syringe for?”

Dentist: Don’t worry. It won’t hurt a bit, and then we can get to work.”

Me: “No, what is the syringe for?”

(She sticks her thumb in my mouth, feeling my gums. She lifts the syringe and I push hard against her.)

Dentist: “What’s wrong? We won’t be able to get that tooth out unless you’re numbed up!”

Me: “I’m not getting a tooth out!”

Dentist: *angry* “THEN WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?!”

(I don’t answer and just leave the room. As I leave the building I see her running up to me.)

Dentist: “Oh, you’re my 11 am! I can do your whitening. I’ll just need to get set up.”

Me: “I’m not letting you near my mouth again!”

(I registered with another dentist that week.)

There Are Prescribed Lunch Breaks
California, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | October 26, 2017
(I work in a pharmacy as an intern, and on the weekends, we only have one pharmacist on duty. It is company policy that employees have to take their unpaid lunch by the fifth hour on the clock. This happens when our pharmacist is out to lunch.)

Tech: “Hello there. Are you picking up or dropping off?”

Patient: “Picking up.”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but our pharmacist is on lunch. We can’t sell any prescriptions without a pharmacist here.”

Patient: “Why the h*** not?!”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but it is against the law for us to do that.”

Patient: “Just give it to me! I drove all the way here!”

Tech: “I can’t; it’s against the law, and we have to have a pharmacist here.”

Patient: “There should always be a pharmacist here; it’s a pharmacy! Why the h*** aren’t they here?!”

Tech: “She’s on her lunch right now. She’ll be back at 1:30, but I can’t do anything until then.”

Patient: “I want to talk to a manager!”

Tech: *calls manager*

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do anything until the pharmacist comes back from lunch. She has to take her lunch, too.”

Patient: “I’m complaining to corporate. What is their number? This is ridiculous!”

Manager: “It’s [number].”

(The patient storms off as the manager just shrugs.)

Manager: “Call all you want. What are they gonna do? Fire me for following the law?”

Check Comes With A Teleportation Fee
Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 26, 2017
(We get requests from companies requesting medical charts. We charge a fee to print and mail them. Charts are only mailed after receiving payment.)

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] regarding the 25 chart review.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “I was just wondering if you received the check yet?”

Me: *thinking maybe it came in today’s mail, which we hadn’t gotten yet* “When did you mail it?”

Caller: “Today.”

Me: “…then, no. We didn’t get it yet.”

Suddenly Anti-Antibiotic
Canada, Montreal, Pharmacy, Quebec | Healthy | October 26, 2017
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to fill this prescription, please.”

Me: “Very well, I’ll need your birthdate.”

Customer: “[Birthdate]. Hurry up, please.”

Me: “Any known allergies?”

Customer: “What? No! Look, it’s not my first time taking these pills. Just give it to me.”

Me: *taken aback* “Okay, sir, you may go in the waiting room.”

(A few minutes later the pharmacist explains the treatment to the customer.)

Pharmacist: “So, those pills are penicillin combined with another antibiotic—”

Customer: “Penicillin? What? I can’t take this! I’m deathly allergic to penicillin!”

1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity, Part 2
Pennsylvania, Pharmacy, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | October 25, 2017
(I am a pharmacy technician, not qualified to recommend drugs or dispense advice. Any questions about actual medicine, I am required to pass off to a pharmacist, even if I think I know the answer.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: *mumbling* “Um, I think I—” *mumbles* “—contact with bleach…”

Me: “I’m sorry, what? Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I think I might have swallowed some bleach and was wondering if the pharmacist could recommend anything.”

Me: *trying not to look alarmed* “Well, if I were you, I would call the Poison Control Center, but I’ll check with the pharmacist.”

(I go back to the counter where the pharmacist is working.)

Me: “This guy says he might have ingested bleach and wants to know if you can recommend anything. I told him he should call the Poison Control Center.”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, that’s about it.”

(I go up to the front counter and repeat this advice to the customer.)

Customer: “Well, I drank some fluids and I’m feeling better now. I had some [soda], and some water, and some lemonade. My chest was hurting before but now it’s better. Do you know if bleach can make your chest hurt?”

Me: “Um… probably. If you swallowed bleach, it could hurt on the way down. You should probably call the Poison Control Center.”

Customer: “Eh, maybe I’ll call them tomorrow. If I’m not feeling better then, I can go to the emergency room, too.”

Me: “I would call them tonight if I were you, just to be safe. Do you want their number?”

(I write it down on the nearest piece of paper and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Yeah, thanks. I might call them tomorrow.”

(He wanders away, but comes back later. My coworker is an intern, studying to become a pharmacist, and gets to the counter first. I overhear their conversation.)

Customer: “I was wondering about water pills. What do they do?”

Coworker: “Um, they make you urinate.”

Customer: “Can I get some of those?”

Coworker: *realizing why he’s asking* “They don’t flush out your system; they’re used to lower blood pressure. And you would need a prescription.”

Customer: “Can I get one of those?”

Coworker: *bewildered* “We don’t give prescriptions here; we just fill them. You would need to go to a doctor.”

(The customer wanders away, apparently still confused about a lot of things.)

Me: “I hope he’s going to be okay.”

Pharmacist: “If he had really swallowed bleach, his throat would be burned. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but there’s nothing else we can do.”

Related:

1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity
Pet Store | Right | February 22, 2012
Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”

Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”

Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”

Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”

Me: “What did you do, then?”

Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”

1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity
Pet Store | Right | February 22, 2012
Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”

Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”

Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”

Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”

Me: “What did you do, then?”

Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”

Your Boss Can Be A Real Swine
Bosses & Owners, Health & Body, Kentucky, Nursing Home, USA | Healthy | October 25, 2017
(I call in to my job as a certified nursing assistant at a nursing home. It is 2009.)

Me: “Hey, I can’t come in today because I have a fever of 104 and other flu symptoms.”

Nurse #1 : “I can’t let you call in unless you come here and have a nurse take your temperature.”

Me: “What? I live 15 miles away. My fever is really high and I have really bad cold chills.”

Nurse #1 : “You’ll probably get fired if you don’t come and let us take your temperature.”

(I drive the 15 miles to let them take my temperature. At this point, I’m almost hallucinating from the fever.)

Nurse #1 : “Oh, your fever is 105 now.” *to other nurse* “Should she go home? We are kind of short today.”

Nurse #2 : “I don’t know. She could probably work.”

(I then collapse onto the chair, barely hearing them in a fever haze.)

Nurse #1 : “Well, maybe she should go home?”

Nurse #2 : “I guess so.” *to me* “You can go home, I guess. But get a doctor’s note.”

(I then drove home, barely coherent. After going to the doctor I found out that I had SWINE FLU, or H1N1. And they wanted me to come to work, endangering both myself and the elderly residents! I quit a few months later.)

Could Be Better
Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 25, 2017
(I have a chronic illness and find myself going to the office where my GP, the walk-in clinic, and phlebotomy lab are all located. There are two attendants at the front doors that help patients in and out of vehicles and bring wheelchairs. Here in the South, it’s pretty typical for strangers to greet you as you walk past or even ask how you are. “Pretty good,” is the expected answer, no matter what.)

Attendant: “Mornin’. How’re you doing today?”

Me: “Eh. I’m here, aren’t I?”

Attendant: *beat* “Fair enough.”

The Uninsured Dead
Chats & DMs, Insurance, New Zealand, Pets & Animals, Zombies | Healthy | October 24, 2017
(A few months ago we signed up for pet insurance for all four of our animals. This month, we got caught by surprise by the payment and as a result, one of the payments did not process correctly. This is the email we got regarding the payment that did not process:)

Email: “Please call us on [number] or email us quoting [policy number] in regards to your insurance payment for your pet Zombie.”

(Punctuation is EVERYTHING.)

Gauze And Effect
Canada, Health & Body, Home, Marriage & Partners | Healthy | October 24, 2017
(I have a minor surgery on my foot. By chance, the only gauze the doctor has to wrap it is bright red. I head home after, and my husband is already home. He has some emergency first aid experience.)

Me: “Ugh, it hurts. I guess I should take my sock off, see if that eases some pressure.”

(I take my sock off slowly.)

Me: *fake surprise* “Whoah, that’s red!”

Husband: *stares blankly*

Me: “Aww, you’re no fun. I thought the red gauze would freak you out.”

Husband: “So it’s gauze?”

Me: “Yep. It’s all the doctor had. It startled me so I thought I’d try and get you, too. You’re not as surprised as I thought you’d be.”

Husband: *calmly* “I was screaming internally.”

(He was actually really upset. Whoops!)

About To Make A (Dis)Appointment
California, Medical Office, Sacramento, Time, USA | Healthy | October 24, 2017
(My multi-specialty medical office has an audiologist who does hearing tests for patients. I assist the ENT [Ear/Nose/Throat] doctors so I handle calls from his patients, since he doesn’t have his own assistant. One of our phone operators calls me at the nurses’ station with an audiology patient on the other line.)

Operator: “Dr. [Audiologist]’s 4:00 says she’s going to be ten minutes late. Is that okay?”

(We allow a 15-minute window to show up for appointments, and a check of the schedule reveals she’s the last patient of the day.)

Me: “Yes, that’s fine, as long as it’s no more than 15 minutes.”

(The operator relays the message and I go about my day. Later, I realize it’s 4:45 and the patient isn’t showing up as checked in on the schedule. I’m about to call up to the front desk to see if they’ve forgotten to check her in when the receptionist calls me.)

Receptionist: “Hi… did you tell Dr. [Audiologist]’s 4:00 that we’d ‘just work her in’ when she got here? Because she just got here.” *I can practically hear the air quotes*

Me: “I most certainly did not. I said no more than 15 minutes late. She needs to reschedule.”

Receptionist: “Yeah… that’s what I thought. Okay. I’m gonna go talk to [Audiologist]. Bet he’ll say the same thing.”

(He did. When the receptionist politely relayed to the patient that he was unable to stay 45 minutes late to accommodate her, she threw a hissy fit and ranted at our poor receptionist for several minutes before storming out in a snit. Her best line, as the receptionist later conveyed, was that she’d told our phone operator she was “on 50” and he should have known how far away she was. Highway 50 runs from West Sacramento to Maryland…)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 12
Medical Office, UK | Healthy | October 23, 2017
(This was a few years ago. I have made an appointment with a new GP to give me a contraceptive implant since I keep forgetting to take my pills and I want to be safe. This is my first time at this particular office.)

Doctor: “So I’m just going to numb the area first and then we’ll get the implant in there.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I roll up my sleeve and turn my head away.)

Doctor: “Are you all right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I just don’t like watching the needle go in. So I’m gonna look at that wall there.”

Doctor: “All right, then.”

(She then stuck the needle in and lifted the skin of my arm up with the needle as she removed it. When she apologized she attempted to do it again. Both times were quite painful but thankfully the needle didn’t break and the rest of the appointment went fine.)

Doctor: “Again, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened there. Maybe if you didn’t have such tiny arms!”

(Three years later I went to get my implant replaced. This time I got a nurse to do it. She did it completely pain-free on the first try. I guess my tiny arms weren’t a problem for the nurse.)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 11
Health & Body, Home, Nurses, Religion | Right | November 14, 2016
(I am an RN that goes around to people’s homes. I get an order to obtain a blood draw from a particularly religious patient who refuses to let me try anywhere except the tiny blood vessels in her hand. As I’m on my second attempt, apparently she thinks I need a little help…)

Patient: *loudly, with eyes closed* “Lord Jesus, help her find that blood! Send the blood to her Jesus; she needs your help! Draw her to that vein, oh Lord, and show your power!”

Me: *as I finally hit a vein* “Got it!”

Patient: “Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

Patient: “Not you.”

Me: “A little bit me…”

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 10
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Inspirational, Kind Strangers | Hopeless | June 13, 2016
(It’s my first day commuting to work off campus during summer term and I have a bike to get there. I’m feeling pretty good until three miles in, when it gets harder to keep going. All of a sudden, a van pulls over.)

Stranger: “Get in.”

Me: “I’m going to work and I really don’t—”

Stranger: “I’m a registered nurse and you’re showing signs of heat exhaustion. Get in now.”

(After stammering a bit, I let the RN put my bike in back and get me a water bottle.)

Me: “Thanks! I’m an out-of-state student so I’m not used to this heat.”

Stranger: “I get it. Do you need a ride home?”

(She showed up after my work and drove me home. I never saw her again, but I loved her.)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 9
Awesome, Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Inspirational, Kind Strangers | Healthy | May 17, 2016
(My family is visiting my grandma, and we like renting bicycles to ride around the gated community where she lives. My mom and two younger siblings are just on our way back to the house. It’s a very hot day and I’m wearing a dark shirt.)

Me: “Hold up a minute. I feel woozy.”

(I pull onto the grass and sit down, panting, as my vision swirls with purple-green clouds. Usually they clear in a few moments, but they’re not going away. I can’t get back on the bike until I can see, so Mom is about to send my brother on ahead to bring Dad back with the car, when a car pulls up next to us.)

Little Old Lady: “Do you need help?”

(I’m a little fuzzy on the details after that point, but it turned out that she was a retired nurse! She offered to drive me back to Grandma’s house. I was doing a little better in the air-conditioned car, but I was still woozy and she talked to me to keep me awake. When we got to the house, I had to lean on her shoulder to get inside; my dad told me later that he thought I was helping her at first! She helped me into a reclining chair and got a cool, damp washcloth to put on my forehead before she left, with instructions to drink lots of water and not move for a while. She left before I could thank her, but I sent a thank-you note when I was better. Even after they retire, nurses are awesome people!)