A Brief Shot Of Excitement In The Waiting Room
Australia, Bizarre, Hospital, New South Wales, Patients | Healthy | October 19, 2018
(I am about eight years old, before mobile phones. I’m at the local hospital emergency room with my mum and brother after my brother broke his arm playing hockey. It’s packed and the wait is around four hours. A man in his 60s patiently waits in line to check in. He waits about twenty minutes with no visible injuries.)

Nurse: “Can I help you?”

Man: “Ah, yes, I guess. I’ve been shot.”

Nurse: “Sir, we’re extremely busy here.”

Man: “I’ve been shot. I think I need to see a doc.”

Nurse: “Sir, we’re extremely busy and I don’t have time for jokes. Please leave.”

Man: “No joke. I need to see a doc.”

(He turned around and lifted his jacket and shirt up to reveal a gunshot wound in his back. The nurse went pale and called for help, telling the man to sit in a chair. It turns out he’d been driving along a bumpy dirt track with a shotgun in the tray of his ute. One of the bumps must have knocked the trigger, because the bullet went through the tray and the driver’s seat into his back, the tray and seat slowing it down a fair bit but still causing problems. He then drove himself almost 50 kms to the hospital and waited in line.)

Passing Out From The Incompetence
Arkansas, Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, Retail, USA | Healthy | October 18, 2018
(I have a sleep disorder. This disability is mitigated by my service dog, a Labrador. I am taken to a store for some items I need. This is generally not an issue. My service dog goes with me, because it isn’t safe to leave her home. Unfortunately, I begin to have issues. My dog alerts me, so I quickly stop what I am doing to find a worker.)

Me: “Listen. I have exactly one minute before I pass out. Please do not call the EMTs. I will be fine.”

(My service dog is whining and pawing at me, basically getting in my way, and trying to get me on the floor before I pass out — basically, what she’s trained to do.)

Employee: “Yeah, whatever.”

(I knew this was a bad sign, but I didn’t exactly have the time to find someone else. I sat on the floor nearby and promptly passed out. I woke up being loaded into an ambulance while animal control was taking my service dog into a cage. My dog was understandably freaking out, trying to come to me, because they were disrupting her work. I have a medical alert bracelet that says NOT to separate my dog from me on my wrist. I was still a bit out of it from passing out. I did the only thing I could think to do: scream at the top of my lungs. Everyone stopped to look at me. It took ten minutes to convince the EMTs to let me go, and longer to get animal control to give my dog back to me. This was all because an employee didn’t listen. Apparently, they had panicked when they saw me on the floor. They ran over, which prompted my dog to gently nudge her away from me — not aggressively, just a gentle push. She is a larger dog, though. The employee called 911, saying that my dog had attacked me and tried to hurt them. Mind you, my service dog was in full dress: a harness that says, “service dog.” on both sides, a collar that also says, “service dog,” on it, a tag stating that she is for medical alerts, AND a leash that says, “Service Dog. Do Not Pet.” I realize that retail isn’t a fun time, but that whole incident could easily have been avoided. I did inform their manager, but they still work there, so I don’t know what all happened. They glare at me every time they see me, though.)

Old People Can Get All In A Muggle
Assisted Living, Geeks Rule, Michigan, Patients, Silly, USA | Healthy | October 18, 2018
(I work at the front desk at an assisted living home for seniors. I’m just sitting here, minding my own business, when a rather upset resident in her 80s comes up to the desk.)

Me: “Hello, [Resident]. What’s the matter?”

Resident: “I don’t know if I should tell you…” *wringing her hands*

Me: “It’s okay; you can tell me.”

Resident: *shifts eyes around before leaning in close* “He’s coming back. Voldemort.”

Me: *eyes go wide* “Uh…”

Resident: “You don’t believe me. No one does. But Voldemort is coming, and the children are going to die.”

(I called for staff to come help her to her room, and just stared as they walked her back to her room while she continued on about Dark Marks and wards and spells. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh at the riddikulus-ness or be super impressed that an 80-year-old had Harry Potter knowledge. I think I’ll go with both.)

Some People Act Like Babies
Bad Behavior, Medical Office, New Jersey, Patients, USA | Healthy | October 17, 2018
(I am going for my annual gynecologist appointment. Just as I am walking into the office, I see my doctor running out. He tells me he has to go deliver a baby. I wish him luck and head in to sort out my appointment, and see a woman talking loudly and angrily with the receptionist.)

Woman: “When will he be back?!”

Receptionist: “I don’t know. He actually said to cancel his morning appointments. He said he’d be back in an hour.”

Woman: “I can’t wait that long!”

Receptionist: “We do have an opening at one pm or you can reschedule!”

Woman: “No! This is unbelievable! I have my appointment! How dare he leave to deliver a baby?!”

(At this point, the receptionist, another patient, and I are all wide-eyed.)

Receptionist: *slightly losing her cool* “Ma’am, he’s delivering a baby. It’s an emergency.”

Woman: “No, it’s not! A c-section isn’t an emergency! I need my appointment!”

(They argue back and forth a bit before she walks off and I head to the counter.)

Me: “Hello. Should I wait or just come back? I know delivering a baby might take some time.”

Receptionist: “You can take the one pm appointment; he’ll be back by them. Some people don’t understand that someone having a baby is an emergency.”

Needs To Take A Breath At Such Incompetence
California, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, USA | Healthy | October 17, 2018
(I’ve had a cough for a while that just isn’t going away. On the weekend it gets so bad that I have difficulty breathing. Since it’s the weekend, I have to go to the emergency room. Even though I’m an adult, my dad goes with me, because being female and fat I often don’t get proper treatment. This time around, I don’t even get a doctor; I get a physician’s assistant. I’m too busy coughing and gasping for a decent breath to talk at this point. She doesn’t even bother to examine me and snaps at me the very second she comes past the curtain.)

Physician’s Assistant: “You have the flu. Go home!”

Dad: *looks at the woman in shock* “You didn’t even listen to her lungs, or touch her at all.”

Physician’s Assistant: “I don’t have to. She has the flu. Go home.”

Dad: “She’s having problems breathing. You need to listen to her lungs!”

Physician’s Assistant: *makes a great show of “listening” to my lungs, which lasts less than five seconds* “She has the flu. Go home!“

Dad: “Can’t you at least give her a Rocephin shot?”

Physician’s Assistant: “It won’t do anything for the flu. Go home!“

(She then flounced out and insisted I be discharged. The next day was a weekday and I went into my doctor without an appointment. He immediately informed me that I had a severe infection that required antibiotics, NOT the flu. He then gave me a Rocephin shot and I started to feel better by the afternoon. You can bet the hospital got a REALLY stern letter from me.)

Her Name Is “Grandma”!
Hospital, Stupid, Teenagers, USA, Utah | Healthy | October 16, 2018
(I work as a nurse in a cancer hospital. One day I see a teenage boy, maybe 15 or 16, standing at the front desk of our inpatient unit. As I have a few spare moments, and it doesn’t appear that anyone else has helped him yet, I walk over to him.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Teenager: “Um, yeah. I’m here to see my Grandma?”

(Yes, it came out as a question, but I just brushed it off as being nerves at having to talk to a stranger.)

Me: “Fantastic! If you’ll just tell me her name, I can point you in the direction of her room.”

Teenager: “Uh… I don’t know.”

Me: *blank stare* “You don’t know what?”

Teenager: “I don’t know her name.”

(We blink at each other for a few seconds, as I’m too stunned to say anything.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I really don’t think I can help you out.”

(We have over 150 patients in our hospital. And how you don’t know your own grandma’s name is beyond me!)

Shake Your Fist At Them
Health & Body, Patients, Retail, Silly, USA | Healthy | October 16, 2018
(I’m chatting with a customer and it comes up that her entire arm, from the elbow down, was badly broken in a car accident. She is only just starting to get enough control of her hand to limply hold a pen. The conversation, of course, drifts to her physical therapy, and she talks about her progress as I encourage her.)

Me: *single fist-pump* “You can do it!”

Woman: *laughing* “No, I can’t! That’s the problem!”

Me: *single fist-pump* “You’ll eventually be able to do it!”

(We chatted for another minute or so before she left. I hope she recovers quickly, or, at the very least, is able to keep smiling as she goes!)

It’s A Bad Sign-us Infection
Doctor/Physician, Germany, Home, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Non-Dialogue | Healthy | October 15, 2018
Several months ago my cousin woke up with an absolutely massively swollen right eye, so naturally, she went to the hospital to have that checked out. They administered two CT scans, diagnosed her with a large, inoperable, cancerous tumor sitting right behind her right eye, and gave her six months to live.

Cancer is rampant in our family, so this makes sense in the context. However, she’s always been kind of easy-going and also, she refuses to believe it, so she just didn’t tell anybody and went about her life as usual.

A few weeks after the diagnosis, she was at a normal dentist appointment, and whenever anything touched her right cheek, it hurt a lot, more than it ever had at the dentist, even though she was just having a check done. Her dentist informed her that she had a severe sinus infection. She told him about her recent diagnosis, and he was absolutely not having it.

The next day they went back to the hospital together, in his free time, and he demanded they do another check and pointed out her sinus infection. It turned out he was right; she had a severe sinus infection, not a deadly tumor, that had spread up to right behind her right eye, and had caused an infection. She received normal treatment for that, and within a short time everything was back to normal. The first CT scan had been incorrectly calibrated, and the second one had been incorrectly interpreted.

Having spent many of my teenage years in hospitals myself, I’ve seen a lot, but I had never personally encountered a doctor as dedicated as that dentist before.

Don’t Go (Down) There
Patients, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 14, 2018
(I stop by my local pharmacy to pick up my prescription of birth control pills and to talk to my buddy who is a pharmacist. I notice on the package it says, “To be taken orally.” I point it out to my friend.)

Me: *with a laugh* “Well, what idiot doesn’t know that?”

(My buddy’s eyes grow big and she says:)

Buddy: “Oh, no. You would be surprised! The reason that is now on there is we actually had a woman sue us because she claimed we didn’t properly instruct her on how the pills had to be taken orally, and she got pregnant.”

Me: “Well, then, how the heck did she use them? Where did she put them?”

(Then, it dawns on me where she must have put the pills.)

Me: “Ohhhh, never mind. I didn’t ask.”

This Bureaucracy Is Killing Me!
Coworkers, Hospital, Jerk, Rotterdam, The Netherlands | Healthy | October 13, 2018
(I am working the night shift in a student team. One of our tasks is getting blood and stuff for the operating surgeons all around the hospital. This night a sixteen-year-old boy on a scooter has been hit by a car and is haemorrhaging profusely. I am called to get blood for the blood transfusion that needs to be done. However, due to the fact the boy is being reanimated while receiving a blood transfusion and an operation, there is no time to fill in a form. This is the conversation I have with the man at the blood lab:)

Me: “Hey, I don’t have a form, but I need blood for the sixteen-year-old patient that’s bleeding out downstairs.”

Blood Lab: “If you don’t have the form, you don’t get the blood.”

Me: “But they don’t have the time to fill in a form, as they are operating on him while giving a blood transfusion, and he was just reanimated.”

Blood Lab: “But you don’t have a form.”

Me: “Yes, I know, but the boy is dying.”

Blood Lab: “Well, it’s not my fault if he dies; come back when you have the form.”

(Sir, I know that you were technically right, but is a form more important than the life of a sixteen-year-old boy?!)

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Looking After One Child So Much You Forget About The Other
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Kansas City, Missouri, Parents/Guardians, Patients, USA | Healthy | October 12, 2018
My mother was a pediatric cardiac nurse and was taking care of a boy who had just had open heart surgery. She left for the weekend, and this story was relayed to her the next morning she was in.

The mother of the young boy suddenly started to have severe abdominal pains during the night. The nurse realized after checking her over that she had forgotten to ask her a very important question: when was the last time she had had her period? The mother said, “Oh, it’s coming any day now.”

The nurse looked at the nurse supervisor who was helping her. This is a children’s hospital, so they had no labor and delivery ward. The supervisor started to panic. This hospital is up the road from another, adult hospital. So, the supervisor decided to put the mother in a wheelchair and push her down to the adult hospital. This hospital is located at the top of a hill, so as he was pushing her down to the other hospital, the wheelchair slipped out of his hand. Luckily, he caught her before she got too far away, and got her to the adult hospital before she delivered the baby.

When my mom got back that Monday, she went to the boy’s room and saw that the mother was back already. She found that the mother had been so focused on taking care of her son before his surgery and getting him the surgery that she hadn’t realized she hadn’t had her period in over seven months.

Luckily, both the son and baby were able to leave the hospital soon after, and last my mother heard they were all doing well.

The Pharmacy Version Of “I’m Looking For A Book That’s Red”
Australia, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Melbourne, Pharmacy | Healthy Right | October 10, 2018
Customer: “I need to get a repeat on my medication. I’ve ran out of the script so can you give me an owning? I’ve been here many times.”

Me: “Sure, that shouldn’t be a problem. Can you give me your name and the name of the medication you want owning?”

Customer: “My name is [Customer] and I don’t know what the medication is called.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you know what the medication is for?”

Customer; “No. Just look up the medication I’m on.”

Me: “You’re on a few different medications.”

Customer: “It’s a little white tablet.”

Me: “All but one of the five medications you are on are white. Box or bottle?”

Customer: “No idea. Just give me an owing.”

Me: “Sir, sorry, but without know what the medication is for or what it is called, I cannot give you an owing. But would you know what it is if I showed you the packages it comes in?.”

(I quickly grab a few bottles and boxes of medications that the customer is on, hoping it jogs his memory.)

Customer: “Nope. I don’t know which one it is. Just give me an owing. It’s a little white pill! You’re suppose to know what I want!”

Me: “Sir, as I said, a few of your medications you are on are small white pills., I’m sorry but I want to make sure I am giving you the right medication. Are you sure you don’t know what the medication is called or what it is used for?”

Customer: “You’re no help. You’re suppose to know what I want!” *leaves the store*

How To Nurse A Case Of The Hiccups
College & University, Colorado, Nurses, Silly, Students, USA | Healthy | October 10, 2018
(We are sitting at break in my Med/Surg Nursing course one afternoon, and we’ve just finished clarifying that our final exam is NOT cumulative. I notice my classmate next to me has hiccups.)

Me: “Got hiccups?”

Classmate: “Yeah.”

Me: “Want me to scare them out of you?”

Classmate: *sleepily* “Nooooo! Don’t scare me.”

(Jokingly, I throw my arm around her and lean in.)

Me: “Hey, hey, [Classmate], the fourth test is cumulative!”

Classmate: “WAIT, WHAT?!”

Me: “Oh, my God, no! We just finished discussing this! I’m joking.”

Classmate: “…”

Me: “HOLY CRAP! It actually stopped your hiccups!”

(We all lost it. Forget “boo.” If you want to scare a nursing student, just tell her the exam will be harder!)

Wish You Could Take The Blue Pill And Forget
Ignoring & Inattentive, Iowa, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | October 8, 2018
(I’m a Certified Pharmacy Technician at a midwest grocery and pharmacy chain. I’m not exaggerating when I say I get far too many of these calls EVERY DAY.)

Me: *answers phone with usual friendly attitude* “This is [My Name] at [Pharmacy]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a refill on my prescriptions.”

Me: *pulls up profile after asking for name and birthdate* “Okay, which ones did you need refilled today?”

Customer: “Oh… I don’t know the names.” *describing various pills*

Me: *sighs and facepalms* “Right, let me get you on with the pharmacist.”

(Long story short, folks: you, as the customer, are personally responsible for knowing exactly what goes into your body and what prescriptions need to be refilled. WE DON’T HAVE ALL DRUGS MEMORIZED JUST BY HOW THEY APPEAR IN OUR HEADS!)

Hopefully Stress Therapy Is Also Covered
Georgia, Insurance, Lazy/Unhelpful, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 7, 2018
(My daughter requires glasses to see, so we go in for our regular eye appointment in November. Everything goes well until it comes time to pay for the appointment and glasses, at which point the staff inform me that my daughter’s vision insurance has already been used this year, and therefore won’t cover her new glasses. Confused, since her last appointment was fourteen months ago — definitely over a year — I head home to contact our insurance company to get things straightened out.)

Me: “I’m trying to figure out why my daughter’s insurance has been marked as used this year. Our last appointment was in September of last year, fourteen months ago.”

Insurance Rep: “Oh, we have an appointment on file from January of this year, so her insurance has already been used.”

Me: “But we didn’t have any eye appointment in January. Something’s not right here.”

Insurance Rep: “I don’t know what to tell you. You had an appointment in January, so you have to wait until next year to use her insurance again.”

Me: “And I’m telling you her last vision appointment was September of last year. We didn’t have any January appointment. Your records are wrong.”

Insurance Rep: “Give me a moment to check.”

(She puts me on hold for a while as she looks into this.)

Insurance Rep: “I don’t know what to tell you. You used her coverage for an appointment in January at a clinic in Missouri.”

Me: “We live in Georgia. We haven’t been to Missouri in the last year, let alone for a vision appointment. Who was the appointment for?”

Insurance Rep: “Oh, [Male Name, nowhere near my daughter’s relatively unique name].”

Me: “That’s not my daughter.”

Insurance Rep: “Oh. Let me look into this some more.”

(She puts me on hold again.)

Insurance Rep: “Okay, so, it looks like that vision clinic put the wrong patient information in when they filed his appointment.”

Me: “So, this is going to be fixed, and my daughter can get her glasses, right?”

Insurance Rep: “Unfortunately, it’s going to take six weeks or more to correct this error.”

Me: “But that puts us in next year, and my daughter needs her glasses.”

Insurance Rep: “I’m sorry, but that’s the best we can do.”

Me: “Even though it was your company’s mistake?”

Insurance Rep: “I’m sorry. Perhaps you can work something out with your vision clinic in the meantime?”

Me: “Fine.”

(Luckily, the vision clinic is at least willing to work with me on a reimbursement plan that will allow us to get the glasses now and have the insurance company cover the cost once they finally get around to fixing the problem without it applying against the next year. But aside from our insurance company not realizing that an adult man in Missouri is not my 10-year-old daughter in Georgia, the real gem is what happens when my husband calls the insurance company for a follow-up.)

Husband: “So, how can we be sure this doesn’t happen again next year?”

Insurance Rep #2 : “You’ll just have to call in every now and then to make sure her insurance hasn’t been used yet.”

Husband: “You mean you don’t have anything in place to make sure that my daughter’s insurance doesn’t get accidentally applied to someone else’s appointment in another state?”

Insurance Rep #2 : “No, sorry.”

Husband: “So, you’re making us do your job.”

Coming To A Painfully Obvious Realization
Canada, Hospital, Nurses, Stupid | Healthy | October 5, 2018
Nurse: *while drawing blood* “Wow. I’ve stuck you, like, a dozen times, and I haven’t gotten the needle to work!”

Me: “I know. I’ve got the worst genetics — tiny, deep veins that deflate! I’d rather not be here all day.”

Nurse: “Really? Oh, I could do blood draws aaaaall day, but the second I need my blood taken I’m like, well, no! I wonder why that is?”

Me: “Because it doesn’t hurt to do it to others?”

Nurse: “Oh, my gosh, yeah! Maybe that’s it!”

(I didn’t get an IV in.)

We Think We Know Where That Nausea Came From
Chicago, Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | October 5, 2018
A patient has called for an ambulance because they feel nauseated.

Once in their hospital room, they order two medium pizzas from [Pizza Chain].

They then demand a free cab ride to get home.

An Armful Of Judgement
Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Georgia, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 4, 2018
(I wake up one morning to find both arms so numb that I can hardly use them. In a panic, I get my mother to drive me to the local doctor’s office. He sends me to get bloodwork done at a different facility. This takes place during the follow-up visit.)

Nurse: *while taking my vitals* “And are your arms still numb?”

Me: “Yes, but they’re a bit better than before.”

(The nurse leads me to the exam room. The doctor enters after a few minutes.)

Doctor: “Okay, your blood work looks good, except for cholesterol. You really need to lose weight. Do you drink a lot of Cokes?”

Me: “Well… yes, but—”

Doctor: “You should give up all caffeinated drinks. They’re making you fat, and it’s very bad for your health.”

(The doctor proceeded to ramble about how I needed to stop eating sugar and start losing weight. He left the room with a final order to stop drinking Cokes. I never got a chance to ask him about my numb arms, and he never once said anything about the issue I’d gone there for in the first place. I don’t have insurance and am unemployed, so I couldn’t afford to go somewhere else. I ended up asking friends online for help and figured out how to address my problem through them.)

Why Are You Hitting Yourself? Why Are You Hitting Yourself?
Bizarre, Home, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | October 3, 2018
My husband is a very gentle man. Because of this, I was more shocked than angry when I was slapped awake one night. I had been deeply asleep, thanks to a muscle relaxant, so it took me a moment to fully process what happened.

I was turning my head to ask why he’d slapped me; what happened? Then, I saw movement near my waist. A hand came up and slapped my face again.

It was my own d*** hand!

Apparently, trying to strengthen my arm after a rotator cuff injury caused my arm muscles to spasm strongly, bringing my hand up fast and hard.

At least my doctor got a laugh out of it.

A Purposeful Discussion About Women’s Health
Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, El Paso, Home, Patients, Texas, USA | Healthy | October 3, 2018
(My mom and I are discussing a cousin who lives in different state. She has been hospitalized and is losing blood due to problems with her uterus.)

Mom: “I just don’t understand why the doctors refuse to just remove it. She doesn’t intend to have any more children, and this thing is threatening her life. I had to argue for them to remove mine when I started having issues, and I was almost fifty with two adult kids already!”

Me: “Mom, let me tell you: doctors maintain this idea that a woman’s main purpose in life is to have children. They think that removing her uterus is equal to cutting off both legs. They view it as the last, most desperate act they can take. It’s ridiculous, outdated, and flawed, but it’s the sad truth.”

Sister: *who has been listening* “That actually explains a lot.”

Name, Time, And Place
Boston, Dentist, Ignoring & Inattentive, Massachusetts, Reception, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | October 2, 2018
(I’ve chipped a tooth. My regular dentist puts a filling in, but recommends a crown as a more stable, long-term repair. Since I already have a rather large cavity and filling in that tooth, they also refer me to an endodontist to see if I’ll need a root canal first. I call their office to set up a consult.)

Receptionist: “Good morning. Thank you for calling [Office].”

Me: “Good morning. I’ve been referred to you by [My Dentist]. I need a consultation to see if a root canal is necessary.”

Receptionist: “Okay, are you a patient of ours?”

Me: “No, I’d be a new patient.”

Receptionist: “Can I have your name?”

(I give my first and last name. My last name is somewhat unusual, and has a lot of letters that sound like other letters, so I always go the extra mile and spell it out using the phonetic alphabet.)

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

Me: *spells it again, still phonetically*

Receptionist: *spells it back, inverting the last two letters*

Me: “No, no.” *spells it out again*

Receptionist: “Oh, okay, no R.” *spells it back incorrectly*

Me: “No, there is an R.” *spells it AGAIN* “It’s like [word], but with an A at the end.”

Receptionist: *finally gets it right* “I’m not finding you in our system.”

Me: “Right, no, I’m a new patient; I’ve just been referred for a consultation.”

Receptionist: “Oh, I’m sorry, okay. I’ll need more information from you, then.”

(We very slowly and carefully go through the rest of my details.)

Receptionist: “And what do you need done?”

Me: “Just a consultation right now. I’m getting a crown, but my dentist would like to see if I should get a root canal first.”

Receptionist: “You need a root canal?”

Me: “No! Just a consultation.”

Receptionist: “Okay, a consultation. When would you like to come in?”

Me: “Anytime Monday is good.”

Receptionist: “We have 3:30 on Monday?”

Me: “Yes, that would be fine.”

Receptionist: “Okay, there’s also 1:50?”

Me: “Um, either one, I guess? 3:30 or 1:50, whichever is more convenient for you.”

Receptionist: “Okay, 1:30 on Monday, then.”

Me: “I’m sorry, 1:30 or 1:50?”

Receptionist: “Yes, 1:50.”

Me: “Great, thank you.”

(I think I’ll show up before 1:30, just to be safe!)

In The Sun But Not Very Bright
Canada, Health & Body, Ontario, Patients, Pharmacy, Stupid | Healthy | October 1, 2018
(I’m a pharmacist. I’m counselling a client on how to apply the rosacea cream his doctor has prescribed for him.)

Me: “…and remember, even if you use this regularly, the most important way to prevent rosacea flares is to stay out of the sun.”

Patient: “I’m in the sun all the time!”

Me: “May I suggest sunscreen?”

Patient: “Oh, no, I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t want to put chemicals on my face.”

(I looked at the box of expensive prescription face chemicals and died a little inside.)

The Doctor’s Prognosis Is Dislocated From The Truth
Doctor/Physician, England, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Manchester, Non-Dialogue, UK | Healthy | October 1, 2018
This tale’s from a few years ago, and will need a little backstory. I have a multi-systemic collagen defect disorder called hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. To explain it in detail would take all night; suffice it to say that my joints dislocate very easily and, though I’ve learned to put them back by myself, there are some I just can’t fix unaided, the wrist of my dominant hand being one of these, for obvious reasons. Bear in mind, too, that dislocations — whether full or partial — hurt. A lot.

One evening, housesitting for a friend on the other side of my city, feeding her cats, I somehow managed to pop my right wrist half out of place. I knew it was out, and I was alone in the house, but — luckily, thought I — the nearest hospital was just over the road. I necked a dose of my usual liquid morphine, grabbed my walking stick left-handed, and headed over to Accident & Emergency.

It was quiet, so I was seen in about thirty minutes and sent for an x-ray, as per routine. When my x-ray was done, though, the doctor on duty left me to sit — on a hard, plastic chair in a cubicle, that was not helping my general chronic pain, while my morphine slowly wore off — for three hours.

After those long three hours, he finally bothered to come to me, and insisted, in the most supercilious, maddening way possible, that my wrist was fine, that the x-ray showed nothing, and that I should go home. I argued with him for a minute, but gave up. Words weren’t going to get through; that much was clear.

I sighed. Then, I asked him to humour me for a moment and get a firm grip of the hand on my injured arm. He did, not looking too pleased about it.

I yanked my arm back against his hold, hard. I could hear the crack as my wrist went back into its proper position, and so did he. The look on his face was an absolute picture.

I’ve never been back to that hospital since. And if I have my way about it, I never will!

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Faintly Annoying
Bad Behavior, Colorado, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 29, 2018
(I work at the mental health ward. I’m at the nurses’ station when I hear a loud CRACK. A patient has collapsed on the floor. I run over to help.)

Me: “What happened?”

Nurse: “She was walking to the shower and just fainted. She’s been nothing but trouble!”

(The patient looks like she hasn’t showered in days. She’s pale and really thin.)

Me: “She looks terrible. What’s been happening to her?”

Nurse: “She was vomiting for the past three days. Won’t even eat!”

Me: “And you let her walk? Why haven’t you called medical?”

Nurse: “She’s annoying!”

Get Out Of There! Abort! Abort!
Atlanta, Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Georgia, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | September 29, 2018
My mother told me about an experience one of her coworkers had.

The coworker had diabetes before she got pregnant. Her doctor considered her case high-risk, and sent her to another office in the city for some blood work. She had a referral, and all of the necessary info was sent to the office so that these blood tests could be performed. It was supposed to be an in-and-out procedure.

When she got there, the main doctor of this practice was quite curt with her, almost rude. At first she just chalked it up to him being in a bad mood, or needing to learn better bedside manners. Then, he told her, “You know, people like you shouldn’t be getting pregnant.”

She immediately asked what he meant by that. He went on to explain that people with certain health conditions, such as her diabetes, should not be reproducing. She responded that she was there for blood work, and then she was leaving; if he had any personal concerns, she wasn’t interested in hearing them.

The doctor waved her off and told her that she needed to sign some paperwork. She asked what paperwork, as her regular office should have sent her information over. He wouldn’t answer her and just kept pushing the papers at her, telling her to sign. Finally, she took the paperwork and started reading it.

The doctor was trying to force her into signing off for an abortion.

She immediately called her regular doctor and told him what was going on. Her doctor told her to drop everything, and get out of there. Just get up, and walk out, right now. She did.

Her regular doctor apologized profusely and told her he had no idea what the other doctor was up to. He told her he was going to report the practice, and asked if she wanted to lodge a complaint. She did.

The next day, the other doctor’s practice was shut down, and he lost his license. Apparently he had been doing this to other women, and he was taking it upon himself to decide who was — or was not — “worthy” to reproduce or get pregnant.

Unhealthy Health Advice
Bad Behavior, Delaware, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | September 28, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(TriCare, the medical insurance that all US military dependents are on, has sent me to a new gynecologist for treatment of severe endometriosis. Her profile says that she is Catholic, but I don’t think much about it until I have my first few visits with her. Please note that my husband is unable to father a child due to chemical exposure while serving a combat tour in Iraq. We have decided that we are perfectly fine with not having children. I tell her that I don’t want to be a mother.)

New Gyno: “What?! You don’t want baby?! Why?”

(She is from the Philippines and her English isn’t entirely perfect.)

Me: “My husband is 100% unable to father a child. We have been having unprotected sex since we met over six years ago and we have never even had a pregnancy scare. I’m also not comfortable with being a mother.”

New Gyno: “But your husband almost forty and never had baby. He need baby! You have to give him baby!”

Me: “My husband is perfectly okay with not being a father. He is also in the process of being medically retired from the military, and we don’t think that it is a good time to have one now even if we could.”

New Gyno: “But baby make all the stress in your life go away. Baby make your husband’s PTSD from Iraq go away!”

Me: “What part of the fact that my husband can’t father a child do you not understand? I’m a Christian, and I believe that if God saw fit to give us a child in the last six years, he would have.”

New Gyno: “But you take birth control! All women without baby take birth control! You need to take my husband’s fertility awareness program! It $200 per session, per week!”

Me: *wondering where this came from because it’s not in my records* “Do you understand that I suffered a stroke at age twenty-six and I have a history of hypertension? If I had taken birth control for that long–” *I’m thirty-two* “–I would be dead by now! In thirteen years of being sexually active, I have never taken birth control, and I have never been pregnant! I don’t think that paying your husband $200 to learn how to count my cycles is going to get me pregnant. It’s also highly unethical for you to pressure someone into paying money that they might not have for a product that isn’t going to help!”

New Gyno: “But you lie to me about stroke! You never have stroke! You able to walk!”

Me: “I had eight Transient Ischemic Attacks!” *mini-strokes* “If you look at my face when I smile, it droops on one side. I also have partial paralysis in my right hand. I don’t know where you went to medical school, but both of those are the results of a stroke! If you want to really know why I won’t have a child, it’s because I take a cocktail of psychiatric medication to treat Bipolar Disorder and severe PTSD that my ex-husband left me with. If you’d looked at my records you would have known! All three medications are bad for an unborn baby! I also have Asperger’s Syndrome, and I don’t want any children of mine having the same problems that I have!”

New Gyno: “But you can stop medications. God give you the strength to stop taking medications! God want you to have baby! It not normal for woman to not want baby!”

Me: “You recommend stopping lithium cold turkey just to get pregnant?”

New Gyno: “Yes! I don’t believe that those medications help mental illness! Only God help mental illness!”

Me: “Are you aware that I could die if I stopped lithium cold turkey?”

New Gyno: “Why you die? It just like stopping Prozac.”

Me: “No, it’s not! I had a dose lowered once, and I got really sick. You mean to tell me that you equate an antidepressant to one of the most potent mood stabilizers on the market?”

New Gyno: “Yes! All psychiatric drugs the same!”

Me: “You have to be the craziest doctor that I have ever met! Is it your personal mission to make sure that every woman on this planet becomes a mother? I believe that if God wanted me to become a mother, he would have made me one!”

New Gyno: “Yes. All woman need to become mother! I have five children and it make my life wonderful!”

Me: “You need psychiatric help! I’m going to a doctor who understands my medical issues!”

(My husband was medically retired a few months later, and we moved to a small community in eastern Kentucky. TriCare assigned me to a young female gynecologist who was a recent medical school graduate. She agreed that it was a REALLY bad idea for me to get pregnant, and is currently trying to get TriCare to approve a hysterectomy due to my nightmarish periods and history of pelvic pain.

Not Going To Strong-Arm You Into Confessing
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Patients, Silly, UK | Healthy | September 27, 2018
(I am 23 and female. One day I have an accident and injure my arm and elbow. Initially, my family and I think it is just sprained, but the next day Mum decides to take me to the hospital as it is really painful. When I was about 13, both my younger brother and I went through a patch where we kept getting hurt in unbelievable ways and had to go to this hospital a lot; my mum has always thought that they put a note in our files for possible physical abuse, which was in no way true. After checking in to A&E, I start to get really dozy. I haven’t slept in about thirty hours due to pain and a really bad cold I’ve had since before the accident, so my mum asks if I want her to come in with me. I say yes. When we get to see the doctor, we go through all the normal questions, with Mum taking most of them. The doctor is young, female, and extremely nice. However, I am evasive about how the accident happened, as it was pretty embarrassing. This raises flags for the doctor, which I don’t notice. Mum doesn’t know how I did it, so she can’t elaborate. I then get sent off for an x-ray, which shows a break, and Mum takes me back to the doctor’s room.)

Doctor: “Oh, good, you’re back. Let’s talk through the injury.” *gives medical explanation and advice* “It is a pretty painful break, but due to your age you should heal quickly and well.” *looks at me and seems very concerned by my attitude* “Mrs. [Mum] would you mind stepping outside for a bit?”

(Mum and I shoot each other some looks but she leaves.)

Doctor: *changes from cheerful to very comforting and soft* “Now, I just wanted to have a little chat with you and see how you were feeling. This is a pretty big break.”

Me: “Feeling crap to be honest; my arm is really hurting and I’ve had this stupid cold in the middle of summer for a couple of days.”

Doctor: “And how did you say you had inured it, again?”

Me: *reservedly* “I fell.”

Doctor: “Yes, you said, but how exactly?”

Me: “Well, my hearing is a bit off with the cold, and I just lost my balance.”

Doctor: *knowing this isn’t the whole story, as I’m a s*** liar* “Did someone push you at all? Did you get into an argument with your mum, maybe? You know these things aren’t your fault. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

Me: *finally clocking what’s going on* “Oh, nooooooo. It was nothing like that! It was just an accident.”

Doctor: “Of course it was; no one really meant to hurt you and often it’s very confusing. Was it your mum, or maybe a different family member? Your dad?”

Me: *really starting to panic* “No! Look. That’s not what happened! I fell off my bed, okay?! I was sitting cross-legged on my bed, my hearing went nuts, and I lost my balance! I fell off my bed and broke my arm!”

(There is then complete silence and we both just sit there staring at each other.)

Doctor: “Yep, well, that would do it, too. Doesn’t seem like there’s a problem here. Just try not to do it again!”

(I then burst out laughing, followed by the doctor.)

Doctor: “Well, that made my shift! Now go home and get some sleep.”

(After leaving the doctor, I found my very curious mother waiting for me. I did tell her everything when we went home. She thought it was hilarious and no one has let me live it down.)

Sick Of This Outdated Attitude
Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 27, 2018
(I am pregnant with my first child. My husband and I had decided we were “taking kids when they came.” While we weren’t actively trying — not testing ovulation or anything — we also weren’t avoiding pregnancy. I am 28 and a PhD candidate; my husband is in his early 30s and has a law degree. In summary, we are definitely established enough and old enough to have children responsibly. In my first trimester, I begin experiencing pretty awful pregnancy sickness, sometimes vomiting without stop for about an hour at a time. It’s not the worst possible, but not great, either. I call my OB to see if there’s anything they can recommend to get some relief from this. The OB office nurse has been repeatedly rude to me, to the extent that I’ve considered leaving their office more than once.)

Me: *explaining the situation to her and asking* “Is there anything you recommend for women to perhaps limit the sickness?”

OB Nurse: “No. Women get sick when they’re pregnant. If you didn’t want to get sick, you should have been a big girl and kept your legs together, or used a condom.”

There Is No Immunization From Entitled Patients
Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | September 26, 2018
(During my daughter’s first well-child visit after bringing her home from the hospital, I have what I think is a pretty standard question for the pediatrician:)

Me: “Can I ask you about vaccinations?”

Doctor: *gets this look on his face like he’s worried he’s about to be yelled at* “Um, okay?”

Me: “When we have scheduled vaccinations, can you give us a schedule for when various immunizations are scheduled, what they’re for, and what sorts of signs we should be looking for in a potential reaction?”

Doctor: *relaxes noticeably* “Oh, yeah. In fact, that’s all in the printout and if you want, we can talk through it at each visit.”

Me: “You looked like you were afraid I was going to go off on you or something. Does that really happen?”

Doctor: “You have no idea.”

Numb From The Pain
Australia, Bad Behavior, Dentist, Ignoring & Inattentive, New South Wales, Sydney | Healthy | September 25, 2018
(I am in high school, with braces on my upper and lower teeth. My orthodontist decides that the overcrowding on my lower teeth is proving a big enough problem to warrant the removal of two perfectly healthy molars. I can’t say I am impressed, but I don’t have a choice and I am assured it won’t hurt, so I am not too worried. Sitting in the chair at the dentist, I am mostly nervous of the needles I’ll receive for anaesthetic. I receive a needle on each side and am given a moment for it to set in.)

Dentist: “How’s that for you?”

Me: “I can feel that.”

Dentist: “Yes, you’ll feel pressure.”

(The dentist pokes a pointy tool into my gum.)

Me: “Ow, no, I mean it feels like it always would.”

(The dentist looks sceptical, but gives me a second dose of anaesthetic and another moment for it to set in. My mum sits next to me. She’s been quiet all this time. The dentist pops out of the room. I lean over and tell her that everything feels normal; nothing is numb. I ask her, “Please don’t let her do this.” She begins to say something; I can’t remember what. The dentist comes back in.)

Dentist: “Nonsense. She’s lying. You can’t feel anything.”

(I protest, but the dentist basically forces her tools into my mouth and my mum kind of holds me down. The dentist starts cutting into my gum. I scream and wail.)

Dentist: “Oh, stop; it’s just pressure.”

(She continued the procedure, and I kept wailing and crying and gripping my mum’s hand. Afterwards, Mum’s hand was red raw, and she was flustered. She legitimately thought I was just scared, like most kids and teens. I remember shaking and feeling too woozy to say anything further to the dentist. I don’t know whether I’d have been physically able to, either. What I do remember is that the procedure had happened at eight am and that before lunch time my entire face went numb, so I had to spend about five hours with my face over a bucket, the drool pouring out in a constant stream. I vaguely remember my mum and dad both on the phone with the dentist in the other room with some muffled shouting of some kind.)

It’s Not A Resident Problem
Assisted Living, Belgium, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Patients | Healthy | September 24, 2018
(Our nursing home has a group of volunteers that often help the nurses during meals and do most of the activities with the residents. This sometimes causes visitors to try to get the volunteers to do things they aren’t allowed to, or things even nurses aren’t allowed to do, such as giving medication at inappropriate times or giving extra medication when residents go on holidays with the family. I exit the elevator and hear an argument.)

Visitor: “I don’t see what the problem is. I want to take my mother to [Local Restaurant], but I need her medication. Now go get them.”

Volunteer: “Ma’am, I’d love to, but I can’t. I don’t know which medication your mother needs nor the exact dosage; you’ll have to speak to a nurse about that.”

Visitor: “You are a nurse. You work here. Stop being lazy and go get my mother’s pills!”

Volunteer: *notices me and points at me* “I’m not a nurse, but [My Name] is. If you ask her, she can check which medication your mother needs and give it to you.”

Visitor: “If you’re not a nurse then why are you in my mother’s room?”

Volunteer: “I was picking her up to go to the dining room; neither of us were aware you were going to come and pick her up. Since [My Name] is here, she can help you with the medication. I’ll go and take other residents to the dining room.”

(At this point the resident opens her door.)

Visitor: “You stop right there. I demand you do your job and get me those pills, and then go get your manager or whatever so I can complain about you!”

(Before anyone can say or do a thing, the mother speaks up:)

Resident: “G**d*** it, can you not embarrass me for once? First off, I don’t need medication during lunch! Second of all, we agreed to go out for lunch tomorrow. And third of all, if you don’t apologize to [Volunteer] right now, I’ll go out for lunch with her instead of you!”

(The visitor just mumbles and checks her phone, then runs away after yelling, “I’m sorry.”)

Resident: *to the volunteer* “You’re free tomorrow?”

Volunteer: “I am.”

Resident: “Good. If you want, pick me up at 11:00 and we’ll go to [Local Restaurant].”

A Snappy Story
Doctor/Physician, England, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, UK | Healthy | September 24, 2018
(It is England in the 70s. My dad has been playing football — soccer — and ruptured his Achilles tendon. He had it repaired and spent six months in a cast from his foot to his knee. He is at the hospital, with the cast freshly removed, for an appointment with a physiotherapist.)

Physiotherapist: “I am going to put this skipping rope on the ground, and I want you to jump over it.”

Dad: “No.”

Physiotherapist: “Go on; you’ll be fine.”

Dad: “No way. You’ve got to be kidding.”

Physiotherapist: “I know what I am doing.”

(They argue a bit. But Dad gives in. SNAP! The Achilles tendon snaps all the way up the back of his leg to his knee. He then spends nine months with a plaster from his foot to his hip. Fast forward to the 2000s. Dad decides to get some soil delivered so he can work on a garden bed out the front while Mum takes it easy. He books the delivery of soil and realises my car is in the way of where it should be delivered. No problem, he thinks; he’ll just move the car. It doesn’t start, so he decides to roll it. It doesn’t have to go far, so he takes his foot off the brake, uses his other leg to get it started and SNAP. The car is fine. But there goes his Achilles tendon. It’s on the other foot, but he knows the feeling well. Despite being in a lot of pain, he is already in the car. The foot he’s damaged is his left, and he only needs the right to drive to the hospital, so he does so. Eventually he’s seen by the doctor.)

Doctor: “So, what seems to be the problem?”

Dad: “I’ve snapped my Achilles tendon.”

Doctor: *laughs* “It’ll just be sprained.”

Dad: “I know what you’re thinking, but in this case, you’re going to have to trust me.”

(Dad gets a scan; it is snapped. The doctor turns to him, bewildered.)

Doctor: “How did you know? And how did you drive here?”

Dad: “Well, let me tell you a story…”

Even Jesus Isn’t Coming Out Of This One
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Oregon, USA | Healthy | September 23, 2018
(I go to the ER one night for suspected appendicitis. The nurse orders a blood draw and urine sample.)

Nurse: “We’ll run your blood to see if anything is unusual, run a pregnancy test on your urine, and then go from there.”

Me: “No need. There’s no chance that I’m pregnant.”

Nurse: “We have to make sure.”

Me: “I’m sure. If you look at my intake, you’ll see that I had a complete hysterectomy six years ago. I also haven’t had sex with a penis in four years. If by some dark magic I’m pregnant, I’ve got bigger things to worry about than my appendix.”

(The nurse didn’t care, and the doctor ordered a pregnancy test, anyway. Lo and behold, it was negative.)

Piss-Poor Grammar
Medical Office, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | September 20, 2018
(Sometimes, providers fill in a prescription without proofreading, leading to gems like this:)

Prescription: “One capsule once a day to make it easier to urinate by mouth.”

No Re Mi!
Baltimore, Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Maryland, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | September 17, 2018
A few years ago, I was having some issues with irregular periods and had to have my first pelvic exam. It was something I had avoided for a long time, because even the idea of it put me in a panic. My mom suggested I go to her gynecologist, and I agreed, largely because she was a woman and I refused to do it with a male doctor.

So, the day of the appointment finally came and I was a nervous wreck over it, actually nearly throwing up at times. But I went and met with a nurse first, and she put me a tiny bit more at ease.

But not for long. I was taken into the exam room and handed a “gown” to change into. I was told to have it open in the front, but it didn’t even come close to fitting me, so I was practically naked. If I pulled it as tight as I could around me, there were still at least six inches of skin uncovered across my chest, stomach, and lap. Then, the doctor didn’t come in for over half an hour, and at that point I was crying out of anxiety. When she finally came in, she asked if a student shadowing her could sit in, and I’m glad now I said yes.

The doctor began by rather aggressively checking my breasts while she started singing the opening lines to the song Do-Re-Mi from The Sound of Music, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” She explained by telling me she had a two-year-old grandson who could only be calmed down by The Sound of Music when he was worked up, and she thought maybe it would help me, too. I was speechless.

I’m not sure why she thought it was a good idea to compare a grown woman having an anxiety attack to a tantrum-throwing toddler, but I’m still offended. The rest of the exam was relatively uneventful, with the student talking to me and holding my hand through much of it. I’ve promised myself that I will not let this experience scare me away from potentially necessary medical care in the future. But The Sound of Music is completely ruined for me forever.

Not On Fine Form Today
Australia, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | September 16, 2018
(Our clinic gives out a Privacy Consent form to new patients, making them aware that the information given will be forwarded to their doctor when results are ready, and to medicare to claim their Bulk Billing. Our clipboards usually have about fifty forms on them, all the same. A patient comes to the desk with one and hands it to me.)

Patient: *cheerily* “Finally. Here you go.”

Me: “Thank you! Have a seat.”

(I take the top one off and get ready to scan it into his file when I notice the second is filled out, as well.)

Me: “How many did you…”

Coworker #1 : *whispers* “Just let it go.”

(I flip through the forms. They are all filled out. Luckily there were only nine left on the clipboard. I’d hate to see what would have happened if there had been fifty like all the other clipboards. Not long after, [Coworker #2 ] is going through the draws beside me.)

Coworker #2 : “I can feel your blood boiling.”

Me: “I just… I can’t. It’s… a shame. He was good-looking, as well. He’s just…. an idiot.”

Even Jesus Isn’t Coming Out Of This One
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Oregon, USA | Healthy | September 23, 2018
(I go to the ER one night for suspected appendicitis. The nurse orders a blood draw and urine sample.)

Nurse: “We’ll run your blood to see if anything is unusual, run a pregnancy test on your urine, and then go from there.”

Me: “No need. There’s no chance that I’m pregnant.”

Nurse: “We have to make sure.”

Me: “I’m sure. If you look at my intake, you’ll see that I had a complete hysterectomy six years ago. I also haven’t had sex with a penis in four years. If by some dark magic I’m pregnant, I’ve got bigger things to worry about than my appendix.”

(The nurse didn’t care, and the doctor ordered a pregnancy test, anyway. Lo and behold, it was negative.)

Fluffy Never Did Like That Sheep
California, Jerk, Patients, USA, Vet | Healthy | September 15, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(Tapeworm infections are not uncommon in our area. Thankfully, they are easily treated, and in the case of dogs, easily prevented. Cats are harder because they can get the worms from eating infected rodents, but dogs cannot. Generally, when a dog has tapeworms, that means they have at some point in the past had fleas. The flea larvae ate a tapeworm egg, and then the flea grew up and the dog ate the flea. Every case of canine tapeworms I have ever diagnosed can be traced back to fleas. So, when I prescribe tapeworm medication, I also make sure the pet is on a monthly flea control — either drops or pills. I have just finished explaining this to a woman whose toy poodle has tested positive for tapeworms.)

Owner: “Well, that is impossible. [Cutesy name that is longer than the dog] has never had fleas. You said, ‘generally,’ so there is another way, right?”

Me: “Well, yes, but–”

Owner: “Then that is obviously how it happened. [Dog] is groomed regularly, and we have a maid service and a gardener, so there is absolutely no way she could have been exposed to icky bugs.”

Me: “Well, I mean, in theory–”

Owner: “Theory nothing! [Dog] is in pristine condition without any of those monthly drops that common mutts need. So, we will be treating the tapeworms she got by the other method, but we will not be taking flea medications.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is just no way–”

Owner: “Look here, missy. I know [Head Doctor at the practice], and if I have to call him and tell him that you think my pedigreed poodle has fleas, nobody is going to be happy.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay, but I have one question for you.”

Owner: “Yes?”

Me: “How did she get the sheep’s skull open?”

Owner: “What?!”

Me: “If [Dog] didn’t get tapeworms from fleas, then the only way would be if she killed a sheep and ate its brains. So, please tell me, how did she kill the sheep?”

Owner: *blushes* “So… maybe there could have been one flea, once.”

Adopted The Worst Attitude
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, USA | Healthy | September 14, 2018
Thirty-five years ago, I gave birth to our first child. The attending nurse was extremely cold and strict. In fact, we dubbed her Sergeant [Nurse].

At one point in my labor, Sergeant [Nurse] suggested strapping me down. They’d just had a fifteen year old who was high, jumped out of the ambulance as it was pulling up, and later tried to slit her wrists. So, maybe — just maybe — she was justified in thinking the worst. However, I wasn’t fifteen, wasn’t high, and had been handling labor so well that my husband and I were complimented profusely.

Delivery went smoothly, but Sergeant [Nurse] did not let us hold our son. She simply showed him to us and took him away. Later, in my room, a close friend who was a nurse in the hospital came by to see me. When I expressed worry because Sergeant [Nurse] had taken the baby away so quickly, my friend was angry. She went to get our son. When she came back with him, she was even angrier.

The reason? Sergeant [Nurse] had told her I shouldn’t see the baby because I was just going to give him up for adoption, anyway!

Where she got that idea, I have no idea. Yes, I was young — eighteen — but I was married, and my husband had been there, very supportive and caring, during the entire labor and delivery. We had been showing our excitement and pleasure to be having a baby during the whole process. What idiot could watch two such happy new parents and decide that they intended to give away their baby?!

There’s No Dedication To Medication
Assisted Living, Patients, Stupid, USA, Washington | Healthy | September 12, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I work in assisted living as a nurse, overseeing over eighty residents.)

Resident’s Daughter: “I’ve been thinking about talking to the doctor about stopping my mom’s [antipsychotic medication].”

Me: “Is there a particular reason you’ve been thinking about this?”

Resident’s Daughter: “Yes, after visiting her a lot I can see she’s been doing much better, and I don’t think she needs it anymore.”

(This specific medication stops hallucinations, delusions, etc., and the resident has been on it over a year without side effects.)

Me: “Yes, she is doing great; the medication is working great for her.”

Resident’s Daughter: “Well, I want her to stop the medication; she doesn’t need it anymore.”

(At this point the resident’s daughter is getting irritated, and there is no reasoning with her.)

Me: “Well, the doctor will need to fax us a signed order to stop any medications; you can call and request this. But I can’t just stop a medication without a doctor’s orders.”

(The resident’s daughter stormed off in a huff.)

This Nurse Doesn’t Get A Thumbs Up
Australia, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, New South Wales, Nurses, Sydney | Healthy | September 10, 2018
(I am thirteen years old. I break my wrist and end up with a fibreglass cast. After about six weeks, when it is time to get it off, my dad takes me to a medical centre. The nurse who is allocated to the task of removing it is a little abrupt when describing the process, but in a way that makes me think she is just busy.)

Nurse: “So, we’ll be using this saw to cut along the length of the cast on your arm and then make a cut around the thumb. You’ll feel a small tickling sensation.”

Me: “Sounds good; ready when you are!”

(The nurse inserts what is essentially a wooden tongue depressor under the cast so that the drill hits that and not skin, and then cuts along the length of my arm. It feels fine; there’s no pain or tickling. The nurse changes to the thumb section, puts the wooden thing under the cast, and starts to saw. I start to realize that it’s hurting rather than kind of vibrating.)

Me: “Um, that’s actually kind of hurting; can we stop?”

Nurse: *stops, but scoffs* “We can’t stop! Do you want a cast on your arm forever?”

Me: “Um, no, it just really hurts.”

Dad: *getting concerned* “She’s normally pretty good with pain; can we try it a different way?”

Nurse: “There’s no other way to do it. We need to cut it loose around the thumb, and I’m nearly done, anyway!”

(FINALLY, after about a minute of me trying to hold still and not flinch, the cut around my thumb was finally done and the cast could be removed. As soon as it came off, the nurse went white, kind of muttered something about getting a doctor, and walked out of the room. I then looked down and realised my thumb was dripping with blood, because the saw wasn’t sitting on the wooden depressor but instead cutting into my hand the whole time. My hand was fine, and the cut was super-glued shut, which gave me a fun story to tell at school for a week! To all nurses out there: I understand how busy and overworked you are, and that sometimes people complain of pain when there’s really nothing there, but sometimes there is something wrong with your routine procedure!)